Correct me if I’m wrong. I have compiled some of the ways that femme queers femininity for my Queer Theory term paper. I’m trying to think of some personal experiences that contributed to my development of a femme identity… Here are some of my answers to the question, “How does Femme Queer Femininity?”Femme is for Everybody: Answering the question, “How does femme queer femininity?”
Point 1: Femme queers femininity by expanding eligibility, making femininity an inclusive label, rather than an exclusive one.
Traditional femininity has been so strictly policed by society that only a choice few people have been given access to the character trait, “feminine.” People who are not female, people who are overweight, people who have unusual characteristics (like shortness) and dominant, aggressive women have been largely ineligible the traditional label of femininity. Femme, however, is for all people, regardless of sex, physical characteristics or personality styles. In my own life, specifically post-puberty, I had a hard time earning the label of femininity because of my shortness, my larger than average body size, and my general disinterest in boys.
Point 2: Femme queers femininity by involving participants in making and breaking rules of appearance, rather than abiding by previously established rules.
As with queerness, femmeness can be defined by its resistance to definitions. Feminine women have very strict rules defined by the times in which they live. Whether they choose to live by them is another story, but they may compromise their access to the label “feminine” (and the associated privileges) if they do not live by the rules. Femme (as a queer identity) encourages rule breaking! Femininity is mostly defined by the rules that society has provided for it, while femme is characterized by the people who call themselves by that name. If someone says they are a femme, then that is what a femme looks like, but this is not the case with mainstream femininity. Conversely, just because a person calls themselves feminine (in the traditional sense of the word) doesn’t mean that society will agree with them. I personally like acting out femininity, but I gave up on it for many years because I could never succeed as a feminine woman. Now that I understand femme as a transgressive, queer character, as femininity with a twist, I find it as the most appropriate label for the gender that I choose to express. I’m feminine, but I’m not what society thinks I am.
Point 3: Femme queers femininity in that the femme’s audience is defined by her, rather than by the mainstream culture.
A feminine woman without queer leanings may find that her audience is all men without her consent (since non-queer femininity by definition caters to the pleasure and comfort of men). On the other hand, a queer femme lesbian can reject men’s ideals for her femininity altogether, and choose to perform her gender for herself and for her other queer companions. Drag queens may actually have a formal audience for their drag performances, or their intended audience may be fellow drag queens. There is a wealth of audience options for actors of the femme role. As far as I am concerned, my audience right now is the butch and femme culture that I became part of when I was first coming out. At other times in my life, my audience has been my peers, or it has been authority figures. But I feel the best about my gender in the context of butch and femme.
Point 4: Femme queers femininity by being intentional rather than by being the default mode of operation for female-bodied people.
Femme takes into account the performativity of gender. It is not simply resigning oneself to femininity because one is female, rather femme is an intentional performance, where the actor takes the role of femininity for herself, rather than bothering to earn the rights to it. Even queer or lgbt women may do “femininity by default” – this is not femme, even though it is a gender style performed by queer identified people. Femme is queer when it is for fun!

I intend to take account of my gender development through seven periods of my life: 1. childhood; 2. pre- and early teens; 3. freshman/sophomore; 4. junior/senior/college freshman; 5. USF through 2005; 6. Missionary School (2006); 7. Leaving missions / coming out.

Theory

I would like to address the concepts of (1) Gender Accountability (the “rules” of gender expression) and (2) Gender Performativity (as in, gender is something you do, not something you are, necessarily). You know I said above that femme is defined by its resistance to definitions, but that may not be true, now that I think about it some more. Appearances are only very loosely defined by a feminine slant, although one could say that it is almost a feminine “drag,” a caricature making fun of femininity. I actually think that personality is indeed defined by a number of character traits as follows. Femmes are (or tend to be) women who are bold, strong and independent, who do not take anyone’s bullshit, who makes a path where there is none and appreciates diversity. Femme takes an activist role, she is an agent in her own destiny and she believes in the power of love, forgiveness, compassion and the care of others after the care of herself. Femme is also defined historically and presently by an association to queer butches and butchness).

That’s all I have so far, and that’s about 2.5 pages! The stories should hopefully fill up the other 7.5. Eek!

I’ve just sat down to write the rough draft of my term paper about becoming femme. The problem here, is that I’m not really sure how I became femme. I mean, I’m sure that there are a number of factors that contributed to a femme identity, but it didn’t just hit me over the head one day. Right? It’s a process starting from birth, continuing throughout one’s Western (or otherwise) enculturation. I’m asked to write an autoethnography, where I study the effects of society upon me. So… what moments in my life created a favorable atmosphere for me to become femme? What moments in your life made you the way you are?

One of the most important things that I think actually lead to my femme gender was the fact that I grew up in conservative, interdenominational Christian churches. These organizations send a very clear message that sexuality is bad, unless it is between a man and a woman who are legally married to one another. I would venture to say that femme indicates a woman who freely expresses her sexuality. Also, within mainstream Christianity, women have very distinct roles from men’s, and femme is not one of them. Even though there are heroines in the sacred text that display femme behavior, these figures hardly come up in teaches. You’ll hear more about Mary, the virgin (asexual) mother of Jesus, than you’ll hear about Queen Esther’s predecessor as head wife, Vashti, who was banished for refusing to parade her naked body around at a party for the King’s buddies. Is Mary any more holy or laudable than Vashti?

Growing up as a girl teenager in The (white, capitalist patriarchal, heteronormative) Church, you’ll find yourself constantly reminded that your body is an instrument of sin. If your clothes are too revealing, if your pants don’t meet your shirt at your midriff, if your makeup is too flashy, you could be labelled a harlot, regardless of your good or bad intentions. As a female, it is your responsibility to protect all men from your body (isn’t this why women are blamed for rape?) by dressing appropriately, and not acting sexually. They’ve tried a number of ways to convince me that it is only out of common courtesy that we help our “brothers” to keep from sinning over our lewd, luscious, lascivious, lovely bodies but I am so far not convinced that it is my fault or responsibility. Part of my femme identity is a rebellion from this notion that I’m at fault when men have inappropriate sexual fantasies about me, or any other woman. It is absolutely inexcusable to promote this kind of hateful, oppressive belief. hmph!

Needless to say, I tried my best to suppress my femininity, and hide my curves from about age 12 to 22. But what the Church didn’t understand was that my plain, unfeminine (un-anything, really) appearance did not save me from the immature, sexually frustrated young men in my classes. In my junior year trigonometry class, the (old, white, heterosexist, patriarchal, etc.) instructor refused to move the student who would sit in front of me every day. The young man tried to talk to me all the time, distracted me from the lesson, disrupted the class, and said lewd things to and about me. This went on for most of the entire fall semester. I think I blocked it out of my mind, because it did not cross my thoughts for a long time afterward. This happened just after I left the art school that was “making” me gay, I was at a new school across town, trying to figure out how to pass as a heterosexual woman. I had all that baggage, and here comes along this 17 year old boy to make it painfully clear that straight or gay, appearing sexual or not, I was always going to be subject to the scrutiny of men.

But I became femme before I really even knew what it was. Maybe the moment that it was really solidified was last summer, sitting alone upstairs in my borrowed bedroom (I was sharing a room with a friend who was traveling abroad) surfing YouTube and I ran across the 1971 segment of “If These Walls Could Talk 2″ where Amy and Linda meet by chance at a butch-femme dive bar. Hah! I think I realized I was very much a sub/bottom when I saw their sex scene. That cocky smirk simply did me in.

Maybe it was the proliferation of butch voices in my life when I came home from the missions organization where I used to live. My very good friend Kay, and several of her friends are masculine identified females. I knew that I was somehow different from them, and I delighted in the way that we exchanged support be performing our butch and femme roles for each other. She always called me a femme, and I resisted the notion because I thought it meant being picky, prissy, whiny, and not at all resourceful or able. But somewhere down the line I realized that femme was powerful… and I just fell into the role. I delighted in playing my part because it didn’t feel like an act. When I came out (when I came back from the missions field) I remembered that femininity is not just for men. It is also for women and for myself.

So. What events in your lives lead you to a femme identity? Or a butch one? Or any other gender?

The cat children’s Christmas stockings.

Materials:
Felt Christmas Stocking - seen above, $1 at Big Lots or dollar store (or $1.50 at Wal*Mart)Make sure the stocking is not fuzzy anywhere, you’re going to be stitching it!
Embroidery Floss - Costs less than $1!! (We used green)
Embroidery Fabric - Costs $4 ish, short names can double up on one bookmark. Ours has a green border.
Embroidery Needle - Costs under $1.50
Embroidery Alphabet Pattern - Free! Number Six and seven were nice, but any will do. Just google “Cross Stitch Alphabet Pattern”.
Total Cost: about $8 for the first, $5 for each additional.

Instructions:
You know, now that I got to the instructions, I realized that I’m not sure how to instruct you in the cross stitching… You basically thread the needle, start the needle from the back and make little x’s, following the pattern! Dana did the stitching on the bookmarks and trimmed them down. After she finished, I fastened the strip of fabric to the stocking by stitching a border through both the bookmark and through the white felt (the part that is folded down). I think it looks great!  We’re going to get stockings for ourselves as well! Don’t tell - I already have something to put into hers! Teeheehee!

You could also do it with markers, you could buy felt squares, cut it into letters and sew it on with a coordinating color thread, you could do it with frilly lace, you could try a different color… any number of combinations, have fun with it! Does anyone else have any fun crafts for the holidays?

I realize that not all of us are totally into nail polish, I myself being a chronic nail polish “picker” to the point that I just don’t even bother to wear it unless something important is happening. Like a party! Since today was the very first day that we’ve had a coolish breeze down here in south-central Florida I’m inspired to bring to you some Fall nail polish colors.

O.P.I.: This fall/winter palette is “La Collection de France”, so all of the colors have some awfully punny names. My favorites out of this collection are Louvre Me, Louvre Me Not (a bright royal purple), Bastille My Heart (adeep, cheery red), and Baguette Me Not (a peachy, “cinnamon” color). (Where to buy OPI)

Orly Gems: Thinking outside the box when it comes to a Fall collection, Orly Gems goes bold with their colors! See how this lacquer-savvy gal takes the polish indoor and outdoor so you know exactly what you’re getting with each color. I disagree with her take on that pink one of the bunch - Sea of Light - she says it’s not really a fall color. I think a “deep, rosy pink” can totally be a fall color, but it really depends on how you put together the whole ensemble. (Where to Find Orly)

Rescue Beauty Lounge: RBL gives us four down-to-earth colors with a prime formula. “Plie” is a pinkish neutral that will pretty much go with anything. “Bruised” is a dusty plum, followed by a simple “Teal”. Finally, RBL creators introduce “No More War” which is somewhere in between camo green and sage green, makes a bold political statement. Here’s their description: Peace signs have never looked so chic. This olive green is the perfect color to wear when voting a peace-loving candidate into office. Check out RBL on the web, or if you’re in the Big Apple, there are 2 salons.

So this idea has been bouncing around in my head for some time now about the differences between butch and femme, and who’s the protector and who’s the protected. Butches talk so much about how they love to put their arms around a girl and it makes them feel strong, it gives them a sense that they can use their chivalry to protect and cradle her in the ways that she presents her feminine gender. Yet at the same time, femmes talk a lot about protecting and supporting and holding up the female masculinity of their butch/ftm friends and lovers by performing their femme gender in such a way that makes masculine people feel strong. So who’s really protecting whom? Given these two facts, it definitely seems like femmes and butches who purposefully associate with one another are really leaning on each other. When one gets weak, the other is there to lean harder against her counterpart to prevent her from falling down. It’s a delicate balance. Neither is stronger than the other, neither is more capable or ready to meet the world than the other. It seems to me that we face the world together, holding each other’s hand for confidence and balance.

If you’re not reading “Femme Economics” at Queercents.com, you should be.

Morea Malatt writes about offsetting the cost of a feminine appearance, and about negotating feminist values within the tools of femininity. In a recent post, she offers  up three reasons to have your shoes repaired instead of throwing them away:

1. The environment. Less shoes in the landfills.
2. Support your local economy instead of buying a replacement pair made who knows where.
3. It’s less expensive than a new pair.

Sounds good to me! Rather than purchasing expensive eye creams, she recommends getting plenty of sleep, drinking tons of water (which we should all be doing, regardless!), keeping your eyes moisturized, wearing big sunglasses and learning to love yourself. This may sound like heresy, but she has even gone so far as to suggest that butches are actually the high maintenance ones! Imagine that!

• So, at least for my household, I am barely, but technically, the lower-maintenance gender-performer when it comes to the economics of looking good. When it comes to butch-femme, looks can be deceiving. I don’t actually know any low-maintenence butches.

I’ve only recently discovered her column, but I’ll be pleased to read on for more tips on frugal femininity and environment friendly beauty.

Over the past few weeks I have slowly come to the realization that I am pretty isolated from other gender-conscious femmes. By gender-conscious, I mean queer ladies who are keen on gender theory and the purposeful, thoughtful performance of gender. I am the only one around these parts. I do interact with other femmes when I’m out in the clubs and stuff. There are several burlesque performers and go-go dancers in the area whose gender politics I have discovered. But that’s it. Most other queer ladies I know are either butch, somewhere in between, or just don’t care to define themselves (which is also totally fine by me!). As I was reading everyone’s accounts of the Femme Conference in Chicago I was totally jealous, I found myself longing to be in a crowded room and femmes and femme allies. After Sinclair invited insisted upon my presence at the next one, I vowed to myself that I participate more formally in this conversation about queer femininity. It’s for my own survival, really.

Are any of you isolated like this? My closest friends are butches, and so is my girlfriend. All of my other friends and acquaintances are straight, or bisexual living heteronormative lifestyles. It’s hard to be a soldier in an army of feminine gender warriors when there’s no one around to link arms with for the kick line, ya know? I’m totally grateful to such a very warm and welcoming brigade of femmes in this family, but I sure wish I could go out for coffee with all of you so we could get to know each other’s stories and and histories.

So how do you girls do it? How do you cultivate sisterhood with other femmes when they’re not right there next to you, in the flesh? Where do I go to find other gender-conscious femmes? What if they’re just not there, how do I come to a place of autonomy, and if so, how do I get plugged into the matrix?

I’ve sat down to write this post three or four times over the past week or so. First I was going to write about all the many uses of top coat, but then I realized that had already been done other place. Then, I was going to write about how to give a home manicure, but that’s been done, too. And then I thought, why on earth would I think I have what it takes to write about nail polish. My fingernails and toenails have been in a state of absolute disarray since middle school. Even after top coat utterly changed my life, I still walk around with chipped nail polish. Not even chipped, it’s the remnants of what was once a decorated nail! The toenails hold up a lot better than the fingers - I can go two weeks without painting the little ones, I just repaint, or patch the big one every weekend.

In thinking about it, though, I actually think that I like the chipped nail polish look. Unless I’m going for glamour (in which case, I nix the polish altogether - polish is a casual thing for me, what about you?) I quite frequently paint them and then wait anxiously for them to start chipping. I like how it looks on other people, but on my own, I feel so fake when I’m painted. And I surely don’t like the idea of putting fingernails with formaldehyde and acrylic in mine or someone else’s vagina. doesn’t that seem like a generally bad idea? Actually I really think that’s one of the ways that you can use to figure out whether or not someone is a queer femme - if she is totally cute and feminine, but has short, well-manicured, yet unpainted fingernails. It’s just dead follicles anyway, what’s the big deal?

I’m sure you will all have plenty of comments about polished nails since it is a feminine accoutrement - yes I know some femmes do wear polish, it is but one of the many descriptors that can tip you off to a possible Sister. Have at it!

Granted, summer is almost over for my Northern Sisters, but we Southern women still have at least a few hot months left. Here in Florida, I can remember the temperature being in the 80’s on Christmas over the past few years, with no sign of a cool (not cold. cool.) front until at least January. So, what do hot temperatures mean to a femme? Thigh chafing. Surely we can all remember that fabulous dress we had to leave in the closet on a beautiful summer day just because the heat and humidity would cause a very unsexy rash between our legs. Or, can you remember the time you misjudged the weather and wound up stuck with that self same rash later on? Yeah.

I’ll give you a couple of specific examples in case you’re not convinced that this is a major problem in the day-to-day life of your average femme.

When/where: Unseasonably warm weekend in October, NYC
Chafing blunder: old tights
How it went down: I cut off 2 lengths of some old tights and wore one on each thigh. They were tight enough, I figured they would stay on, but no. I was constantly pulling them up. In the 30 minute trek from one side of the borough to the other, I ended up with a rash so bad that I could barely go nude without hurting. The tights created warmth, which created sweat, and then they rolled up and did no good at all.

When/where: Cancun, Mexico - April
Chafing blunder: skirt with no protection at all
How it went down: It was my first outing on a six-week long trip through the Yucatan and I wore a long flowy skirt. You know that waddle that happens after your thighs are so terribly chafed that you’d rather look like a fool than feel the searing pain? That was me. Waddling back to our host home with a very keen understanding of why “bike or running shorts” were on the packing list for women.

Without further delay, a list of things that may or may not help you combat inner thigh chafing while wearing you spring, summer, autumn, or winter skirt.

Clothing
In my search for thigh-chafing prevention aids I came across a few different clothing items that prevent chafing. Really and truly, you can make do with any type of fitted tights or shorts, like Champion® Bike Shorts or Champion® Running Knee Tights. Regular cotton blend leggingsalso seem to work fine under a longer dress, or under shorter dresses when the style calls for it. For a sexier solution to the chafing problem, I found these lacy, satiny underthings called Luvees. They come in two different version - a panty version and a thigh cover. I think these thigh covers could actually be kinda sexy. One classic favorite anti-chafing tactic of mine has been to wear thigh-high hosiery - I find that I can wear the lacy hem right where chafing hurts the most.

Gels and Creams
If you’re going for a basic lubricant to avoid simple friction between your thighs, look no further than petroleum jelly or a thick lotion. If you’re going on a short outing, this will surely suffice. I’ve heard from a host of online commenters, as well as several of my own readers that simple deodorant is the best inexpesive, effective solution. Apply it to your inner thighs where chafing occurs, just like you would apply it to your underarms. Monistat has created a Chafing Relief Powder Gel, which they say, “The formula is unique: an easy-to-apply gel, it dries to form a silky, breathable barrier that calms skin while preventing the irritation caused by moisture, heat, and movement.” Athletes seem to swear by products like BodyGlide and SportShield. Sounds to me like an overpriced alternative to the deodorant idea, but it’s worth a shot.

Powders
I hesitate to include powders here, because I’ve often found that they are either absorbed by perspiration, or they rub off so easily that I need to reapply every 30 minutes. But I also know that there are many women for whom this is their primary defense tactic. Cornstarch powder is the very first thing I suggest when it comes to powders. It’s silky smooth, available for cheap at the grocery store, and does not contain talc(which has been linked to ovarian cancer). Monistat also has their own overpriced cornstarch powder, called Soothing Care Medicated Powder, a “medicated, talc-free formula contains micro-fine cornstarch and zinc oxide. Soothes painful irritations that can cause itching, without clumping.” Belle, a Southern sister who’s migrated up North suggests Lush.com’s Candy Fluff. This luscious treat does have talc and glitter in it, so please wear good sturdy panties when you use it, but who can resist a fragrance that promises to send you off to cloud nine?

Other
The weirdest thing that I encountered was from Green Eyed Girl who said, “A friend of mine sprayed Tinactin(as in tough actin’ tinactin!) on her inner thighs on her wedding day b/c she wanted to be all sexy when she took off her dress that night. She swears by it now.”

I also saw that hydration was referenced as an important chafing prevention tool. It seems like something thing we should all be doing - drinking plenty (as in, as much as you can possibly drink) of water. It keeps your skin in tip top shape and the rest of your body too. Read up on the benefits of Drinking Water.

So! Try these out and find one that works for you. We femmes shouldn’t have to limit ourselves to wearing pants and shorts in the summer time - go ahead and wear your best skirts and dresses, and do it painlessly. A pain-free, rash-free femme is a happy one, to me.