Entering Unknown Territory
Last week I went to a party…A Gigglefest…and trust me, I had a very good time but something happened that night that has left me thinking…a lot…about all of the rules I have created for myself…
I’m forty-four years old; isn’t it time I throw out some of the old rules with yesterday’s trash? And then with that thought immediately follows the chastisement from the little bitch dressed in white sitting on my right shoulder, “Don’t even think about it.”
Sigh.
Thank goddess I have that nasty little she-devil all dressed in red sitting on my left shoulder, shouting, “You go girl!”
By now, you, my reader, are probably as thoroughly as confused as I am…
Here was my dilemma, seeing that I was at a party with forty amazing, beautiful women…and hooking up with one of them seemed to be a probability…
There was lots of giggling…and jiggling…and flirting going on. I got to dance with a woman who I really like and admire (she once asked me to have her baby and I still regret not doing so…after dancing, we shared a few drinks and talked at length about that decision and how it has affected both of our lives. Okay, we got drunk together…and I felt a lot worse about the decision.)
Hours later, I got to hug and snuggle and kiss a beautiful woman who until that night had just been a passing flirtation…
And then sometime later, okay…much later…sitting by a campfire, listening to the sweet music of some of the women who had brought their drums…I tried to figure out just why I wasn’t somewhere private and naked with either of the first two women…and ended up with a third woman in my lap.
Did I say woman?
Oh sweet goddess…
Rephrase that to girl…soft, sexy, waist length blonde hair billowing around us in a sexy, sweet scented cloud. And I was in lust up to my eyeballs (Did I forget to mention that in her own innocent way she’d been trying to hook-up all evening?)
Twenty-two and plenty legal but soooo off limits because of my damn rules…
I have a rule about the girls and bois I get involved with…they can’t be more than fifteen years younger than me. Why? Good question and one I really don’t seem to have an answer for except for the fact that one of my ex-husbands was fifteen years older than me and that seemed acceptable…whereas if there had been more than fifteen years between us that would have been somehow…unacceptable.
I’ve been plenty tempted to break that rule in the past and so I amended with a clause that if tempted, I might be swayed, but I would never enjoy the favors of anyone younger than my daughters…there, that would keep me safe for a good long time. I definitely wouldn’t break that rule, right? That would just be too gross being with someone younger than any of my daughters…
And then the beauty in my lap kissed me.
Wow.
She rocked my world and then some…I won’t bore you with the details of what followed but I was good (okay, I was as reasonably well behaved as I could be with a luscious beauty in my lap intent on hooking up)…in the end I politely declined an invitation to join her somewhere more private…
And I was left to stare into the fire…binding myself with mental ropes to keep myself from chasing her into the dark…because I really wanted to.
I could blame it on horniness…My husband has been away on business since August 3rd with the exception of a Saturday once a month…
Or, I could just admit that I’m a hypocrite and be done with it…
Wouldn’t it be so liberating to toss all of the rules to the wind and just enjoy the moments that come my way? It would…it really, really would…
Looking into the fire, listening to the drums…I realized that my heart was pounding out of my chest because the too young girl had spoken a primal language to the beast that lives inside of me…the one who only sees life in fantasy and dream…the one who I packed away when I left my inner boi behind so long ago and didn’t allow him to become a man…because I had to be someone else…I had to be someone’s mother…and my Femme-self came into being.
My beast…
My little boi grown up…
I don’t have a rule for this one. I’m in unknown territory. I know what my primal instinct wanted to do…I wanted to wrap her hair in my fist. I wanted to hold her down and kiss her mindless. I wanted to thrust my cock inside of her, dominate her, make her beg and scream…
That is behavior reserved for only in my mind…
But now, I feel like there is a battle going on inside of me and this round went to the little bitch on my right shoulder. I obeyed the rules…I was good…But watching the fire flicker and spark, I decided something else. I’m tired of living by rules of right and wrong that don’t really make any sense to me anymore (did they ever?) and I want to let my beast out to play…and honestly, there isn’t anything femme about that part of me at all.
Maybe this is “just a phase”…
I remember my mom saying that when I was young…at the time I’d cut off my hair and taken to carrying my wallet in my hip pocket…
A phase would be a comfort…I know who I am in my Femme skin…and this…unknown territory is so far out of my comfort zone that I really don’t know the answer to, “What next?”
Last 5 posts by Roxy Harte
- The Bitchin' and Moanin' Is OVER... - February 17th, 2010
- Lesbian Erotica Rejection Letters - June 10th, 2009
- Writing Lesbian Erotica... - March 16th, 2009
- Woman Prime Minister Is Also An Outspoken Lesbian - January 29th, 2009
- Ready To Start Your New Year Out Kink-Style? - January 9th, 2009
14 Comments
Natt Nightly
October 9th, 2008 at 8:17 am
“Looking into the fire, listening to the drums…I realized that my heart was pounding out of my chest because the too young girl had spoken a primal language to the beast that lives inside of me…the one who only sees life in fantasy and dream…the one who I packed away when I left my inner boi behind so long ago and didn’t allow him to become a man…because I had to be someone else…”
This stopped me in my tracks, demanding to be re-read. I’m in this process right now of allowing my boy to grow up, and it’s terrifying. I remember how many times I denied him his freedom of expression because of the contraints on my life to be a different person. Your observation and memories really resonated with me. Thank you.
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Purrkitty
October 9th, 2008 at 9:05 am
I say take that Beast and let it out! Why deny something really so natural and healthy over arbitrary rules set by yourself? Sometimes its safer not to take that leap, so we make “rules” for ourselves. Nothing wrong with moving forward and trying on new skins sometimes.
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Roxy Harte
October 9th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
@Natt … Knowing that at least one other person on the planet is feeling as I do made writing this post worth the emotional effort to step outside my comfort zone.
and
@Purrkitty … trying on new skin is exactly what it feels like.
Thank you both for stopping by!
Hugs
Roxy
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Roxy Harte
October 9th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
@Natt Nightly … Thank you for commenting. Knowing that at least one other person on the planet is feeling as I do made writing this post worth the emotional effort to step outside my comfort zone…
@ Purrkitty … Good to see you here;)
Any time I “put myself out there” I never know how what I am saying will be received, so the support of those who read and comment is especially appreciated. Thank you.
Hugs
Roxy
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Lissa Matthews
October 9th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
I empathize and sympathize with your struggle! Putting oneself out there, allowing the soul to be so naked, to be more honest than the average person will ever have the courage to be…I applaud you! The rules we make up…are they more for us or for those around us? Do we abide by them because they are right or because we are trying to make sure everyone around us is comfortable with who we are and the choices we make? Those moments that we question ourselves, that we question our rules, is often the moment that we begin to grow…and growth is exceptionally brilliant and never wrong!
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amber
October 9th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
But, but…Roxy, she was soooo ready! I think you should have listened to the little she evil in red.
See, I say this, but in reality I would be battling the same with the two on my shoulders and my ‘comfort zone’.
I believe that people often times pick up on things about us that we are trying so hard to ignore.
Just my two cents…. Beautifully written, and a lovely image to go along with it.
~~a~~
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missavarice
October 9th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
No lie: I read this aloud to my girlfriend. We are both 24 and utterly mesmerized by women in the 10-20 years older than us range. For me, I especially looove older butch women, she could care less who it is as long as they’re attractive! I especially loved how you described her as soft, sexy and with waist length blond hair – I think I go by that description! Long dark blond hair with big waves and curls. It was nice to put myself into your story for a moment
Don’t be shy, there are TONS of younger women who are dying for a chance to get it on with some sexy grown ups!
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Jeanne Barrack
October 9th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Fascinating reading, Roxy. I kept thinking: she has got to put this into a story!
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NookieNotes
October 10th, 2008 at 2:05 am
Ahhh. I love it. The struggle is sometimes consuming. I am fighting my own rules right now, and I can feel myself in your place…
There is a fantasy book I have read several times… a good read. Rhapsody. There is a character in this book with an inner dragon. He struggles with it mightily. The dragon sees the pretty lady and all he wants to do is reach out and say, “Mine!”
THIS struggle I know.
I don’t feel my inner boi. Once I read that book, though, I felt my inner dragon. I felt like I had a name for that primal beast in me, the one I so often keep under wraps.
In your story here, I could feel that beast stir, feel the fire, the pretty golden thing in my lap, and thought, “MINE.” It hurts because the beast is so much larger than i am inside and just doesn’t fit in the skin of rules and civilization I wear, yet it feels so good.
*hugs ya*
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Sunamoon
October 10th, 2008 at 5:13 am
beautiful and so well said, Roxy as usual. I know how you feel about the young goddess; I encounterd something along those lines myself last week and while she was utterly adorable and sexy all my head kept saying was she is younger than your daughter! As for your sweet boibeast..embrace him he is part of you.. I know my inner beast is alove and well and she growls insistently from time to time to feel that all to knowing release…
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Lissa Matthews
October 10th, 2008 at 10:39 am
I agree, Jeanne!
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Roxy Harte
October 10th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
LOL Jeanne and Lisa…thinking of how to change the names to protect the innocent as I type…and there is that pesky Fiction disclaimer about any resemblance to anyone living or dead…but other than that…
Maybe when I’m rich and famous I could do a Roxy Tells All Memoir…ROFLMAO
Then there is the hard part of finding a Lesbian Books publisher…don’t get me on that soapbox again!
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Roxy Harte
October 10th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
@missavarice Fantacizing now:) thx
Hugs
Roxy
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Y
October 14th, 2008 at 11:11 am
i love it when you give us a little piece of you through your writing, either on a blog or your books or where-ever. there is something comforting in learning about another person, maybe it is just me. i am not an outgoing person unless unless there is a certain amount of comfort so i don’t open up to others often. hmmm, did i have a point? oh yeah, thanks for sharing!
-y-
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