what keeps a femme, femme?

i’ve been thinking a lot lately about the way that femmes are so often defined and recognized by proximity to their relationship to a “more visible” partner or date.  now, this is not new: we femmes spend a lot of time talking about invisibility, how to be and show off femme without a partner who “outs” us, what it means to “pass” when you don’t want to, how femme is not the “opposite of butch” but a thing all of it’s glorious own.
but lately i’ve been thinking about it even more and in a more complicated circumstance than what i’m personally accustomed to: my current partner is a straight, ‘factory direct’ man, and we live in a place where queer folks are very, very, very under represented.

now, negotiating my femme self, and my queer self, in this situation is something that has been difficult in ways that are at times crushing and at times very freeing.  certainly not having a community present makes things more difficult because there are very few places i feel that i am accepted and recognized as a queer femme.  however, more than this, i have found that the community i *do* have has a really hard time negotiating my relationship and my identity, to the point of people (some I know, some I don’t) questioning my queer femme identity.

now from some people i expected this.  i’ve been out as queer to my family since i was 16 and this is the first straight person i’ve ever dated (of any gender).
my grandparents: so happy! (he’s catholic, but you know, no one’s perfect).
my parents: while not as openly jubilant, it was the first time anyone i’ve dated has been invited to spend holidays with us.  i don’t think they’ve made such an effort to like someone i’m dating since… well, ever.  i always thought they’d be glad i’d never get pregnant on accident (like they did) but apparently birth control and potential abortions are far less scary than diesel dykes.

but from some people in my community in which queer has always meant “do it loud and with glitter” i have found a certain amount of resistance.
ok, not resistance.  outright non-acceptance of both me and my partner.  I’m not sure if it’s because my partner is straight, if it’s because he doesn’t speak fluent English, if it’s because we live so far away that daily or even weekly familiarity with our relationship isn’t possible, or if it’s simply because there’s no gossip like queer femme actually  (gasp) dating a straight guy.  maybe it’s all of this or maybe it’s none.  I’m honestly not sure.

i do know i should have seen this coming.  i have seen bisexual folks treated like the bastard at a family reunion enough times to know that, for some in the big gay rainbow, anything resembling or approaching bi = traitor, confused, trying-to-pass, newly out, etc.  ironically, all things i have heard said about femmes (in general) as well.  but i can’t speak to a bi-femme experience, i only realise now what a lot more i’ve got to learn as a queer femme experiencing what i’m sure is only small slice of bi-hating-heaven.  not only because of the relationship i’m in myself, but also in general: in the past i was *so* sure i would never date a person that would call my queerness into question that i think i allowed myself to largely pay lip service (instead of real, concentrated thought and respect) to the experiences i heard bi folks talking about.

the frailties of youth.  maybe i thought, well, i’m not bi, i’m queer, and i’ve always said love comes from where it comes.  i was, i admit, thinking that might be more in the way of me falling for a femme than a straight man, but what can you do?  the fact is, when someone lights you up and makes you feel like your heart can grow wings and trail fairy dust, you don’t ignore that (or i don’t, anyway).  likely it was my own way of trying to protect myself, too, from a lot of bi-phobia that is always around.  i admit i was never really an outspoken defender of bi-femmes in the past, and that is something i regret and have changed.

now, i said that in reference to bi-femmes and this is where i get to my real point.  i have known a few butches and many trans men who admit to being bisexual or queer in a way that encompasses straight folks as well.  moreover, in conversations about theoretical situations i have heard more than one person, more than one femme, state unabashedly that a butch and a straight man would always be a queer relationship, because the butch would (visibly?) queer it.  a trans guy dating a straight girl, these same people say, could be queer if the trans guy was queer, or straight if he’s straight id-ed too.  maybe people assume that a straight man dating a butch person or a trans masculine person would HAVE to be a more accepting straight person to be–what?  attracted in the first place?  i’m not sure, but i know there is a key in what we assume about the appearance and appeal of femmes, and the resulting interaction with the straight world.

…which leads me to question where any of that leaves a femme (any femme) who is in a relationship with a straight person.  if a butch or a trans man automatically queers a relationship, why are femmes so easily considered straight-acting?  why is it always implied that, because we are femme, we are also clearly not out in our relationships and to the world, no matter who our partner is? moreover, isn’t that playing into the same old bullshit that a lot of femmes get about trying to pass, not ‘looking’ queer or gay or lesbian or… enough?  yes, there is something to be said for the politics of “passing”, even when it is unintentional.  but what about how we act?  is a “visibly queer” person inherently more likely to be out in their words and actions?  or is appearance the full sum of our parts? to assume that my femme-ness makes me likely to cheerfully slide into a nice straight role in nice, straight relationship is both hysterical and wildly misguided, and I know I’m not the only femme that’s true of.

on the other end of the spectrum, if a femme is made “straight” in a relationship with a straight man, shouldn’t the same be true if anyone, femme/butch/trans/none-or-all-of-the-above dates a straight person? i think it is fair to say that a large majority of the butches and trans-masculine people i know have messed around with straight women.  so, if a straight man makes me and my relationship ‘straight’, shouldn’t a straight person do the same to those who date them, of whatever gender?  is that the power of straight folks, that they magically convert whoever dates them into the same thing?

of course not.

and believing that is, in reality, policing someone else’s identity by making it dependent on the opinion of others.  ever been told “it’s just a phase” or “you haven’t met the right ____ yet”?
yeah, exactly.

moreover it’s unfair to say that anyone dating a straight person in a gender combination that is normally considered a heterosexual relationship is therefore IN a heterosexual relationship.  in my opinion, if one person identifies as queer (or bi or lesbian or gay or… etc), the relationship is not straight.  maybe it’s not queer either, but it’s sure as hell not fair for anyone outside of the relationship to decide either way.

in the end, i’m not even sure what the end is.  bi-phobia, phobia of lgbq (etc.) people dating straight people, fear of losing community, fear in general is rampant in our communities (some more than others).  and, while i have few answers or solutions, i think what it comes down to from my femme perspective is this: femmes are constantly fighting against being defined, valued, recognized, honored or ignored based on who they are with. i would think, because of that, femmes should be able to recognize that of the many femme identities and possibilities that exist, none of us should be making rigid definitions based on who we date.  ideally, we should be honoring femme identities, and trying to understand rather than judge from fear.

after all, maybe you’ll never date a straight man, or maybe you’ll fall in love with one tomorrow.  maybe you’ll wake up one day and realise your partner has become one, maybe you’ll wake up one day and realise you’ve become one.  maybe you date straight women who refuse to be out about your relationship, maybe you’ve only ever dated lesbian nation, lambda-earring-wearing, separatist-community-living, womyn-lovin-womyn.  you still get to define your own identity, you still decide what femme means to you, how you live it and how you love it.  and no relationship can take that away, or change you just out of the capricious behavior of relationships.

femme, to me, has always meant freedom.  and that means free to have your femme identity recognized, honored and upheld, even if you reinvent it every day.  femme is who we are, completely ourselves, and nothing less.

Other posts by Radium

• staying true in self defense (or, the ultimate femme fatale) - July 25th, 2010
• words, words, words - April 15th, 2009
• femme vs. bug - February 1st, 2009
• On the Street of Shamelessness - January 20th, 2009

Tags: bisexual, femme identity, queer