hey lgg,

as an organizer with a group that was founded for the express purpose of making queer femme-friendly spaces, i would suggest that you begin to organize your own events and intentionally create your own community. i personally know very few queer femmes who want to date other queer femmes, but our group is inclusive of all femmes and has been known to hold discussion groups around what our identities and sexualities mean to us.

this is something that could be organized through your local lgbt community center, or social action outreach committee at a local progressive church/synagogue/college/university, or you could organize it through an online dating community such as craigslist. it might sound preposterous, but it can actually work.

feel free to contact me through my blog if you’d like to talk more about finding community and organizing groups, and in the mean time best of luck!

Thank you so much for responding to my questions. I will definitely try to use these tips that you have given me. I have taken a lot of steps to finding more femmes in my community, some have worked greater than others. I have become friends with many lesbians at my college, and they have been a very great support group, but majority of them are butch, stud or femmes that are into butch females (even though they say they don’t discriminate… wink wink…but I think they do). I have even gone to 1 of the only 2 gay bars within the city a couple of times and have had basically no luck at all there. I have even went to the PRIDE Festival, no luck there either. (trust me…I’m not ugly if that’s what anyone is thinking… lol. It’s almost as if the lesbian community is hiding and I feel like I am on an easter egg hunt trying to find them. I often keep my eyes open, but when I think I have found a femme that is interested in me, I really don’t know what to say or do next to confirm the interest. Which just mostly likely is a learning process. I currently am trying to get involved with a lesbian group on meetgroup which seems to probably have some promise in the near future. I hope it goes well, and I will definitely update you both on the progress. Thanks for the warm words of encouragement.

Hey, LGG.
Being a rather femme-ish native of Kentucky myself, I can certainly sympathize with your hunt. Like you, I’m just not attracted to the butch women and I feel that this is a sexual orientation within a sexual orientation, in a way. Although the femmes I am into are usually slightly tomboy/dominant (think Xena, Lara Croft, or Pepa from “Los Hombres de Pacos” and that’s my ideal woman lol). But I really think it depends on the city you’re in. Like, if you go to LA there’s a huge community for the femme-lovin’-femmes as well as for the butch-lovin’-butches.

I was really impressed by Chicago’s large and diverse lesbian community. During the two trips I’ve taken there this summer (Pride Parade and Market Days), I saw many feminine-looking women holding hands with other feminine-looking women. And I don’t really see “our kind” as a minority either. Truthfully, I think that femme-lovin’-femmes are becoming more and more common these days. If you’re up for moving to Chicago or Columbus, I would say that would be an excellent choice as both cities have pretty large lesbian communities. Or you could always try online dating sites like OKCupid or Match.com. There are even sites out there specifically for femme-lovin’-femmes.

Don’t get discouraged! And I’ll be here to support you all the way. My email address is wunderkind26@gmail.com if you want to talk. <3

So much to say on this topic! I was brought up as a boy, but my first girlfriend was a femme. I was lucky enough to keep meeting and dating amazing queer femme women who were interested in me, so femmes make up the bulk of my dating history both pre- and post-transition.

I’ve dated femmes as a boy and as a woman and as a femme, and my experience has been that there aren’t as many differences as you might think. Simply make your interest known in a way that’s direct and respectful and see where things go from there.

I have to disagree that it’s harder for femmes to get noticed by other femmes than by butches. Getting noticed isn’t the issue, you’re sexy and noticeable already. The real trick is communicating that you’re interested in other femmes sexually and romantically as well as socially. What butches and boys have working in their favor is the floating assumption that butches and boys in general like femmes, and if someone doesn’t they are an exception.

We usually don’t get the luxury of that assumption. But on the other hand, it’s really very good for us to practice being direct and asking for what we want.

I’ve also found that it’s not actually very hard to find femmes who date other femmes, or at least not much harder than finding anyone else. The trick is to keep your eyes open and let it be known that you think femmes are sexy. Actively putting out that signal will pave the way before you. On the other hand, if you’re shy or scared of what other femmes will think of your desires, you’ll trip over your own feet and make dating harder than anyone else ever could by saying “no.”