I’m the only femme I know!
Over the past few weeks I have slowly come to the realization that I am pretty isolated from other gender-conscious femmes. By gender-conscious, I mean queer ladies who are keen on gender theory and the purposeful, thoughtful performance of gender. I am the only one around these parts. I do interact with other femmes when I’m out in the clubs and stuff. There are several burlesque performers and go-go dancers in the area whose gender politics I have discovered. But that’s it. Most other queer ladies I know are either butch, somewhere in between, or just don’t care to define themselves (which is also totally fine by me!). As I was reading everyone’s accounts of the Femme Conference in Chicago I was totally jealous, I found myself longing to be in a crowded room and femmes and femme allies. After Sinclair invited insisted upon my presence at the next one, I vowed to myself that I participate more formally in this conversation about queer femininity. It’s for my own survival, really.
Are any of you isolated like this? My closest friends are butches, and so is my girlfriend. All of my other friends and acquaintances are straight, or bisexual living heteronormative lifestyles. It’s hard to be a soldier in an army of feminine gender warriors when there’s no one around to link arms with for the kick line, ya know? I’m totally grateful to such a very warm and welcoming brigade of femmes in this family, but I sure wish I could go out for coffee with all of you so we could get to know each other’s stories and and histories.
So how do you girls do it? How do you cultivate sisterhood with other femmes when they’re not right there next to you, in the flesh? Where do I go to find other gender-conscious femmes? What if they’re just not there, how do I come to a place of autonomy, and if so, how do I get plugged into the matrix?
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Tags: butches, female identity, femme, femme conference, gender presentation, queer, real life, society
9 Comments
BarbRyan
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:09 am
I’ve found most of my femme friends through blogs. I use google search to find people with similar interests as well. You can also find a lot of cool websites.
I find that finding local femmes my age (29) has been hard. And if I have found them, they tend to be competitive.
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sarcozona
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:16 am
Where I live, the word “femme” is almost never used, and if it is used at all, it’s used as an adjective. I’m the only person I’ve ever met in real life (that I know of) that identifies as a femme. Most of the queer women I know are very uncomfortable with any sort of label. It didn’t used to bother me, but there are conversations I’d like to have and community I’d like to be a part of. I’ve always wished there was a Femme Mafia contingent somewhere nearby!
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Ms. Hinterland
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:54 am
Lady! I so hear you and heart you. I feel like an isolated femme as well. There is a femme mafia chapter in the nearest large city, but even that is a bit far for me to regularly participate. But, maybe there is one closer to you! For community, at the moment, I find the place I see the largest community is the internets. Sigh. Here’s a big friendly gender-conscious femme hug from me to you.
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Sublimefemme
September 22nd, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I know exactly how you feel, Miss A. I’m in the same situation, and it *is* hard, no doubt about it. Do you feel supported by the people around you? Because I think that helps a lot, even if those individuals aren’t femmes themselves.
One thing I’ve been thinking a lot about is how there may be more femmes than I realize in my city but I just don’t know them or see them. Maybe they’re “low femme” or they drive trucks and I don’t realize they ID as femme. Maybe if you were to organize a Femme Mafia chapter, you’d be surprised who turns up. You know, if you build it, they will come…. What do you think?
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Maggie
September 23rd, 2008 at 7:49 am
I have been thinking about this too….there are a lot of amazing femmes in my life, thanks to the show and the great femme community here in boston. but my girlfriend and some of my closest friends are butch, tomboyish, or genderqueer. Sometimes I feel like I spend a lot of time caring for their genders, you know?
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tieyoutopme
September 23rd, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Me too. At my last munch they didn’t even know what I was talking about when I said, “genderqueer.” So likely they also think “femme” equals “feminine.” My girlfriend is butch – although luckily she does understand the genderqueer thing, obviously. The rest of my friends are heteronormative/cisgender/totally unknowing of this entire concept.
It’s a lonely world out there for us femmes. Luckily we have each other online!
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Veronica
September 24th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Yes Yes Yes! I know one other femme in this college town where I live, but we can’t be friends, I guess, because we dated the same butch. And the butch wasn’t all that! I spend a lot of time with my straight girlfriends who are very femme (although they would never use the label). They are powerful smart ladies, very stylish and independent, and we don’t have that some weird catty competition among us. It’s fun that we can flirt with each other. On a slow night (and there are many around here!), I can even get away with flirting with their boyfriends. I gotta stay in practice somehow!
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Arwen
October 1st, 2008 at 7:50 am
I follow you on Twitter which is how I got here.
Now that the weird stalker moment is past…
I actually moved to Austin to be in a more welcoming BF community. I have femme friends here who get it. Really get it. They understand that being femme isn’t only about loving butches. They sympathize with my horror at leaving the house in sweatpants (that’s a product of being from the South for me and a product of my age. lol. )
I have no clue about a local femme mafia. I’ll have to look for that. I didn’t make the Femme Conference this year because I was moving and couldn’t afford it. A bunch of my friends went though. A bunch.
I find a lot of my friends through bf.com which has been a mainstay for me as I have explored this femme identity of mine.
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Freckles
October 7th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Hey Lady! Please do not feel alone. I uphold The Femme Fatale Flag of grace and beauty. And I do mean beauty of word, spirit and feminine integrity. I have an incredible butch partner who enhances and helps me develop my femme identity as I help him develops his. We are perfect for each other. The catch-22 of being a femme in this society is we are queer femmes having to integrate with straight women who are a different breed of femme. Should I venture to say that they do not even know that they are femme in the first place.They are still caught up in the antiquated gender war with men thinking that one day they will win the fight. What a ghastly waste of time. Now that I am out, I am enjoying being femme a million times more than when I identified as straight and, (ok I’m gonna admit) temporarily bisexual. My Beau brings out my femininity in a way I never thought possible and certainly never felt safe doing with a man. I am sure that there is an endless well of feminine spirit that I haven’t begun to tap into yet and as the days pass I look forward to being everything I envision. So please continue to reach out – WE ARE HERE!
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