From The Full Body Project by Leonard Nimoy

I’ve been thinking a lot about size in general, both big and small and everywhere in between. Chicory (who I met face-to-face and is fantastic!) and I have been conversing about it, via email, comments, and in our meeting yesterday, and inspired by Thursday’s Child’s Sex and Intimacy Project I want to pose some questions to all of you.

Size acceptance is coming to be an issue I am passionate about. I’ve forever had the same hangups as, well, just about everyone in this culture. The same negative feelings towards my size. Though it’s important to distinguish between health and size, even though our society does not really view it that way. We are told that thin equals healthy and fat equals unhealthy, though I know plenty of thin people who eat much much worse than I do, and yet. But I digress.

The questions I want to pose have to do with the intersection of size and sexuality in your life. They may have no intersection at all, or you may have never thought of the intersection, but either way I want to hear about it. This may seem obvious, but the most interesting aspect, I believe, will be to see how everyone differs and what similarities there are, as well as being able to get a glimpse of the person within their answers.

Weight and size are touchy subjects in our culture, as is sexuality. Both have to do with the body and have moral judgments thrust upon them. Both are aspects of the self that are extremely personal and also that have strong cultural expectations and meanings. Both affect the way we present ourselves and think about ourselves.

Want to answer the questions? Fill out the questions below and send them to me: scarletsexgeek AT gmail DOT com

In order for these interviews to be what I would consider successful I need you to be completely honest. This is about real people talking honestly about their bodies and their sexuality, recognizing what society tells us about our bodies and recognizing how that affects our own ideas about how we should or should not act. If you wish you thought one way but really think another I want to hear that, not just what you wish you thought.

The focus of these questions are not just on large/fat/plus-sized women, I’m interested in answers from everyone of all sizes, all genders, all sexes, and so on. If you want to answer them, please do!

Feel free to skip any of the general info questions you are not comfortable answering, but please do answer all of the others. The more in-depth the answers the better, but in-depth and lengthy are not always the same thing (though they can be).

General Info
Name (what you’d like to be called):
Age:
Gender identity and presentation:
Sexual identity:
Relationship status:
Blog/Website (if you have one):

Size & Sexuality
What size is your body (you can use dress/pant sizes, a general description, anything you’re comfortable with, though remember that not all terms mean the same thing to the same people.)?
How comfortable are you with your body both in general and your body size specifically?
How has your relation with and attitude toward your body and the size of your body changed over time?
How important is sexuality to your life?
How has your relation with and attitude toward your sexuality changed over time?
How comfortable are you with expressing yourself and your body sexually?
How comfortable is society with the idea of viewing your body as sexual?
Through answering these questions and/or thinking about your relation to your body and your sexuality, have you noticed any links or similarities between the two? If so, what?
Anything else you would like to add?

Feel free to ask any questions you may have in the comments or via email, but please don’t answer the questionnaire in the comments. scarletsexgeek AT gmail DOT com

-Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

As published on my new blog, The Queer Fat Femme Guide to Life.

I was walking my Shih Tzu Macy the other day through my neighborhood in Jersey City when we came across a stranger. He was another little white Shih Tzu, with no collar or leash. Macy, ever our ambassador to all friendly furry creatures, asked him what he was up to. She was unable to communicate with me what his exact business was in the street on a dark snowy NYC night, but I was able to pick him up, determine he was warm and smelled entirely too good to be a stray. There’s no way I could just leave him on the street, in case he got hit by a car or fell prey to any other Shih Tzu dangers lurking about.

We took him home, where I made a little sign advertising that I’d found a white dog with my phone number. I figured if it was me, as soon as I realized Macy was gone I would flip out and scour the neighborhood–a few signs near where he was found would probably bring them out.

It took about an hour, my plan worked and little Gizmo was reunited with his family. Macy was a little annoyed that he spent the whole time at my apartment hanging out with me on the sofa and not playing with her, but we felt good about having done a good deed.

I told my gay boy BFF Brian about this, saying It’s not like he’s going to be able to fend for himself on the streets. What survival skills does a Shih Tzu have?

“Well, I think looking cute and being able to convince strangers to take you home and feed you until your people come get you is a survival skill.”

And he is absolutely right. Being able to recognize when you need help and being open and available to receiving help is absolutely a survival skill.

This was brought into stark Femme relief for me during part 2 of my 3 part 30th birthday party celebrations, right after the Shih Tzu incident. I threw a party called “Ascots and Bouffants” at my friend Muse’s apartment in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Muse was kind enough to host the party and was stressed about learning how to bouffant her hair. I offered to do her hair for her, having learned from my hair dresser in November (much to my intense joy).

This was the result after I did my own bouffant process using the technique from my stylist.

However, I have thick, long hair and Muse has fine, shoulder-length hair. It never occurred to me that my technique wouldn’t work on Muse. I started working the backcomb action on her hair and this is what she looked part way through the process.

The results were less than ideal and disappointing for both of us, as we both wanted her to have fabulous high hair for my party.

Just as we made the revelation, my fabulous and gorgeous friend Bryn showed up (who Muse doesn’t know very well). She’s a hair dresser by trade and I instantly knew what we needed to do. Bryn!! I hollered. Can you fix this?

It took about 20 minutes, during which time I began to circulate and welcome guests. And the end result was a fabulous looking and very relieved Muse. By thinking fast and on my feet, I was able to make big hair happen for her, even though I wasn’t able to do it myself.

Asking for help is a crucial skill for Femmes. There are so many things we can learn from each other. Almost everything I know about fatshion, beauty, make-up, self-esteem, and all the things in life I enjoy I’ve learned from my Femme sisters.

It is important to remember that vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness. Being open to showing people who you really are and articulating your needs is a great way to interact with people and make real, genuine connections. Had I been too proud to admit defeat when I realized 10 minutes into Muse’s bouffant that I was not going to achieve the result we were after, she would have been stuck with hair she hated and I would have been stuck with a nagging feeling of letting her down that would have dampened the spirit of my party. Being at a point in my life and my confidence where I can ask my friends for help when I need it without being stuck in a feedback loop of shame or worrying about not seeming self-assured actually makes me more confident.

Even if I don’t have a skill, I can get access to it pretty easily through my networks. And just like that Shih Tzu we found, I know I’ll never really be out on the street long enough for my fur to get cold.

Big Femme Love in 200 and Fine!!

P.S. I also posted another series of Correspondence if y’all are interested.

I have a thing for vampires. Just in general. Even before Twilight was written, I was going gaga over blood suckers. I even did a ridiculous vampire shoot with Chris back in August. I like being bitten. I’m always cold…but yet I don’t wear socks, or really jackets. I rarely sleep, and am up all night. Like till 5 or 6am. Vampires rock my life.

So what, you may be asking, do vampires have to do with sex toys? Well, fetish items are toys too! And I love fetish toys. Floggers, nipple clamps and paddles - all things I enjoy and love.

But vampire gloves? FUCKING BRILLIANT.

What, you may ask, are vampire gloves? They are ordinary leather gloves that aren’t quite so ordinary. Each finger (and thumb) on both gloves are covered with a large mass of metal spikes. The palm is spike free on my pair (although there are in fact vampire gloves available that have spikes on the palms as well).

For the most part, the spikes feel wonderful, but are fairly innocuous. They leave little scratch marks, but don’t really draw blood. However, my left hand glove has some spikes that are a little sharper, or set a little off - something. And daaaaamn. They can HURT. As in draw blood. And leave lots o’ scratch marks/small cuts for a few days.

The first time I played with them, it was last month with F. I was running them up and down her as she shuddered. Later, in the middle of watching Lesbian Life: Real Sex San Francisco, F and I wound up getting into a spanking scene. I was reddening her ass, and then would slooooowly dragged my spiked gloves over her red ass cheeks, feel her body climax into me over and over and over again. I actually like not having spikes on the palms, because then you can spank and smack with the palms, without having to take off the gloves in between.

Next, I brought them to a play party. I didn’t have anything in mind, but then my cute friend who happens to be a Domme wanted to play with me (she has a thing about Hitachi Magic Wands, and I just so happened to have brought one with me). As she rummaged through my bag, she found the vampire gloves, and was completely entranced by them. They felt amazing as she ran them up and down my body. My arms, my back, my breasts, my thighs. I was already flying high, just from feeling the cold spikes against my skin.

However- the left glove scratched up the inside of my leg pretty bad, and I still have some cuts around my nipples from it. So if you’re not into blood play, don’t let a Domme (or Dom or top) grab hold of your gloves without making sure they are not as sharp anymore.

These are probably one of my favorite new toys…and I have a fuck ton of toys, so that’s saying a lot. In fact, I think everyone, even people who are not super into fetishy things, should have their very own set of vampire gloves. Freaking amazing!

-Essin’ Em

I think I understand now why I was having such an issue with my femmeinism before. I was in the wrong career field!  And maybe this is just my own personal difficulty - I imagine some femmes could probably be garbage truck drivers and still rock their femmeininity, but I’m one of those whose environment contributes to their internal attitude and external image. Being a vet tech in scrubs every day, usually sweaty and covered in you don’t even want to know what, hair a mess, no time or will to put on makeup just for the animals - it took a hit on my femme rockage!

I was unhappy in the field for other reasons as well, and finally I found a job in a completely different field. Basically I’m at a desk, in front of a computer all day, and I have to look professional. Casual business attire is the name of the game. I’m not running around sweating my arse off, and am in a field where it really does matter how I look (which also meant I had to put clear jewelry in my nostril piercing to hide it, but hey, sacrifices). This is doing wonders for my femmeininity. I wear nice clothes every day. Makeup. Hair done. Nothing extravagant mind you, but enough to make me feel quite fabulously femme. It’s transferred into my non-life work as well. Jeans are still a large part of the uniform, but the tops are prettier, the shoes are prettier, the walk is sassier, and the makeup and scent are being applied more frequently. I didn’t have self-confidence issues before, but now it’s rockin’.

I must say, it feels good to rock the lifestyle. Now to find the perfect pair of heels…!

This week contributors to the anthology ‘Visible: a Femmethology’ (a two-volume look at queer femininity that will be released from Homofactus Press in March) got the devastating news that Jennifer Franet a fellow contributor had died. Jennifer died on December 25th. The news of her passing sent me, and all the other contributors reeling. Though I never knew her, I feel connected to her not only because of our shared involvement in this anthology, but also as a fellow femme.  Life is so short, so precious, and incredibly fragile.  I try to never take my partner, friends, and community for granted but it’s something that really hits home at times like this.

******
April 27, 1975 ~ December 25, 2008
On the afternoon of Christmas Day, Jennifer Eve Franet was taken from this world. A graduate of UC Berkley, the mother of two children, and a friend, Jennifer saw the world without the filters that hinder so many people. She moved to Humboldt because she loved animals, plants, and all things natural, and she loved hiking on the beach, in the woods, or by a river, and growing native plants in her tiny back yard. She was also recently accepted to the graduate program at Humboldt State University. Self-described as gender-blind, she found love in the individual. The bravery that she carried within herself took her through raising a son, Zachery, 15, and a daughter, Sage, 11, mostly on her own—while still making her way through the hardships that life put in front of her.
An accomplished writer, she was recently published in the books Hitched! Wedding Stories from San Francisco; detailing her marriage to a woman, the love they shared, and the social reactions to their union and Femmethology. She was also a contributor to the Humboldt L-Word Newsletter, and had published creative non-fiction and fiction works in many places.
As a person, Jennifer was honest and dignified. A close friend to many people in the Arcata area, she spent her life living, and never allowing the struggle to get the best of her. Her small frame carried a soul that was too large for this world. The world has been made better by her being it. And through her leaving it, somehow, it will be made stronger still.

If you were to visit me, you would notice a preponderance of candles in my house. On the dining room tables, the kitchen counter, the top of the fridge, in my bedroom, on the bookshelves (ok, not a wise sounding idea, but those are ones that aren’t going to get lit for a while). It’s one of my most stereotypical Femme/feminine traits; I LOVE candles. Especially good smelling ones.

Well, luckily, Babeland was kind enough to give me an Afterglow Candle (by Jimmy Jane) to review.

In the little box that arrived, I got the candle (which is a really good sized candle), a GIANT box of matches (score!) and a little brush. When you light the candle, and it melts, it turns into massage oil, which feels phenomenal when poured warm onto the skin.

Brush wise, I have to say I didn’t get it. I’m not sure why you’re supposed to use a brush to put oil/wax onto the skin. It just didn’t work for me. However, it is my cat’s (Kinsey) absolute new favorite toy - even more loved then his decimated peacock feather. So it certainly has it’s uses.

I got the Figleaf scent…and it was AMAZING. I lit it, and immediately, a soft but delicious smell started to fill the room. It was a little flowery, but not too much so…and it wasn’t super strong, which can ruin a moment. No no - it was ideal. And mmmm.

We let the candle burn as we played, and then she poured some of the wax/oil onto my back. As she rubbed it in, the tension left me completely. It started, after 10-15 minutes to absorb into my skin, leaving my skin soft and smelling delightful. A small amount was dropped on my nightstand, but it later hardened back into wax, and was easy to get off with a finger nail.

I love this candle. So far, it’s my favorite massage oil candle, and it’s also a great into for people who want to try wax play, but don’t want to start with “real” wax. It has a very low burning temp, making it great for anyone! Five stars, out of five!

For your very own warm, loving and caring (hey, I can anthropomorphize a candle, right?) Afterglow Candle, just click here!

-Essin’ Em

As we all know, I have a leopard print fetish. Love sac, photo albums, sheets, negligees, pillows, purse, gloves - you name it, I probably have it in leopard print. Ergo, when a certain sex toy company happened to start carrying the Liberator Ramp in LEOPARD PRINT, you can imagine the cravings I felt. Luckily, they decided to reward me (and wish me a happy birthday), and guess what arrived on my doorstep? Yeah, you got it!

So, I’ve never had a piece of sex toy furniture that was made specifically for sex. I mean, sure, I’ve re-commissioned pillows into wedges, I’ve used counters and couches. I even have an amazing Fascinator Throe that keeps my bed from getting wet/lubey/waxy/etc. But no “real” furniture.

Ergo, I was incredibly excited to give this a try. Even better, it showed up on my doorstep on my actual birthday…

I was demonstrating all the positions you could do with it. You can put it at the end of the bed, be bent over and fucked from behind. You can do doggy style on the bed. You can lean someone up against it, bending your legs until you’re half a pretzel, and get fucked. You can lean down over it it, resting your head on the bed quite comfortable, giving you ideal g-spot or p-spot access. This is bloody brilliant.

However, I have to say that I think the most brilliant use for it is for oral sex on on a woman…I’m not sure how this works for sucking cock (of any variety), but if you’re going down on a woman, and have her lie back, scootching her butt to the edge of the ramp - and BAM! Perfect position to eat some cunt. You don’t have to have the same kind of neck cramps, and you have so much more easy access. Freaking genius. And as the woman on the receiving end, it feels AMAZING.

The soft, microsuede cover feels soft and gentle against your skin - no chance of rug burn here. Better yet, you can unzip it, and it is machine washable, so you can share the ramp with partners, use lubes without fear of it getting gross after time, etc. Moreover, there is an awesome cover to put on it when it’s not in use, so you don’t need to worry about it getting dusty.

Only problem I had with this miraculous ramp was the storage issue - it’s fairly sizeable, and while it kinda sorta fits on the top shelf of my closest, it’s certainly not the best solution. I’ve contemplated leaving it out in my living room with the rest of my leopard print items, but I can’t really find a place for it. If you’re living in a one bedroom apartment like me, I would think about where you might put it before you get it.

Otherwise, this is probably one of my favorite, and most useful sexuality items I’ve had the pleasure of review. Also, you can use it for other things, like stretching, fancy yoga poses, or as a back pillow for reading in bed. Lots of uses, lots of fun, and I bet you now want your very own Liberator Ramp (and don’t worry - it comes in other colors than leopard print.

-Essin’ Em

I’m betting at least SOME of you read my original post on the Femme Spiral — the Femme’s answer to being pegged as straight women, and the ying to the Butch blue star’s yang.

My former partner knew how much it meant to me to get it…but sadly, I’m broke, and can barely afford food, none the less tattoos.  She’s a massage therapist, and for my Channukah present, she decided to trade massage work with her tattoo artist, but instead of inking herself more, she’ll be letting me get my Femme Spiral. I met with the artist today, and will be going under the needle tomorrow. I am ridiculously excited!

Here are some concept ideas I gave to the artist for MY spiral (best thing about the spiral idea? You can do whatever you want with it; crop circles, nautiluses, DNA, etc):

Obviously, I wanted my spiral to be of the more ornate, and slightly organic type. I’m so psyched for tomorrow.

However, this concept only works if other people hop on board with me.  So I invite you all to join the Femme gang, and show your colors by getting your very own Femme Spiral on your wrist.  You’ll know about the secret symbol, and can explain it to others, if you care to, and help boost our gang membership.  

Of course, I’d never suggest someone who doesn’t want a tattoo go get one. But if you’ve been thinking about it, and wanting to, here you go. I’m putting a call out to all Femmes - design and get your own Femme Spiral tattoo!  And if you’re anti-tattoo, sharpie works too.

If you *do* get one, I’d love to see pictures. I know I’ll be posting mine!

-Essin’ Em

The Hitachi Magic Wand is the only vibrator you’ll ever need again.

I mean, that’s really the entire review of it. It is one of the top selling items at Babeland, but elsewhere as well. Pretty much every sex toy retailer sells more Hitachis than anything else. Why? Because they are freaking amazing.

Someone once asked me how I’d describe the Hitachi. If a normal orgasm is like a rainstorm, the Hitachi is a like a tsunami. If a normal orgasm is like a Hershey’s kiss, a Hitachi is like Godiva. If a normal orgasm is like a shot of McCormicks, the Hitachi is Grey Goose. Get it yet?

It plugs into the wall. That’s right; no batteries, no waiting for it to recharge. Super green and environmentally friendly. Plus, the Hitachi has been around for decades upon decades. As they say, if it ain’t broke, then don’t fix it. The Hitachi is amazing. It’s wonderful. It’s perfect.

I give them as presents to people. I recommend them to people. I take people to get their first vibrator, and help them get Hitachis. They are the best toys you’ll ever own.

You can also use them as back massagers…I know it sounds kind of odd, but I mean, that IS what they were designed for. I have definitely used them to get the kinks out, and in this case, kink is not a synonym for orgasm.

There are also all kinds of attachments you can use (silicone, of course), for vaginal penetration, for anal penetration, for additional clitoral stimulation.

Basically, this is the most wonderful and amazing sex toy you can and will ever buy. I am not kidding. I am not guilty of hyperbole. You can use it alone, during intercourse, on a partner, with a partner. Use it for sex, use it for back massages.

Get a Hitachi Magic Wand. I cannot recommend it any higher. If I had to get rid of every single sex toy I own (and I own more than 150), and only keep one, I’d keep the Hitachi.

-Essin’ Em

I love chocolate. I love touching people. I love skin. Ergo, the Lovers Paintbox was obviously a brilliant choice for me.

Instead of playing with these with a partner/lover, I decided to get a wider range of opinions, and I took this kit with me to my birthday party. I figured that we might wind up playing a game like Truth or Dare (yes, I’m in my 20’s, but it’s a damn good game), and it’s always good to have…options…when playing that kind of game.

Good plan. A few rounds in, I was dared to paint my name in chocolate on Sasha Sappho’s cleavage. I did, in a variety of flavors and colors (cause this had three flavors/colors; dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate). And then I was challenged to lick it off…which took freaking forever.

I’ve tried out a chocolate body pain before, by Shunga. It was fairly liquidy, like chocolate syrup. These chocolate paints were different - thicker, chocolatier, etc. I glanced at the brush, but honestly, it was way too big for the task at hand, so I just used my fingers. If you wanted thicker lines, it would be just fine…I’ve also used a variety of little make up brushes (clean, unused of course).

General consensus was that the chocolates tasted good, although they were a little too sweet. Also, no one was a very big fan of the vanilla - I thought it has a bit of a strange after taste.

All in all, it was a ton on fun, especially in a group setting, and having used chocolate body paint before, I know it’s a lot of fun between just two people. However, keep in mind that if you’re going to lick it off, you shouldn’t use a lot, as it takes a lot of licks to get a little off. A great alternative is do your masterpiece, lick a little, and then take a fun, hot and steamy shower together.

Even better - right now, the Lovers Painbox is on sale! Even full price, you get a ton of body paint (we only used a tiny hint of it), and right now, you get a super duper deal, thanks to VibeReview.

-Essin’ Em