would the girl i was 10 years ago like the femme i am today?

Happy New Year Femme Folks!!!

It’s been quite a year for me, and I feel really blessed that I’ve been able to spend bits and pieces of it with you, and I look forward to sharing 2010 with you as well!  Of course this isn’t just any new year, here we all stand at the end of the decade, and I like many other folks have been thinking a lot about what has changed in my life over the course of the last 10 years.  In some ways the answer is simple….. EVERYTHING!

10 years ago I was a conservative high school student in Milwaukie Oregon whose life revolved around dog agility trials. I was not femme. I was trying (and failing) to be a tomboy. If you had told me 10 years ago that I would have thrown away all my pants, that I would live in NYC, and I would be queer I would never have believed you!

I’ve been a lot of people in my relatively short 25 years on this planet. I’ve been thinking a lot about the ways in which I’ve killed off former selves, the conservative, rural, quiet, shy, and nervous.  I wonder what she would think of me now. Would she forgive me?  Would she understand that her dreams were not compatible with the life I grew to want? At 15 I’d never been on a date,  I had no idea that I was queer, and I did not write. I’ve killed her, but pieces still race through my bloodstream. They run the way she ran with dogs.

I’ve come to terms with my past lives, I’ve forgiven those selves for the evils they did, or their shortcomings. I’ve forgiven myself for knowing wouldn’t be friends with them. How I’d avoid them at a party, or if they were related to me I’d send awkward cards on Christmas and their birthdays but I wouldn’t go visit…well maybe some of them, but the oldest selves? They’d be lucky if I didn’t disown them. The legacy I’ve learned best from my family of origin is that of disownment.

I have ink to commemorate them, their lives, and their losses. I took from them everything important in order to be here today. I took their dreams, their loves, and their identities. I had to. I saw no other option.  I hope that they can forgive me as I’ve forgiven them for not being what I wanted, what I needed.

I don’t think the girl I was 10 years ago would really like or understand the femme I am today. I’ve forgiven her shortcomings; I hope she can forgive me for taking her dreams.   2009 has been an incredible year for me, it’s marked a full year at my dayjob, it’s brought touring opportunities I’d never dreamed of, my partner and I bought our own apartment, there is no doubt that the year has treated me well.  Sitting here staring 2010 in the face, I’m welcoming it with open arms, and it seems fitting that new years day begins the pre-sale* on my first book: Kicked Out, an anthology of current and former homeless LGBTQ youth.

The girl I was 10 years ago still lived with her mother, she had yet to kick her stepfather out of the home. She’d never told anyone that her mother drank, or that she was abused. The girl I was 10 years ago didn’t have the words to talk about what she’d seen; she didn’t even know that other people dared say those words out loud. The girl I was 10 years ago did not write. Even then she knew that writing was dangerous. Even though the girl I was 10 years ago might not understand the femme I am today, if she could see me now, could see that I got away, that I told, if she read the words I’ve dedicated my life to writing, if she saw this book, and heard the chorus of others telling their/hers/mine/our stories, I think she’d be proud.

*If you are interested in ordering a copy of Kicked Out, the pre-sale opened today. You can find more info about it at http://homofactuspress.com/books/kicked_out/. Their running a really great buy one- get one free promotion right now where if you buy kicked out you’ll get any other of their titles (including The Femmethology!) for FREE!!!!

Other posts by Sassafras

• September Femme Writing Prompt! - September 1st, 2010
• Rebel girl, Rebel girl, Rebel girl you are the inspiration to my femme gender - August 25th, 2010
• Trust Your Love... - August 18th, 2010
• August Femmes Guide Prompt - August 4th, 2010
• Femmepop ! - July 31st, 2010