Life as an ex-fat femme

Image from Postsecret.com

In a recent discussion amongst ourselves we came to the conclusion that we need more diversity in our group of contributors.  I believe it was stated something along the lines of us all being white, with advanced educations, and with the exception of one (me) identified as fat femmes.  I still fit though.  I’m an ex-fat femme.

Not long ago I came out, not as a queer femme, but as an ex-fat queer femme.  I started talking about this recently with friends, how life has changed for me, especially as a femme, being thin.  I’ve been informed that the rules have changed and I now have to learn how to navigate my way through society as a thin woman, which means (and my friend really did say this) I’m not supposed to use the word fat anymore.  Really?  Is that true?  Is it like the “N Word”?  Maybe it’s the equivalent of calling myself queer, but not wanting someone else to call me a queer?  I don’t know.

Let me give you some background.  In February of 2007 I went to the doctor.  I had a baby at home with a midwife in 2005.  I hadn’t seen my weight since 2005.  I knew I was fat, but I didn’t expect them to say, “270 lbs. today”.  I immediately began to cry and cried through my entire initial consultation with a physician I had never met.  She must have thought I was nuts.  Well, kind of.  I was there for refills on my antidepressants.

I cried and cried and cried and came home and cried some more.  2 7 0.  Two hundred and seventy pounds.  I felt sexy.  I still felt like other people found me to be sexy.  My delicious husband never let on that he didn’t enjoy my body or find me attractive.  Our former girlfriend was a yummy size 18 and never once did I find her anything but perfect in her skin.  Yet the numbers resonated in my head.  Of course I knew I was fat.  I could only buy clothes at Lane Bryant or go with the limited selection of “plus-sized woman” options in a mainstream department store that were sinfully ugly.  I remember feeling like it was a punishment for being fat – either pay exorbitant prices at Lane Bryant or wear the ugly fat lady clothes.

Something fundamental changed that day, and I can’t tell you what it was.  It wasn’t about being healthy.  I know, it should be.  It was something else that I hope to be able to pinpoint by writing about this topic.  I strictly couldn’t process that I was 30 lbs. shy of 300 lbs. and I am only 5′ 4″.

Fast forward to today – it is August, 2007.  I weigh 140 lbs.  I’m a size six.  Life is very different and apparently the rules of engagement have changed.  I’m going to try to figure them out, and hopefully you’ll help me by just giving me a place to write about it here.  I want to, for example, write about how uncomfortable it makes other people that I’ve lost weight and they haven’t, or how people now worry I’m anorexic because I am so self-disciplined.

This post would go on forever and a day if I were to talk about each of those 130 lbs. that I’ve lost and all the work that went into each one of them – physical and emotional.  Everybody wants to know the secret.  There was a rumor where I used to work that I had gastric bypass surgery (how else could she have lost all that weight?).  I didn’t.  I would have, but the process seemed so complex and complicated.

Here’s what I did, in a nutshell:  I changed the way I thought about the world.  I changed the way I thought about myself.  I changed virtually every element of who I am except for the core values I hold and my red hair and freckles.  I journaled every day.  I found ways to enjoy exercise (a totally unique concept to me).  I did it the good, old-fashioned way and threw in a bunch of yoga, visualization techniques, meditation and neuro-linguistic programming.  I’m far from finished.  I don’t just mean the last 20 lbs. I want to lose.  I mean in the way I see myself now and how that is different from how I thought it would be.

So what do you think?  Is fat a naughty word we ought not say unless we ourselves identify as fat?  Does it count that some days I feel fat?  Can I still support the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance or is it patronizing?  [On a side note:  I do think it's funny that in their own Cafe Press store their largest size is XL].  Does being thin make me more feminine than when I was fat?  I feel more femme than ever, to be honest.  Is my friend right?  Am I limited to using {BBW, volumptuous, curvy, overweight, larger, bigger, and plus-sized} when all I want to say is fat?

Last 5 posts by CatalinaLoves

• Help Support Queer and Erotic Artists - November 26th, 2008
• All Hail The We-Vibe! - November 5th, 2008
• The Butterfly Temptress Cancer Fund - October 28th, 2008
• 5 Reasons Why I Love My Hitachi Magic Wand - September 30th, 2008
• Madison Young's "Lesbian Life: Real Sex San Francisco" - September 23rd, 2008

Tags: diets, ex-fat femme, fat, feminine, identities, labels, meditation, NAAFA, neurolinguistic programming, society, weight loss, yoga