They didn’t even know

The other day I was leaving my usual teahouse after visiting with an old friend from my first high school. A couple of ladies struck up a conversation with me about the baby blanket I had been knitting. I explained that it was a gift to a young man whom I had originally met when we were both “camp counselors” for youth group missionary trips with my former missions organization. He is now a very well respect leader at the base where he lives in Barbados. His family is very young, they are only just now having their first child, a son. As I was telling the younger woman about some of the events and workshops that my teahouse hosts, she asked if there were any “religious” slant to any of them. Assuming that she feels the same way I do about the danger of religious fundamentalism of any sort, I assured her that the workshops were simply informational. “Because, you know, it’s not good to fill your mind with such things,” she said. Instantly, I realized my mistake and I remembered all the things that my mother taught me as a child about the dangers of allowing yourself to become aware of other people’s cultures or religions. Mom taught me that it poisons the mind. Perhaps that is true for some Christians. Perhaps they can only be pure when they are unaware. The funny thing is that my “missionary training” actually made me more open to other cultures. It made me see that God, the great spirit that unites us all, can be found in many forms and many venues. I found that all truth is true, regardless of its origin.

But I’m frustrated by my reaction. She asked if I went to church, and I fumbled for the words to say… “uhm… I’m uh… I’m sort of in between churches right now.” And I’ll probably be like that for awhile the way things go.

I’m frustrated that I did not suggest to them that I sometimes go to the MCC (which I do). I’m frustrated that I didn’t say, well actually I am differently spiritual, now that I came out as a lesbian and left my mission work to others who will do it with much more passion than I can do anymore. I’m angry that I didn’t say, “I’m gay, now whatcha gonna do about that?” But sometimes much more care and tenderness is required in gently opening the minds of people who are unaware of the beautiful diversity that exists in the world. I wanted to be the one to tell her that she doesn’t have to be afraid of the unknown. But it wasn’t my time.

She didn’t even know she was speaking to a queer. I feel like that’s a problem, yet I don’t know that I would ever have had a connection with her if she knew…femme invisibility.

Other posts by missavarice

• Femme in the Kitchen #2: Sugar - August 31st, 2010
• My Femme Role Models - August 22nd, 2010
• Femme Community: Scattered - July 21st, 2010
• Femme in the Kitchen #1 - July 7th, 2010
• I Was Femme All Along - June 21st, 2010