My Femme Thank You Speech

Cross-posted from Essin-Em.com

Hussyred posted something last week (2 weeks ago?) about how we came into our Femme identities, and who/what has contributed to them. I’ve written slightly about this before, but here is my time to say my thank yous. Lady Brett Ashley did hers in the form of an acceptance speech. Mine will be similar, but with more explanation, and less pizazz. I’m not known for my pizazz.

Thank you to those who helped me discover and nurture my Femme identity:

*The person at Dinah Shore 2007. We were in my room, regaining energy after round 2 or 3 or 10 of sex, and they looked over at my make up and hot iron strewn across the vanity. “You are such a Femme.”

“What? No, I’m not!” My concept of Femme was the same as hyper feminine, lipstick. I rejected the social construction of required femininity. “I don’t usually wear heels, I don’t even OWN foundation, I’m allergic to pink. What the hell are you talking about?”

“Femme is not all that. Femme is an attitude. You have a Femme attitude.”

“I most certainly do not.” Hands on my hips, I looked like a large feline, eyes flashing slightly dangerously.

“And there is that attitude right there. Femme isn’t a bad thing. I *like* Femmes. They’re fucking hot.”

And then we fucked again. For another few hours. And the next day. On the plane ride home, I contemplated the concept of Femme. Someone more on the feminine end of the spectrum, but “doing” femininity in her own way. An attitude, not an outfit. And so my journey as a Femme began. Thank you for helping me open the door to my Femme-ness.

*Sinclair Sexsmith. Sinclair is brilliant. And hot. And it’s not secret that Sinclair is at the top of my “Butches I’d like to fuck” list (yes, I have a list). And my “Bloggers I’d like to fuck” list. Hell – people I’d like to fuck in general. Anyways, reading Sugarbutch.net really really really helped me to process the identity and concept of Femme. There was so much to Femme, as much as any other identity. Sinclair made me look at my own identity, and helped me to “create” MY version of Femme. I may not wear stilettos (hello 3 knee surgeries), I may loathe pink, and I’ve certainly never had a manicure in my life. However, when I get all put together, eye some hot Butch at the club, and use a snarky line, I always think of the amazing amount of influence and guidance Sinclair has provided. Thank you to Sinclair for helping me discover so much of all of my identities.

*J. My ex, J. J really brought out the Femme in me sometimes. He’d show up in a button down and a tie, and I wanted to look so hot that he’d not be able to stand it. I wanted to be so hot that he’d fuck me before dinner, after dinner, and at times, during dinner. I would do my hair instead of leaving it curly and down. I’d put on make up, and pick out a sexy outfit. And then he’d call, saying he was outside, and I’d stand framed in the doorway, watching him look me over, and damn it, I’d feel so bloody hot. One time, I had on a 50′s style strapless dress, and black thigh highs. We’d just gotten back into my apartment, and he went down on me, under my dress, while I was trying to stand up and keep my balance, rolling my stockings down slightly. The fact that I could look so attractive, and be so sassy that someone would want to have me right then and there? That’s part of my Femme attitude (Femmitude?). I’d let him open my car door (something I’d NEVER let anyone do before), I’d let him wait for me to sit…I began to re-examine my idea of chivalry in a new context. So a big thank you to J on that.

*K. We really didn’t talk that much about my idea of being a Femme…we had other things to cover. One day, we were moving through a big crowd of people, and he just grabbed my hand and led me through. It was incredibly hot…yet something I couldn’t imagine having found attractive a year or two ago. Not a Femme thing per se…although it influenced me somehow. But I remember one day, I was at his place, and he told me he’d walk me out. I looked at him oddly; it didn’t seem like the time of thing he’d do, and I commented on it. He told me that I just seemed to bring it out in him. I hugged him goodbye, and as I drove home, I thought about it. In the year that I’d been playing with the idea of being a Femme, I’d gone from hating people holding doors, opening doors, lending me their jackets, leading me through crowds to feeling empowered and getting turned on by it. When I met people I was attracted to, my femmitude totally came through…I would wait for a door to be opened, letting them go first. When I shook hands, I would catch their gaze, and then drop my eyes first, essentially asking them to make a move. I LIKED that I brought that out in him. Thank you to K for indirectly validating my identity, and making me feel like I “worked” properly.

*The Femmes in a variety of porn (Pink and White, Fatale, San Francisco Lesbians 1-12, Working Girlz). These women really cemented the idea to me that Femme DOES NOT EQUAL weak. To me, feminine sometimes does, but Femme certainly does not. I am a fierce Femme, a feisty Femme. I have snarky lines, I am learning to flirt, I’m almost at the point where I’m able to get people to pin me up against walls and then fuck the hell out of me. Femme does not mean being passive in bed. Femme does not mean being passive in general. To me, Femme can and often does equal power. Thank you to these hot power Femmes for showing me that.

*Other Sex Bloggers. There are so many. Miss Avarice. Scarlet Lotus. Dylan. Lady Brett Ashley. Sasha Sappho. Pretty much half of Sinclair’s community list. Sinclair’s friend Muse, who posts comments on Sinclair’s blog, and whom I was lucky enough to meet in real life. The writers at the Femme’s Guide to Absolutely Everything (that is y’all!). Thank you to all of you for the comments, discussion, reassurance, new ideas, and so much more.

*Books. Books. Books. Erotica books. Academic books. Fiction books. Biographies. Memoirs. My shelves are covered with them. Thank you to all of the authors for showing me the giant spectrum of Femme, and letting me realize that there IS not definition for the label, and that I don’t have to try and fit myself into some box.

I’m sure there are more influences, but these are the ones I can think of off the top of my head. Thank you to all these people and things, and to anything and everything else that has been part of the creation and realization of this identity. I appreciate you all.

-Essin’ Em

Other posts by essinem

• Defining Femme - June 17th, 2010
• Polyamory 101/Relationship Mapping Class - Denver, CO - February 15th, 2009
• The Femme Spiral...in real life - February 10th, 2009
• A study on ethnography and dykes - February 6th, 2009
• NoFauxxx.com Membership Giveaway - January 30th, 2009

Tags: butch/femme, feminine, femme, gender, identities, queer, real life, thank you, thoughts