my complicated & ultimately positive review of ‘The Nearest Exit May Be Behind You’

I had intended to write a quick and sexy blog post about having gone to the NYC book release for S. Bear Bergman’s newest book “the Nearest Exit May Be Behind You” instead this blog has taken the past couple of days to complete. I was excited about the event, really excited, even though it was in Williamsberg which despite being in the same borough as my Crown Heights apartment is not that easy to get too * ahh Brooklyn * Part of the excitement was that this was the first event my partner and I had been able to attend in 2+ weeks since we came down with the dreaded h1n1 (aka swine flu).  I was excited to be out, and feeling better, and I had a new bright red dress to wear for the occasion- which coincidentally made me look a little more like a tarty self than I would have optimally gone for at the co-op owners meeting in our building we needed to attend before heading out. but I digress- leave it to a femme to make the story all about the outfit

The reading was really good. I saw friends, I laughed, I nodded, I was hailed by stories of queer kinship, and romance, and love, and of course we bought the book.  The next morning I plopped down on the train for my 1.5 hour commute to my day job and started reading. I read all the way to work, and then at the end of the day I read all the way home. And then I got up this morning and started reading again on my way into work. I’m liking the book a lot more today than I did yesterday which is interesting and  complicated. A lot of it is to do with the grand irony of my life. Despite being someone whose life and career have been built around change—- I absolutely despise it.

Reading Bear’s first book “Butch is a Noun” made me feel treasured by a broader queer community as a femme, and for whatever reason I was expecting the same thing with this book, which really isn’t fair to anyone especially Bear. I of all people should know that gender & sexuality changes with time there are dozens of my zines collecting dust on peoples bookshelves, or in punk houses or in the Queer Zine Archive— most of which were written when I was living as a trans guy. How would I feel if someone picked up my book and pouted because my gender or sexuality had shifted since they’d read my zines???

  Needless to say, that realization has left me a lot to think about.  So far (and for honesty’s sake I’ve still got about a 1/3 to go the book has hailed me much more as a trans person than as a femme. At this point I feel like I need to clarify that I view femme as being gender transgressive as when I lived as a butch, or when I lived as a trans man. But- so far anyway, it’s brought up a lot of gendered memories that aren’t on first glance connected with femme for me.

I loved and hated the first 50 pages all at the same time, and really could not figure out how to wrap my head and heart around it. After all, this is a book (and a well written one at that) which is exploring one persons experiences with all kinds of things that I spend lots of time thinking and writing about as well. I know part of what made me uncomfortable (which admittedly is sort of fucked up on my part) is that Bear has been divorced since the last book. There is no logical reason why this impacted me so profoundly, other than favorite queer couple friends of ours just divorced, and I’ve been feeling a little bit tender in places since that happened, so that is part of what was going on for me. But mostly, I just came into the book expecting to again being hailed as a femme, and left feeling  like I got the wind knocked out of me as a tranny.

Like any good book The Nearest Exit has left me questioning a lot of things, myself, gender, sexuality, and why I of all people struggle with the thoughts of those things shifting. I’ve been quoted as saying that my gender has always been a journey and not a destination, and my uneasiness with reading Bear say that ze isn’t sure ze’s a butch anymore clearly hit a tender spot for me. What if someday I come to say I’m not femme anymore? I don’t picture that happening, but then again I didn’t think I’d stop being boi identified either. I feel more at home as a femme than I ever have, but part of that means giving myself the space to say that this is where I am for now. It’s where I plan to stay for a long time but someday my queeredfemininity could channel in a different direction, I don’t picture giving up lipstick and dresses, but it could happen, and that’s hard for me to think about because after all I don’t handle change well, but something this book has brought up for me.

one of the things that I really enjoyed in Bear’s book is the unabashed faggatry.  Sitting on the train I’ve found little smiles creeping across my face as I read a squishy passage of little faggy moments of romance because I too remember that. My partner and I were fags when we got together, not in a factory direct sort of way but very much queer/dyke/faggy trans kids.  A few months ago a  friend mentioned in passing to Kestryl that our energy as a couple had a quality to it she hadn’t been able to pinpoint for a long time, and then she realized that in addition to the butch/femme connection we’re also a little faggy— and it’s so true we’re all kinds of queer and I loved seeing some of that squishy romance on the page before me.

“The Nearest Exit May Be Behind You” wasn’t what I was expecting, but it has left me with a lot to think about and was a great read. I don’t agree with everything Bear asserts about butchness, or about gender but the vast majority of it hit the nail on the head for me. I devoured this book, finishing it on my commute home last night. I loved the honesty and humor with which the stories explore the pain and pleasure that is living life as a trans person- the fears of being sick and having to go to the hospital, the joys of being read as queer even if you don’t know what kind of queer you are being seen as, love letters, laughter, and tears.  Gender & sexuality is a journey, I know this as well as anyone, and yet even I sometimes get stuck and need a reminder, and this book gave me that. Perhaps the best way to end this review (other than to tell you to buy this book right away- which I think you all should) is with the words Bear inscribed in the copy that Kestryl and I bought  “thanks fellow travelers. Enjoy the journey”   – I’d send that same sentiment back at Bear, I’m glad that ze’s also out there doing this work, and even though the book was not exactly what I had expected, I’m really glad I read it. I keep finding that sometimes the books that turn out to be completely different than we expect are the best ones.

Other posts by Sassafras

• Femme friends are the desserts of my world - July 26th, 2010
• Sunday Morning Cartoons! - July 25th, 2010
• July Femme Prompt - July 1st, 2010
• being out & visible - June 26th, 2010
• The beauty of femme - June 13th, 2010