I know exactly how you feel.

Been there. Done that. Still doing it.

Still meeting men who “want to watch” or women who say “youre a lesbian then, huh??”.

Frustrating to say the least.

Discrimination against bisexuality is rampant in both the hetero and gay communities.

We get it from both sides.

The worst part for me is just finding women to date.

They see me with men and assume all I want is a threesome.

I want more, lots more.

Hugs honey. I can’t, and won’t say I relate, BUT I do believe every person has a right to their life, their way. And isn’t that the most important factor? Ourselves?

lol, Roxy, way to whip that curtain back and step out onto stage. you’re beautiful.

Hey Roxy! Nice post.

Part of the problem with bi visibility is that people define you by the gender of your lover. As a woman, If you’re with someone who pings male, then you’re flaunting your heterosexual privileged life. If you’re with a woman, you’re denying your sexuality or you’re going to leave her and take up your heterosexual privileges. (Because you obviously think of that first and foremost when falling in love. Let me see. Will I get my het rights? Check? Then it’s a go!) So unless you’re with a genderqueer partner who doesn’t ping solidly on anyone’s radar (then, of course, you’re just friends) or in a triad with a man and a woman who go everywhere with you and make it clear every second that you’re both their lovers, well, then, people get lazy and toss you into a box. It feels sometimes as if you have to come out to every damn person you meet, and then they tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about, or they’re hostile.
Oh yeah, the joy of being (a fence sitting, will f**k anything that moves, cake eating& having it too, confused, lying) bisexual never ends.

Wow! thanks for your blunt and honest opinion. Too often I find bisexuals slinking away from who they are to fit in with either hetro/queer. And, never fitting in with either. Always someone thinking we should be changed. Enough has been said about “on the fence” crap…. So on with…

I do agree with the superiority/or evolved idea you put forth as well. I wonder to myself who would pick a sexual preference when you don’t have to. When you can be either/both? To me, I was born this way and like you learned early although wasn’t ostracized for it, but found a lot of kinky chicks to hang with. Lucky I guess. It was all a part of “play”-acting with my friends, and we never really talked about it as a sexual thing (although it very much was with groping of breasts/humping/etc…) This was 6-10 yrs of age and happened into my teens when I started dating guys.

But, I don’t think people pick their sexual preference or identity… I believe everyone is born bisexual (they are in the womb… This is a fact that all humans are female and grow into male or female in the womb.) but evolves via circumstances and preferences (nurture/nature) any many other factors. However, if one where to find a truly harmonious sexuality it would be BISEXUALITY, IMHO. Just look at the Bonobo Chimpanzees who instead of making warfare and cannibalizing their fellow friends, just have a good time fucking. All they do is fuck: each other, themselves, they masturbate, have orgies. And, not STDs that I know of… yet…

So, Although often bisexuals are misunderstood as being “on the fence” I think we are perhaps feared for being strangely evolved. Or maybe not evolved at all when you look into the womb?

My 2cents. Lovin yer blog!

I definitely identify as bisexual, though I also think of myself as queer… but the interesting thing is that once you’re married (to a man), it’s a social expectation that you’re no longer bisexual, but in fact heterosexual (because you would be default be monogamous with a man).

So it surprises people when I say that I’m married and bisexual or queer. It’s as though marriage trumps orientation and therefore I am by default in a different category.

I definitely lost friends, mostly lesbian friends – for my disloyalty to womyn – when I began to introduce my then boyfriend, now husband to them.

Oh why is it that those who sometimes struggle the most for personal freedom impose their beliefs on others?

I’m guilty of it myself, at least in one way, no doubt.

Nice post, Roxy – welcome to our Femmetastic World!

Hi Roxy!
I’m far older than you and a straight female, but, because of a very early crush/fan squeal for Tyrone Power, I learned early about folks who are bi. Although he was of the generation where you either stayed in the closet or your career was kaput, Ty’s personalith was such that men and women lusted and loved him and it was pretty evident that the feelings were reciprocated
In a wip I’m working on one of my chracters (actually two) is bi. It came naturally for me to write about this guy – new character, but easily my fave. His life was pretty standard straight going after the gals (he’s Irish ) but always kind of looking at guys. When he finally meets the one guy with whom he falls in love, he decides, yep, he’s gay.
Wrong. As one character puts it: “There’s just too much love out there to to keep it to gender.”
This is right for Casey.
Am I turned on by women?
Not sexually.
But that’s me.

Hey, Roxy.

I just wanted to give a little love from the lesbian side of the fence you straddle. I am one of those (unfortunately, rare) dykes that embraces and loves you bi girls. I don’t think it’s a phase or that you’re a bunch of sluts. (Though there ain’t nothin’ wrong with being a slut, either! I identify as a slut, and I love it, but that’s another story altogether.) I place myself squarely as a Kinsey 5, because there are pieces of masculinity I enjoy that make my queerness a little more complicated. ID’ing as “bi” doesn’t feel right for me anymore, but I don’t think that means other people’s bisexual identities are any less valid or true for them.

It’s nice to have your voice in the fold here at Femme Guide!

Hi Roxy, I have no problem with everyone being who they are sexually ~ straight, bi, lesbian or gay. In fact, I encourage it simply because I believe we all have the right to be who we truly are. I took a stand at fifteen over another highly controversial matter, and suffered the consequences, but never backed down. So I understand that.
The only thing I object to is ‘bi’ being a more evolved state. Nope. Can’t go there. I think we’re all evolving no matter what our sexuality is, and no matter what our preferences are.

I’m certainly bi-sexual! Although I didn’t come to realize-admit it until after I married a man. So yea, it is hard when you’ve been married for almost five years to all the sudden come out at bi-sexual. Then everyone wonders how you know Well that’s not something I really need to discuss with everyone, it really isn’t their business.
I am what I am and as I look back, I’ve always been attracted to both genders, I was just so affected by the prejudice on both sides about picking hetero vs homo that I figured if I still liked men it made me straight. Wow was I wrong

i’m also bi and i find biphobia annoying, but i also think that a whole lot of bi people in het-appearing relationships are (willfully?) ignorant of the fact that they ARE receiving some amount of het privilege, whether they want to or not. & i can’t blame lesbians (or bi women in f/f relationships) for being resentful of that.

Roxy, I love your blog posts. Direct, to the point and without apologies. As a straight female, married to the same guy since the beginning of time. I always find your posts enlightening.

It is a wonder, in this day, that there is bias in all types of sexuality. Thanks for sharing.

Someone posted a link to your blog on the Bi Women of All Colors group list…very cool! And thanks for linking to the Bi Writers Association! Good for you for being so out and strong and believing in yourself, despite those around you not getting it. When you are a femme, people rarely read you as queer unless you go out of your way to inform them, something I often do. And after that, people still see you through all their assumptions about bisexuality. It’s very annoying when people think they know more about you than you do yourself.

By the way, since you are such a fantastic educator, I think you should know that bisexual is spelled without a hyphen. There is a cute piece by Tom Limoncelli about that http://whatexit.org/tal/mywritings/how-to-spell-bisexual.html

I LOVE ALL THE COMMENTS! And as such am feeling very welcomed:)

Is it any wonder because of my bluntness that I tend to enrage both sides of the fence though? No one wants to really acknowledge that bisexuality is “real” and when they are face with someone like me who is obviously so (girl) it brings out their meaner side.

I love to go to lesbian functions…concerts, festivals, tea parties (lol) but have learned that when I am there, swimming with the sharks as it is) that I need to keep my mouth tightly closed because there really is nothing worse than a room full of loving, happy, smiling womyn to suddenly turn cold and uncomfortable, knowing the reason is me…

So Colleen thank you for the support!

And Sheela…honest…I knew that…my brain must have gone dead, because I reread the post wondering where I spelled it wrong and sure enough…I think it was every time…y’gads!
But providing the link was very nice!! Thank you

Hi Roxy,

I just want to say that I really enjoyed reading your post, and to put in a little plug for the show that I’m doing right now in San Francisco at the Center for Sex and Culture. It’s called FLUID, and it’s a one-woman show which I wrote and perform, which gets into a lot of the issues and topics that you raise in your piece.

If you or any of your readers are in the area this week or next, I’d love it if you could come and let me know what you think! Mostly I’m just doing this play because I love conversations like the one happening here on your blog! If anyone is not in SF at this time, but interested in the show feel free to contact me via my company’s website.

You can get all the info at http://www.packofothers.org/fluid

Thanks for doing what you’re doing!

Warmly,
Erika Kate

I’m one of those married bisexual women that is often resented. I am also polyamorous, and active in BDSM both privately and at local group functions. Its safe to say that I walk in a different world than a lot of people

I DO understand the resentment that is often made clear to me. Often my former gf, my husband, and I would all go out to the local gay bar togeather and it was always pretty clear I was with both of them. What others DON’T understand is that it is NOT just a walk in the park being bisexual and/or poly as well.

I find myself attracted to people regardless of gender, not because of it. Its incredibly hard for me to let a woman know that I am attracted to her, because I know right up front that me being bi could be “a problem.”

I don’t really feel that bisexuals are more evolved. I do feel that it takes a strong person to admit their bisexuality and be at ease with it.

I hope that one day people will be able to accept each other, and accept that a persons sexuality and attractions do not denote anything good or bad, but that sexuality and attraction just “is.”

Hi! I’m also a bisexual woman. I currently have a female bottom and a male sir- I’m in the SM community. We haven’t all been out together as of yet, but I know the day will come where people will assume that my girl is my ‘sister-slave’ or some other stuff.

I don’t see myself as poly – I’m not actually having sex with my girl, but if I did, it isn’t a label that I think really applies to me – but I’ve dealt with the ‘if you want both a man and a woman, you must be an evil freak who wants a threesome’ thing. I don’t. He doesn’t. Neither does she – she’s a lesbian who’s in an asexual relationship with a man (it’s complicated). Her husband knows I exist, but he’s not involved with any of this. My boyfriend hasn’t even met her yet, and at any rate he respects her dykitude. I just think of us as having some Weimar Berlin kinda thing going on. How we’re going to explain it to other people, I don’t really know.

What I wish for is to someday have a female friend who is my occasional and casual lover, while also having my boyfriend/sir, who is also my primary lover, and having those be two totally different relationships. I love and adore women, and I know that while being with a man give me access to heterosexual privilege, I’m very capable of loving a woman fully. I just don’t want to be put in a position where I’m being forced to choose between two people when I already love my boyfriend very much (because he came first, not because he has a dick). Or, even better, to meet a woman who is as funny smart, and entertaining as he is, and to happily let them share me- I think they could work it out somehow.

Is pretty shame but humans get use to things very fast and then is pretty hard for them to accept changes, I guess thats why a lot of people can’t understand some subcultures, they loose his child capability to learn new things, and now just ban what they haven’t seem before.

Thats why I think you’re really better that other people, because you’re more open to understand the others.

Thank you all for visiting, reading and commenting
Hugs
Roxy