Via Facebook

FROM: Paul Theobald, London, England

MESSAGE: really cracking looking lady!!!! be lucky!

I’ll note that when this email was sent, my user picture on Facebook was the following:

FROM: Bevin Branlandingham, Jersey City, NJ

SUBJECT: Re: No Subject

MESSAGE: Dear Mr. Theobald:

Or may I call you Paul? I am unsure how to navigate the social proprieties within the social networking spheres on the internet. Do you know, Paul? Please let me know if using your first name upon our first conversation is offensive.

I received your message and am unsure of your intent. What does “cracking” mean in this context? You see, I understand “cracking” in the sense of the verb. Perhaps when one is “cracking” their knuckles or “cracking” their gum as my mom used to say. I daresay I do not wish to be compared to knuckles, as they are sort of an unsightly body part as far as body parts go. Maybe gum, though, especially if it was that new “5″ gum by Wrigley’s. Do you have “5″ in the UK? I like the names of the flavors, “Flare” is my favorite.

I looked up “cracking” in the urban dictionary, wondering if it perhaps was a slang term I’m not familiar with.

The first entry certainly can’t be right.

“A term used by a low quality or mental radio DJ to describe items or fill space.

As used in a sentence: That was a cracking track from Peter Andre and there’s more where that came from on our cracking show. So stay tuned!”

As the second entry also doesn’t make sense in this context either.

“Removing copyright protection from copyrighted software. Commonly used to obtain software without paying for it. Cracking is not by inserting a false or used serial number, but to insert other documents and files into the actual program to make it seem like it was registered by a paying customer, when it actually wasn’t.

As used in a sentence: My friend downloaded Microsoft Word, and is cracking it right now.”

However, the third entry might be right, since it indicates your use of “cracking” might be a compliment.

“Something sensational, excellent or cool.
Part of ‘what’s cracking’.
As used in a sentence: That was a cracking pool shot!”

Since I am prone to seeking out and absorbing compliments, I will assume you meant that I am sensational, excellent or cool. And thank you for the accolade!

Congratulations on your engagement! If your fiance needs any chocolate brown and light blue polka dot organza bags for favors, I’ve got a bunch leftover from my defunct wedding.

Best of luck unto you as well!

Sincerely,

Bevin

FROM: Paul Theobald, London, England

MESSAGE: Wow!!! what a reply!!! and sorry !!yes cracking does mean!! how shall i put it!!! stunning!!!!!!!!! really super looking lady!!! and surprised no guy has snapped her up yet? Take care Paul xx

Then I changed my userpic as follows for a bit. This is my first published Paparazzi shot, taken by NY Magazine at the Catherine Opie opening at the Guggenheim. My friend Muse managed to buy digital images from the photographer. She’s such a good supporter of the arts.

FROM: Paul Theobald, London, England

wow!!! u really are a stunner!!!! and stunner in good looking!!!! and no not all us guys look at boobs!!!!! some look at the girls face!!!! nice eyes and lovely smile!!!! be lucky!

FROM: Bevin Branlandingham, Jersey City, NJ

SUBJECT: Re: No Subject

MESSAGE: Dear Paul:

Thank you for the next round of compliments! I do appreciate that you find I have more assets than just my killer rack, though I will admit that as a lesbian, having a nice cleavage to look at really helps during the lonely times.

I have recently changed my user photo again so that you can see my lovely smile, since both of the previous pictures were really more of a smirk.

I have been thinking a lot about your question, wondering why a guy hasn’t snapped me up yet. It’s not necessarily that I am keeping myself off the market or anything, I do go on my fair share of dates. But having been through 5 years of functional monogamy with 2 back to back relationships and the bonus of a pathological liar scoundrel rebound, I’m a little skittish to jump into just anything.

I recently published a podcast about the Lesbian Footwarming Syndrome. This is the tendency of women to say “You’re a lesbian, I’m a lesbian, let’s keep each others’ feet warm.” With no further considerations for happiness, sustainability or compatibility. I delve in a little deeper to this in the episode, beyond just lesbianism. Especially when you add being fat, kinky, transgendered, dis/abled, a person of color or a myriad of additional identities, sometimes people fall into a scarcity mentality with dating.

The scarcity mentality is believing that there isn’t enough to go around. The fear that maybe there really isn’t someone out there that can love you for all you are AND be compatible with you. It manifests by settling for someone that isn’t right just to have someone or staying in a relationship that isn’t working anymore because the alternative of staying alone is terrifying. This is something sold to us with the dominant paradigm of couplehood in this society.

Paul, I don’t know what it’s like in the UK, but in the States it is definitely considered ideal for people to find a forever monogamous partnership and it is really devaluing to those of us who are critically engaged in our relationship status. Some queer femmes don’t do the monogamy thing, some choose alternative family structures and some just haven’t met the right person yet. I don’t want to “settle” for anyone and I certainly want to be treated well.

I was engaged once, he ended things but after the break-up I’ve been privy to so many behaviors that made me extremely thankful I never had children with him and “Omigod you dodged a bullets” that I feel really secure that no one having “snatched me up yet” is cool. So I suppose I could partner with whoever might show interest, but I am really waiting for the killer combo of chemistry, personality, looks and timing that I am positive will come my way. Until then my Shih Tzu, Macy, is doing a great job keeping my feet warm.

Further to that, recently in the States there has been an onslaught of gay hating voter initiatives banning same sex marriage. At one of the protests I donned this sign, because even though I don’t intend to get married eleven times or however many times Liz Taylor did, I still think I deserve the right to do so. Maybe just once a decade; hopefully to the right person again and again.

So here’s hoping I’m lucky and you are lucky, too, Paul. Squeeze on your fiance tonight and tell her how happy you are to have found one another, love is rare and beautiful. I’ve just found a bunch of fake flowers and straw hats my mom was going to put together for my shower. If you’re planning a garden wedding I’d be happy to send them off to you!

Cheers!!

Sincerely,

Bevin

Last 5 posts by Bevin

• Survival Skills - January 5th, 2009
• Fat High Femme Hikes - October 27th, 2008
• Highlights from the 2008 NOLOSE Conference - September 30th, 2008
• How to Have a Gorgeous Beach Body - September 22nd, 2008