Now stop. Did you define YOUR femme-ness, what femme-ness looks like to you, and how you embody it? Or perhaps what femme looks like or is in those femmes that you happen to be attract to? Or did you happen to come up with a definition that embodies all Femme?

If you chose the latter, please tell me, because I’m having a hell of a time.

I feel a bit like Justice Stewart, when he spoke of obscenity and said “I know it when I see it.” But it’s true. Femme is just one of those terms that happens to be incredibly hard to pin down, incredibly hard to define, and I’ve been trying for years.

I hate when people define Femme and include clothing as part of it; lipstick, heels and pencil skirts do not a Femme make. Can a Femme WEAR lipstick, heels and a pencil skirt? But of course. But is it a requirement for the definition? Certainly not.

Then I got in the habit of defining it by attitude, by Femmitude if you will. There is just a certain fiesty-ness, a certain sass that Femmes possess. We give it out when we feel invisible, showing people that we have our own identity and please stop grouping me in with the other straight girls/women here, thank you very much. We have it in how we interact with our love interests, our partners, our lovers.

But how do you define that attitude? And what about people full of that sass and attitude and vitality that aren’t Femme/femme-identified? How can attitude be the only definition of an entire identity.

Femme is so many things, and one of the best parts is that it is so many different things for so many different people. I find myself re-examining my own Femme identity all the time, and I’ve identifed as such for a good few years. I’ve identified as being part of a Butch/Femme dynamic, and as a Femme on my own, and as a Feisty Femme and a Kinky Femme, and an Invisible Femme, and a Disabled Femme and so much more. And if I can barely figure out and pin down my own identity, barely figure out out what Femme means to me, and define it for myself, how the heck could anyone ever try to define it as a whole, for all the Femme-identified people out there?

So you – yes you. How do YOU define Femme? For yourself, and for others. How do you definie it as an identity? What makes a Femme a Femme….or is it just the magic pixie dust covering all of us?

-Essin’ Em

***I’ve already written a lot about finding my Femme identity and coming out as a Femme in various settings, so I’ve chosen to write about the struggles I have with the definitions of my own identities on a regular basis***

February 19th at 7pm, Hysteria brings you Shanna Katz aka Essin’ Em. Shanna will be presenting Basics of Poly and Relationship Mapping workshop. This workshop is primarily a lecture and discussion on the ideas of polyamory, open-relationships, non-monogamous relationships, etc. In addition to talking about what poly is (and what it can and does mean to different people), we’ll go over the basic types of relationships that people have (primary, secondary and tertiary) in their lives, how we can map them, patterns to look for, and what we can get out of these maps. We’ll also discuss communication and negotiation with your partners, mediation, and what to do when one or more of you is feeling hurt. Come open minded, and prepared examine your own relationship(s). Workshop is $10.

To register, call (303) 733-3373.

Or show up on the 19th to:

Hysteria

www.hysteriashop.com

114 S. Broadway Denver, CO 80209

Shanna Katz (aka Essin-Em) is a kinky, queer, non-monogamous, feminist, politically active, sex-educator Femme, with a bit of twisted sense of humor. Her sexuality blog “Sexuality Happens” can be found at www.Essin-Em.com. She spends her time pondering sex, sexuality, the gender spectrum, non-traditional relationships, sex toys, erotic writing, queer sexuality, new definitions of feminism and more.

She has a Master’s in Human Sexuality Education, and does work both online and face-to-face, educating people in a variety of ways about a variety of subjects. She has done trainings, workshops and written curricula for numerous universities including SUNY-Purchase, Colorado College and Princeton University, and has presented at the Planned Parenthood Association of Bucks Country (Doylestown, PA), Passional Toys (Philadelphia, PA), Femina Potens (San Francisco, CA) and S.E.X. PhD (Denver, CO). In her free time, she’s a mother to her kitties Kinsey and Kali, and is a roller derby referee for the Denver Rollers Dolls. For more information on Shanna, go to ShannaKatz.com.

By now, most of you have read about, or at least heard about my concept of the Femme Spiral, mostly written about here.

It is visibility. It is validation. It is physical proof of belong to such a strong and powerful group of women, queers, dykes, and more.

It’s bigger than I had planned on, but I’m glad. My first tattoo (the moon, stars and tear drop on my left shoulder) is the one tattoo I wish I’d done bigger…but I have no regrets on the others. I don’t want any of them smaller. My mother took one look at it and said “I thought you said you could cover it with a large watch!” That had been the plan…but the artist drew in onto my wrist freehand, and as it wound into this, it was perfect.

Like my other tattoos, people let their own ideas, experiences, and more color what they see. My first inital starts with an S (which is funny when people call me Ess’), and some have asked me if that’s what it is. Others have asked me if it’s a crest of sorts. I keep waiting for someone to ask if I have a wrought iron fetish, as the curves in this are similar to the wrought iron at the base of my people embracing on my back.

It’s not any of those. It’s a mark that I am Femme.

Now, granted, as many people have pointed out, it’s not going to work as intended (to be a slightly secret “ps, I’m a queer Femme” sign) unless other people get it, and unless people learn about it, and know about it. I have explained it to countless people, and at least in Denver, so few queer, lesbian, etc people even know about the blue stars, so this spiral may take a bit. That’s ok. Movements start somewhere…and while infinitely small to me, this IS a movement.

Some people tattoo latin quotes on them, things they live by. Others tattoo important dates. Clubs, gangs, matching tattoos between friends and lovers, etc. I’ve seen more astrological signs than I can count. I know absolutely shit about astrological signs (other than that I am apparently not supposed to be with Aries…and that I’ve dated two of them)…so getting a Sagitarrius symbol on my body would be silly. I don’t really identify with that. But I DO identify with Femme. This is who I am. While I didn’t always know the term for it, I have always been a Femme, despite not always in the stereotypical definition of what that means.

So behold my newest tattoo, my Femme Spiral. You know, maybe no one else will ever get one…and that’s ok too. I do this for me, for my identify. Because just as I am connected with my father every time someone asks me about the flying pig on my back, and I am able to tell them about what a wonderful person my father was, now every time someone asks me about the spiral on my wrist, I will be able to tell them about me, my identity, and who I am.

And that, my dear readers, is all.

Essin’ Em

If you listened to my interview with Trouble (creator, owner and photographer for NoFauxxx.com) on RadioDentata (you can go directly to my player here), you already know what I’m about to say.

If you missed it, you can listen to it tonight at 9pm EST (6pm PST), or again at 3am EST (Midnight PST). She has lots of great things to say about the concepts of queer, of feminism, of sex-positivism, and so much more.

But one of the most exciting things she said? She’s going to give away a three-month membership to NoFauxxx.com. THREE MONTHS. That includes all the photo sets and videos on the site. And because I just shot with them while I was in San Francisco, it means you get to see really cute pictures of me naked in a kitchen…and masturbating on the stove!

How do you enter? Comment here, or on my podcast, or shoot me an email at essinem at gmail dot com. Trouble and I want to know what queer means to YOU. You can write it out, you can send a video, a picture, etc. Please know that if you submit, your definition of queer may be posted here, read on my show, etc.

I need a name (doesn’t have to be your real one for the submission), and an email where I can contact you. You’ll need to be willing to give Trouble all your info, should you win.

THREE MONTHS OF HOT, NAKED, QUEER and ALTERNATIVE people. Does it get much better than that?

So comment, email, what have you. Because we want to get lots of responses, you have until February 28th to enter. A whole month. Tell your friends, tell your family, tell your partner(s). My set goes up around the 14th, so if you win, you’ll definitely get to see me naked (and if you don’t want to wait, or if you don’t win, you can always sign up for affordable memberships as well!)

Ready. Set. Go. We can’t wait to see what you have to say about what queer is to YOU.

And make sure you check out my show tonight, if you haven’t heard her interview already!

-Essin’ Em

I get sent a lot of sex toys to review. But as much as I love sex toys, I also love reading. I like reading erotica, I like reading sex writing, and I like reading educational books. SexToy.com understands my love and need for words on paper, and was kind enough to send me Two Knotty Boys — Showing You the Ropes, another book for my collection on rope bondage.

I recently review Midori’s book, the Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage, and I was excited to get another book on rope bondage for a different viewpoint, and new ideas.

The intro to this book wasn’t very long, but it has the important bits. A mini-background on rope bondage, a well written list of “Dos and Don’ts” that I found easy to read and comprehend, and a few pages on the types of rope. I liked this section, as I don’t know much about rope, and it gave an easy overview of the different materials (including their uses, pros, cons, etc), the best ways to clean and cut different types of rope, etc.

Next off, we have the rope itself. I really appreciate the step by step pictures. While I’m very good at visualizing things, it was awesome to have a guide to go along with the words, to make sure I was doing the right thing, and was on the right path. I also was excited to learn chain braiding, ideal for rope storage.

The rest of the book was divided into sections; the Knots (decorative and functional), Basic Bondage, Decorative Bondage (my favorite part– there are some really interesting and really pretty ties in this section!), Dominance Bondage, and Sex Bondage. Each section has about seven or eight different ties, and shows you step by step, with both instructions and pictures, exactly how to accomplish that particular tie. Also, each tie tells you a little bit about how it should be used, whether it is ok for newbies or should be saved for seasoned (and/or bratty) rope veterans, what length of rope is needed, and what diameter of rope should be used.

Behind all of the ties is a reference section and a glossary, which really is a must for any type of kink or sexuality book, in my not so humble opinion.

I really like how the ties are laid out. It’s easy to read, and to understand, and if I happened to need to keep a copy of it by my bed to check in as I did the ties, it’s super simple to follow, even with a squirming partner right next to you.

I’m not the biggest fan of rope bondage…at times, it is beautiful, but to me, it is also very time consuming, and I tend to lose circulation very quickly, so for me it seems like not a lot of result for so much time and effort. However, after reading this book, I really want to learn more of these decorative knots and rope wear, as I think they are absolutely beautiful, and completely worth it. I’d give this book 5 stars out of 5.

You can never have too many books! If you want your own copy of this incredibly detailed, amusing, and helpful book, you can get it here.

-Essin’ Em

This Friday January 16th at 7pm Femina Potens brings you Shanna Katz aka Essin’ Em. Essin’ Em will be presenting Basics of Poly and Relationship Mapping workshop.
This workshop is primarily a lecture and discussion on the ideas of polyamory, open-relationships, non-monogamous relationships, etc. In addition to talking about what poly is (and what it can and does mean to different people), we’ll go over the basic types of relationships that people have (primary, secondary and tertiary) in their lives, how we can map them, patterns to look for, and what we can get out of these maps. We’ll also discuss communication and negotiation with your partners, mediation, and what to do when one or more of you is feeling hurt. Come open minded, and prepared examine your own relationship(s).

Workshop is $10 – $15 sliding scale, no one turned away for lack of funds.

Shanna Katz (aka Essin-Em) is a kinky, queer, non-monogamous, feminist, politically active, sex-educator Femme, with a bit of twisted sense of humor. Her sexuality blog “Sexuality Happens” can be found at www.Essin-Em.com. She spends her time pondering sex, sexuality, the gender spectrum, non-traditional relationships, sex toys, erotic writing, queer sexuality, new definitions of feminism and more.

She has a Master’s in Human Sexuality Education, and does work both online and face-to-face, educating people in a variety of ways about a variety of subjects. She has done trainings, workshops and written curricula for numerous universities including SUNY-Purchase, Colorado College and Princeton University, and has presented at the Planned Parenthood Association of Bucks Country (Doylestown, PA), Passional Toys (Philadelphia, PA), Hysteria Boutique (Denver, CO) and S.E.X. PhD (Denver, CO). In her free time, she’s a mother to her kitty Kinsey, and is a roller derby referee for the Denver Rollers Dolls. For more information on Shanna, go to www.ShannaKatz.com.

Femina Potens is located at 2199 Market St. @ Sanchez. SF,CA 94114. www.feminapotens.org.

Reserve your tickets early at Brown Paper Tickets.

So I had this new super part time job doing promotional marketing. Like 3-5 hours a week. Of course, now that we’re in the economy crisis, they’ve cut out their street team, but that’s beside the point.

On the first day working in the field (and by “in the field,” I mean taking pictures and giving away swag at a local dive bar), I was partnered with a gay guy. Haha. Funny. Put the two queers in a punk rock filled dive bar (actually, it was a bar I love – Friday nights they spin nothing but 80s!) trying to give away, via raffle, a bunch of snowboarding stuff. I think we had like 5 people enter. Regardless, we were joking about how funny it was that the only two out people on the promotional team were put together on an assignment…and not one at a gay club at that.

My boss stopped by to see how things were going, and I pointed this out to her. She looked at me.

“Really? You’re a lesbian (I decided not to explain the whole ‘No, I’m QUEER’ thing to her at this point in time)? I would never have guessed. I mean, you don’t LOOK gay.”

I turned to my gay partner. “Really? I mean, you knew, right?”

He looked me up and down. “I mean, not really. She’s right. You don’t really LOOK gay.”

I sighed.

It’s not the first time I’ve heard this. Or second. Or even hundredth time that someone has said something like this to me. Apparently, I missed the memo on what gay/queer people are SUPPOSED to look like.

Last month, I was on a rooftop bar (yes, Denver has rooftop bars open, even in the snow. We’re hardcore) celebrating a friend’s birthday. I met a group of queer women, and gravitated towards them. One was talking about how frustrating it was that no one read her as a lesbian. I told her that I had (obviously), and then another girl in the group turned towards me.

“You’re a lesbian? I mean, you don’t really look it. If I saw you in a bar, I’d definitely think straight girl with alternative style.”

Gah. Damn it. What the fuck is “lesbian style??” I am not double popping my collars, getting an asymmetrical hair cut, tattoos on my arms, etc. I don’t wear button downs, ties and fedoras out. I was not born of the jean skirt and boots revolution. I like Butch style…when the person about to kiss/fuck/chat with me is wearing it, but not on me. Why the hell should I have to change my style in order for me to “look gay??”

Fuck that.

I am a Femme that rarely wears lipstick or heels. I wear what I want to wear, what I feel comfortable and hot in, what fits me and my personality. I will not cave. I may not “look gay” to apparently either gay or straight people, but I am comfortable in both my style and my sexuality, and see no reason to change for others.

Every now and then, I begin to get fed up. I begin to wonder if I should. And then I am reassured. Last Spring, I was panicking about this, and Sinclair told me that any Butch would obviously know I was a feisty Femme. In my recent panic, I was thinking about trying to fit in more. Then a cute dyke in my Strap-On 101 class and I were chatting, and I said something about color-coordinating my sex toys (which I DO do), and she looked and me and said “god, you’re SUCH a Femme!” One little sentence, and it was so nice to hear. I was seen as my identity. It didn’t matter that I was wearing pants and a button down shirt (albeit, a polka dot button down) – she saw that little Femme spark in me.

So I ask you, please don’t ever tell people things like “you don’t look gay” or “you don’t look disabled.” Unless you know a person, and are close, and are joking with them, these are things that aren’t ok. I mean, if I’m rocking my polka dot crutches, and am worried about some where we’re going, and my friend says “what? you’re handicapped? I never would have guessed,” it’s one thing. Or if my friend is wearing a giant rainbow feather boa, and I tell her that she just doesn’t look queer enough, that’s something different. But to tell someone that they don’t fit into part of their identities because of how they look? That’s just silly.

That’s all I have to say on this for now.

Adapted from a post on www.Essin-Em.com

I have a thing for vampires. Just in general. Even before Twilight was written, I was going gaga over blood suckers. I even did a ridiculous vampire shoot with Chris back in August. I like being bitten. I’m always cold…but yet I don’t wear socks, or really jackets. I rarely sleep, and am up all night. Like till 5 or 6am. Vampires rock my life.

So what, you may be asking, do vampires have to do with sex toys? Well, fetish items are toys too! And I love fetish toys. Floggers, nipple clamps and paddles – all things I enjoy and love.

But vampire gloves? FUCKING BRILLIANT.

What, you may ask, are vampire gloves? They are ordinary leather gloves that aren’t quite so ordinary. Each finger (and thumb) on both gloves are covered with a large mass of metal spikes. The palm is spike free on my pair (although there are in fact vampire gloves available that have spikes on the palms as well).

For the most part, the spikes feel wonderful, but are fairly innocuous. They leave little scratch marks, but don’t really draw blood. However, my left hand glove has some spikes that are a little sharper, or set a little off – something. And daaaaamn. They can HURT. As in draw blood. And leave lots o’ scratch marks/small cuts for a few days.

The first time I played with them, it was last month with F. I was running them up and down her as she shuddered. Later, in the middle of watching Lesbian Life: Real Sex San Francisco, F and I wound up getting into a spanking scene. I was reddening her ass, and then would slooooowly dragged my spiked gloves over her red ass cheeks, feel her body climax into me over and over and over again. I actually like not having spikes on the palms, because then you can spank and smack with the palms, without having to take off the gloves in between.

Next, I brought them to a play party. I didn’t have anything in mind, but then my cute friend who happens to be a Domme wanted to play with me (she has a thing about Hitachi Magic Wands, and I just so happened to have brought one with me). As she rummaged through my bag, she found the vampire gloves, and was completely entranced by them. They felt amazing as she ran them up and down my body. My arms, my back, my breasts, my thighs. I was already flying high, just from feeling the cold spikes against my skin.

However- the left glove scratched up the inside of my leg pretty bad, and I still have some cuts around my nipples from it. So if you’re not into blood play, don’t let a Domme (or Dom or top) grab hold of your gloves without making sure they are not as sharp anymore.

These are probably one of my favorite new toys…and I have a fuck ton of toys, so that’s saying a lot. In fact, I think everyone, even people who are not super into fetishy things, should have their very own set of vampire gloves. Freaking amazing!

-Essin’ Em

If you were to visit me, you would notice a preponderance of candles in my house. On the dining room tables, the kitchen counter, the top of the fridge, in my bedroom, on the bookshelves (ok, not a wise sounding idea, but those are ones that aren’t going to get lit for a while). It’s one of my most stereotypical Femme/feminine traits; I LOVE candles. Especially good smelling ones.

Well, luckily, Babeland was kind enough to give me an Afterglow Candle (by Jimmy Jane) to review.

In the little box that arrived, I got the candle (which is a really good sized candle), a GIANT box of matches (score!) and a little brush. When you light the candle, and it melts, it turns into massage oil, which feels phenomenal when poured warm onto the skin.

Brush wise, I have to say I didn’t get it. I’m not sure why you’re supposed to use a brush to put oil/wax onto the skin. It just didn’t work for me. However, it is my cat’s (Kinsey) absolute new favorite toy – even more loved then his decimated peacock feather. So it certainly has it’s uses.

I got the Figleaf scent…and it was AMAZING. I lit it, and immediately, a soft but delicious smell started to fill the room. It was a little flowery, but not too much so…and it wasn’t super strong, which can ruin a moment. No no – it was ideal. And mmmm.

We let the candle burn as we played, and then she poured some of the wax/oil onto my back. As she rubbed it in, the tension left me completely. It started, after 10-15 minutes to absorb into my skin, leaving my skin soft and smelling delightful. A small amount was dropped on my nightstand, but it later hardened back into wax, and was easy to get off with a finger nail.

I love this candle. So far, it’s my favorite massage oil candle, and it’s also a great into for people who want to try wax play, but don’t want to start with “real” wax. It has a very low burning temp, making it great for anyone! Five stars, out of five!

For your very own warm, loving and caring (hey, I can anthropomorphize a candle, right?) Afterglow Candle, just click here!

-Essin’ Em