But You Don’t LOOK Gay!

So I had this new super part time job doing promotional marketing. Like 3-5 hours a week. Of course, now that we’re in the economy crisis, they’ve cut out their street team, but that’s beside the point.

On the first day working in the field (and by “in the field,” I mean taking pictures and giving away swag at a local dive bar), I was partnered with a gay guy. Haha. Funny. Put the two queers in a punk rock filled dive bar (actually, it was a bar I love – Friday nights they spin nothing but 80s!) trying to give away, via raffle, a bunch of snowboarding stuff. I think we had like 5 people enter. Regardless, we were joking about how funny it was that the only two out people on the promotional team were put together on an assignment…and not one at a gay club at that.

My boss stopped by to see how things were going, and I pointed this out to her. She looked at me.

“Really? You’re a lesbian (I decided not to explain the whole ‘No, I’m QUEER’ thing to her at this point in time)? I would never have guessed. I mean, you don’t LOOK gay.”

I turned to my gay partner. “Really? I mean, you knew, right?”

He looked me up and down. “I mean, not really. She’s right. You don’t really LOOK gay.”

I sighed.

It’s not the first time I’ve heard this. Or second. Or even hundredth time that someone has said something like this to me. Apparently, I missed the memo on what gay/queer people are SUPPOSED to look like.

Last month, I was on a rooftop bar (yes, Denver has rooftop bars open, even in the snow. We’re hardcore) celebrating a friend’s birthday. I met a group of queer women, and gravitated towards them. One was talking about how frustrating it was that no one read her as a lesbian. I told her that I had (obviously), and then another girl in the group turned towards me.

“You’re a lesbian? I mean, you don’t really look it. If I saw you in a bar, I’d definitely think straight girl with alternative style.”

Gah. Damn it. What the fuck is “lesbian style??” I am not double popping my collars, getting an asymmetrical hair cut, tattoos on my arms, etc. I don’t wear button downs, ties and fedoras out. I was not born of the jean skirt and boots revolution. I like Butch style…when the person about to kiss/fuck/chat with me is wearing it, but not on me. Why the hell should I have to change my style in order for me to “look gay??”

Fuck that.

I am a Femme that rarely wears lipstick or heels. I wear what I want to wear, what I feel comfortable and hot in, what fits me and my personality. I will not cave. I may not “look gay” to apparently either gay or straight people, but I am comfortable in both my style and my sexuality, and see no reason to change for others.

Every now and then, I begin to get fed up. I begin to wonder if I should. And then I am reassured. Last Spring, I was panicking about this, and Sinclair told me that any Butch would obviously know I was a feisty Femme. In my recent panic, I was thinking about trying to fit in more. Then a cute dyke in my Strap-On 101 class and I were chatting, and I said something about color-coordinating my sex toys (which I DO do), and she looked and me and said “god, you’re SUCH a Femme!” One little sentence, and it was so nice to hear. I was seen as my identity. It didn’t matter that I was wearing pants and a button down shirt (albeit, a polka dot button down) – she saw that little Femme spark in me.

So I ask you, please don’t ever tell people things like “you don’t look gay” or “you don’t look disabled.” Unless you know a person, and are close, and are joking with them, these are things that aren’t ok. I mean, if I’m rocking my polka dot crutches, and am worried about some where we’re going, and my friend says “what? you’re handicapped? I never would have guessed,” it’s one thing. Or if my friend is wearing a giant rainbow feather boa, and I tell her that she just doesn’t look queer enough, that’s something different. But to tell someone that they don’t fit into part of their identities because of how they look? That’s just silly.

That’s all I have to say on this for now.

Adapted from a post on www.Essin-Em.com

Other posts by essinem

• Inspiration - August 24th, 2010
• Defining Femme - June 17th, 2010
• Polyamory 101/Relationship Mapping Class - Denver, CO - February 15th, 2009
• The Femme Spiral...in real life - February 10th, 2009
• A study on ethnography and dykes - February 6th, 2009

Technorati Tags: Essin' Em, identity, lesbian, queer, rant

Tags: Essin' Em, identity, lesbian, queer, rant