I love red lipstick. Red lipstick makes a statement. It is not unlike a killer pair of stilettos in that it perfectly highlights hyperfeminity and sexuality. I once heard that people who wear red lipstick smile more. And, while I don’t know if that is true or not, I do know that wearing red lipstick does make you more aware of yourself and your response to others.

For instance, just do a search on “wearing red lipstick” and you will find a long list of people remarking on their relationship with their red lipstick. How it impacts their days, how it changes their mindsets, and how it makes them feel about themselves. Because, you see, red lipstick is the kind of thing with which you actually have a relationship. Women claim that it makes them stand up straighter, smile more, feel sexier, cause people to be friendly, etc. etc. Some even claim to garner more attention just for the wearing of it.

And, while I do believe that red lipstick can cause others to treat you differently, because nearly anything has that power, I believe that red lipstick has the power to make you feel differently about yourself. From the moment I slather mine on in the morning I feel “dressed.” I am hyper aware of myself. No matter what I am doing I instantly feel more glamorous. There is no denying that red lipstick is dead sexy. Imagine feeling sexy while doing the laundry! Red lipstick has the power to do this!

If you wear it every day, as I do, you become known for it. And. . .People like it. Red lipstick does garner attention, and you have to be willing to weather that in order to wear it. Confidence is key. And, you know, the odd thing is, when I am wearing my red lipstick, I feel more confident already! Red lippy dresses up any outfit. A t-shirt and jeans can somehow become more when you throw red lipstick into the mix.

I’ve spent a good deal of time finding the perfect red. Not too gothic appearing (I’m really pale), not too orange, not too magenta, not too brown. A perfect red is a lifetime quest, and one I am happy to undergo. Often when I reveal my color of choice to someone asking about my lip color they will say: “But, I just can’t wear red.” And, to that I must say: “Everyone can wear red, the key is finding the right red for you!” The key is to find a red with the right undertones for your skin color. I prefer dark wine colored reds and reds with bluish undertones because they look best against my pale skin. The best tip I can give is think about what color clothing looks best on you and look for a red with that same undertone. You are bound to find something in that particular red family that will look D-Vine on you.

Red lipstick requires a lot of maintenance and a certain degree of etiquette to ensure happy wear. I don’t like to wear lip liner with my red, because I talk a lot for my work and I don’t like that rimmed look that happens as the red wears away. But, I’ve heard of a lot of red wearers who swear by a good lip pencil. Incidentally, due to the fact I wear my red lipstick off so fast, I like long-lasting lipsticks. The only rub with long-lasting lipsticks is that you tend to want to re-apply before the color has fully worn off in an attempt to re-moisturize your lips. But, when you do this, you are actually applying another layer of color, and, in long-lasting lipsticks, this actually darkens the color. So, what begins as a nice red lipstick can end up looking very vampy. If vamp is what you are going for this is perfect, but if you were attempting to achieve something else you may want to be on alert when using long-lasting lipsticks. So, when I want to re-apply a long-lasting lipstick, I rub off the remaining color before I re-apply. Oddly enough, I’m not a huge fan of the semi-permanent lipsticks. They tend to dry-out lips, they don’t layer well with other lipsticks, if you don’t’ keep on gloss the color will actually chip off in a gross manner, and isn’t it just a little creepy that they require a strong cleanser just to fully come off. Additionally, if you miss-apply, you have to get out a make-up remover just to remedy the situation. I find the only time I am a fan of semi-permanent lip color is for an event wherein I know I won’t have an opportunity to check up on my lip color

Red lipstick rubs off on stuff; it is part of its nature. Long-lasting lipsticks prevent this to some extent, but not fully. If you’re going to wear red, you really, really, really must be aware of this. If you touch your lips you run the risk of smearing red across your face. You can also rub the lippy off onto your fingers and then stain the things you touch. And, when you hug people you have to remember to gently turn your head slightly so as to not bury the lipstick into their clothing. If you have a penchant for getting lipstick on your teeth, red can be particularly noticeable. It is best to always keep a small mirror in your bag or on your person when you red wear for touch-ups and clean-ups. Another must-have is a small box of tissues for clean-up and for removal. When dining-out red lipstick can be a bit of challenge. The lipstick can leave un-classy looking stains on the sides of wine glasses and cups. And, the last thing you want to do is wipe your lips off while dabbing way a yummy bit of food and in doing so permanently stain the napkin red. I like to keep a little packet of tissues in my bag for discreetly wiping away my lipstick before I begin dining.

I’ve got a long list of favorite brands and types of red lipstick. And, I’ve found the best way to wear a red is to blend to achieve the perfect tone. Often, I’ll lay on long-lasting lipstick under a more moisturizing red for a really rich glamorous look. My long-lasting lipstick favorites are Loreal Endless Lipstick in ‘Fired Up” and Revlon ColorStay Lipcolor in “Fabulous Fig.” Both of these are great formulas that aren’t too drying and really wear very well. Usually, I will put on one on these just perfectly, and then smear on a more basic red lip color (and rather than re-apply the long-lasting lipstick, I’ll just keep smearing on more basic red lip color as the day continues). One of my favorite basic lipsticks is MaxFactor Color Perfection in #295 Sepia. I’ve been wearing this color since high school, buy it in bulk, and quite literally have a tube stashed everywhere. My other favorite basic red lipsticks are: Origins Flower Fusion in ‘Poppy,’ and Bobbi Brown Lipcolor in ‘Burnt Red.’

You will rarely see me without my red lipstick. I like the way I see myself when I wear red lipstick. I feel more glamorous, femme, ladylike, vixenish, happier, charming, and more like me through the wearing of it. Bottom line, red lipstick is just amazing.

Find the Pink or Deep Rose Gigi along with other vibrators and sex toys of every flavor on SexToy.Com.

Much thanks to SexToy.Com for letting me review the LELO Gigi!

But, I do like to have a good attitude and none of the above is really conducive with ‘good attitude.’

So, here is my “Down and Dirty, Super Cheap, Easy and Fast to Make, Holiday Office Party Gift.”

The Dammit Doll.

A Dammit Doll is basically some doll-like creation that your co-worker can bang/destroy/abuse as he/she/ze sees fit. Everyone needs to torture something sometimes? Right?

Now, the point here is to spend as little money as possible. So, repurpose materials around your house. Use an old (clean) T-shirt etc. etc. etc. Do not go out and spend money on this creation.

You will need:

-Some kind of fabric (hello white felt from the scrap pile)

-Embroidery thread (but you know, you could even just write the stuff on in marker)

-Needle (only if you are not using marker)

-Cording (ribbon, lace, rope, shoelaces etc.)

-marker

-scissors

-something to stuff the doll with (polyfil, dried beans, rice, stuffing from an old pillow)

-plastic bag for presentation (cute container etc.)

-paper (if you want to make a cute tag etc.)

Step 1

Use the template below. Copy the dammit doll shape onto your fabric with marker.

Step 2

Use whatever color thread you choose (marker color if you are writing this on) and split stitch (I did a how-to on split stitch here, but you can click on the ‘split stitch’ hyperlink for another tutorial) around the body shape

Step 3

Use another color thread (or the same one) to split stitch the face on

Step 4

I used red to satin stitch a heart on my dammit doll. But, this is totally optional. If you do not know how/do not want to satin stitch, then you could just split stitch the shape of the heart.

Step 5

Draw an oval around the dammit doll

Step 6

Cut out the dammit doll along the oval shape. Place the cut out doll on top of another piece of fabric (can be the same color or not) and cut out a second oval

Step 7

Get your ribbon/cording/shoelace

Step 8

Sew your ribbon/cording/shoelace onto one edge of the dammit doll. No one will see these stitches, so it doesn’t matter what color they are, or how nice they look. The long part of the cording should be on the front of the doll

Step 9

Pin the doll and the second piece of oval together so that the front of the doll faces inward. Make sure all of your ribbon is on the inward side as well

Step 10

Stitch around the edges of the oval. Leave a small space un-stitched so you will be able to turn your doll right-side out

Step 11

Turn your doll right-side out

Step 12

Stuff your doll

Step 13

Sew the small hole in the side of the doll shut. Yay! You have a cute, complete, super-cheap, dammit doll

Step 14

Modify this poem to suit your tastes:

Whenever things don’t go so well…
And you want to hit the wall and yell…
Here’s a little dammit doll
That you can’t do without.
Just grasp it firmly by the legs
And find a place to slam it
And as you whack the stuffing out
Yell, “DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!”

Step 15

Put the dammit doll and poem in the plastic bag (container) and maybe make a little label. I sweetly asked food service for one of those clear plastic boxes. I also added pins for a “voodoo doll ” effect.

Step 16

Done! A cute, sweet, thoughtful, and very cheap office party gift! Enjoy!

I asked my friend what the main gift was, thinking maybe the smaller gifts could relate and be thematic. She told me: “Well, she’s been needing a good coat, and she mentioned that to me, so I got her a North Face (sp?) parka.” Now, I personally, would be disappointed in a gift like that because I am not outdoorsy, and I generally don’t like anything I wear to look like I might be. . But, maybe my femme friend has specifically asked for that, so I didn’t comment. Because, you know, wanting to keep your loved one warm. . . That is actually a very thoughtful gift. Then, my butch friend went on to list the remaining items she had bought for her wife:

- cotton underwear (because as she said “she seems to need new underpants all the time.”)

- a bottle of lotion (“I saw some lotion she used to wear and I got that.”)

She continued that she was thinking about some gloves of the outdoorsy variety, but was stuck on anything else. I had to restrain the giggling. My femme bud, her wife, isn’t terribly outdoorsy, and she loves silly little nothings. I mean, was she going to get her a vacuum too? While the gifts are all items that my femme friend might need, they aren’t necessarily items that she may want as a gift. To me, holiday gift-giving is a time to get small items for people that are silly and frivolous. It is a time to get things that you ordinarily wouldn’t purchase for yourself. And, while the gifts she listed are thoughtful, I think my femme friend can keep on top of her panties all by herself, don’t you?

So, I suggested to my butch friend that maybe she could buy her some inexpensive jewelry. Her wife loves peace symbols, and since this is the 50 year anniversary of the peace symbol it is on jewelry everywhere. For a small amount of money she could buy something for her wife that she would really be excited about. I continued that if she knew of a perfume that her wife really liked she could get that. And, remembering that her wife loves Lush products, I suggested she pick up some of those but reminded her that a lot of the products have expiration dates and to double check that the item would still be good for awhile.

My butch friend liked all of these ideas, but she didn’t really seem too thrilled about any of them. And, you know, we all really do want to be excited about the things we give our loved ones. Remembering that my butch friend really knows her way around a kitchen, I suggested she make her wife some bath products. This sort of startled her, but I went on “You are a very good cook. You could easily whip up some bath salts, salt scrubs, or sugar scrubs! You could make the presentation really cutesy; your wife would love that. She would love knowing you spent the time to make something for her.” She got really excited about this, and I quickly sent her my recipes for these items.

Last night, I got a text from her detailing all the different stores she had to go to, what items she purchased, and how excited she was to make the salt scrub for her wife. She was so thrilled that she plans on making a smaller batch for their young (and absolutely adorable) daughter too. While she had originally planned on giving these items as holiday gifts, she has decided to just give them to her wife this week as a “Just Because” sweet nothing (as a side note I’ve made up a word for sweet nothing gifts called “cercees”). Her excitement made me grin. I am so glad that I was able to offer some help. And, as my butch friend said: “This is going to win me lots of wifey points!”

I think sometimes with gift-giving and thoughtfulness we have to play to our strong suits. I’m a crafty lady, so I try to always make my gifts somewhat craft oriented. That way, I know I’m going to give the most thoughtful gift I can, because it is in an area I understand. This doesn’t mean that I am going to always give someone craft supplies, or even something I made. Sometimes the crafting is only the wrapping, but nonetheless I am still playing to my strong suits. My friend was able to use her excellent cooking skills to make something super girly and something super sweet and personal for her wife.

And, doesn’t her sweetness just make your teeth ache?

So I know I promised to give the needle-book tutorial next, but I thought that everyone might appreciate these super easy to make, and inexpensive recipes. They make great gifts for co-workers, friends, and sweeties.

Basic Sugar Scrub
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
10-20 drops of your choice of essential oil (or more to suit your preference)
mix and store in a jar.

Basic Salt Scrub
1 cup Epsom salt
2/3 cup carrier oil
20 drops your choice of essential oil (peppermint is cute for the holidays, and you can present it with a candy cane)

mix and store in a jar.

Basic Bath Salts

1 cup Epsom salt

2-3 Tblsp baking powder (this is supposed to counteract the effects of the x-rays we are exposed to daily)

10-20 drops of your choice of essential oil (or more to suit your preference)

mix and present in a jar

Lavender Salt Scrub (my favorite)
1/2 cup Epsom salt
1/3 cup carrier oil
1 Tblsp dried lavender blossoms (you can get these at cost-plus world market for $1.00)
8 drops of lavender oil (or more to suit your preference)

* you can add two capsules of vitamin E to any of your scrubs for an added bit of luxe.

There are lots of carrier oils; these oils do not evaporate, and they help spread your essential oil throughout your scrub. However, the essential oil will still spread for your bath salts, just be sure to cover quickly to prevent all of the oil from evaporating and thus losing most of your aroma. I prefer grape seed oil because it is relatively inexpensive, spreads well, and doesn’t have a strong scent of its own. Usually, I stay away from nut oils, since so many people have nut allergies. Below is a list of carrier oils:

- sweet almond oil

- grape seed oil

- avocado oil

- sesame oil (very pungent so watch out!)

- primrose oil

- sunflower oil (very inexpensive at the grocery store)

- jojoba oil

- walnut oil

- peanut oil (very pungent)

- pecan oil

- coconut oil

- extra virgin olive oil (can also have a strong smell depending)

Essential oils are the oils that will carry your scent. These can vary in cost according to the oil. For instance, rose oil tends to be more expensive than lavender oil. Essential oils can also greatly vary in cost according to where they are purchased. They are usually the least expensive at a grocery store (like Whole Foods), and are more expensive at a cosmetics store. Basically, just double check to make sure the essential oil you purchase isn’t already cut with a carrier oil (because then you are buying an already diluted product, and you will be diluting the oil in the recipe), and you will be set.

Finally, finish off your product by putting it in a jar and cute-i-fying it. While I typically tend to use glass jars for homemade products, I really encourage you to find plastic. That way, your product is more bathroom and tub friendly. After all broken glass in the bathtub equals no fun at all. I found the jars I used at my local grocery store. They are the Ball canning brand. The jars are made for freezing fruits and the like. They have brightly colored lids, and the lids not only snap shut but also screw tight too. I like that when I give these as gifts I won’t have to worry about spillage. You can make cute labels by hand or by computer (I’m a hand kind of lady), and be sure to include a list of ingredients. That way, not only can you show people how amazingly non-chemical your product is, you also don’t have to worry about aggravating someone’s allergies. These don’t have to be printed on the label (like mine); you could include a little card that is tied to the jar. I covered the labels on my jars with clear contact paper to make them even more bathroom-friendly, and somewhat water resistant. However, I’m not too impressed with the contact paper, and I think next time I will probably laminate the labels before adhering them to the jars. Of course, all of this is very much up to you, and very much optional.

I strongly encourage you to decorate your jars before you add your product. Once the product is inside, it can be trickier to manipulate the jar in the way you like!

Give and Enjoy!

Okay, I adore cupcakes. If you give me a choice between cupcakes and cake, I’m going to pick cupcakes every time. They are cute, colorful, and just the perfect little mouthful of goodness. . . You know what I mean?

This craft combines one thing I love (cupcakes) along with another thing I love (recycling), to create something I can use to do yet another thing I love (sewing). The finished product is a tiny little pincushion that looks like a cupcake. So much love from such a tiny craft is an awesome thing!

You will need:

-Scissors

-Needle

-Felt (in your choice of cupcake colors, use EcoSpun felt as it is made with recycled plastics)

-Embroidery Thread (in colors that match your felt choices)

-Polyfil Stuffing

-Plastic Bottlecap

-Glue (I used Fabri-Tac, but a glue gun or E-6000 glue will work)

-Optional: buttons/felt bits/charms for your cupcake

Step 1

Make a small mark on the top of your bottlecap. Run the bottlecap down the edge of your felt to get a measurement that is the circumference of your bottlecap top.

Step 2

Cut out this strip of felt. Wrap it around your bottlecap and secure it with a touch of glue.

Step 3

Trace the bottom of your bottlecap. Cut it out.

Step 4

Attach the felt bottom to your bottlecap by running a blanket stitch (the tutorial for the blanket stitch is available in the sachet how-to) around the circumference of your bottlecap.

Step 5

Draw a circle with a 3.5” to 4” diameter on a piece of felt (this will be the top of your cupcake) and cut it out.

Step 6

Decorate the very middle of the felt circle (about 1” wide). This will be the top of your cupcake.

Step 7

Run a 1” stitch around the edges of your felt circle. Keep the needle attached.

Step 8

Pull the thread hanging off the felt circle to make a pocket. Stuff the pocket full of polyfil and pull tight. You want to pack the pocket very densely so the pincushion will be strong enough to hold pins securely.

Step 9

Pull the thread tight to close the pocket. Wrap the thread around the base of the pocket several times to and then stitch and knot a few times to keep it secure. Trim the extra bit of felt hanging off the pocket (you don’t want too much because this is the part that is going to sit down in your bottlecap). Do not cut off the extra thread!

Step 10

With the thread still attached, place the polyfil pocket into your bottlecap.

Step 11

Run a blanket stitch around the pocket to attach the polyfil pocket (the top of your cupcake) to the bottom of your cupcake. Secure with a tight knot

Step 12

Voila! You are now the proud owner of a wee little cupcake pincushion! And, FYI, a tiny pincushion with a needle book (the next how-to I plan to post), thread and tiny scissors would make a darling sewing kit as a holiday gift for the crafty-minded.

In college, I majored in art. While my primary area of concentration was painting; my paintings were actually light-box assemblages. True to my nature and my heritage, I refused to just use a regular light box, and had to build all of my own from scratch. This involved lumber, wiring, and (dear god help me) drilling. For the first time in my life, I had to visit the large big-box hardware store alone. I’m not sure exactly how it had happened that I hadn’t been to the hardware store alone until college, but I think it had something to do with not learning how to drive until I was 18.

Holy Shit. It sucked.

Off I had tramped from my art studio down to the hardware store. I had on my typical studio gear: Oversized, stained, menswear button-down, torn dirty jeans, and my work boots. I walked in proud, thinking: “I look like I belong here. I know what I’m doing. I know my way around a toolbox.” Not a single person in the store bothered to help me. I had to chase down sales people and practically beg for them to send me in the proper direction to find the type of wiring I was seeking. I had to pick up the seriously heavy, and oversized bits of lumber from the shelf and load in my cart alone while the sales people strutted past. I was shocked that no one offered me any help when I fell over in the process; I had never had this type of experience at the hardware store before. And, well, in truth, I’d never had to ask for it. I’d always gone with someone, usually my brother or my dad, and we’d been able to figure out where the stuff we wanted was together, and we’d loaded the heavy things in the cart together. I was completely flummoxed.

When I sidled up to the large electric saw these stores maintain to aid customers in hacking down large bits of lumber into vehicle manageable bits, I had to wait nearly 30 minutes before getting any help. When I did get help it was brusque and my lumber was cut incorrectly and nearly two inches off of measurement. I pointed this out the sales person who did eventually correct it but still charged me for the first two incorrect cuts. The whole endeavor made me want to jump up and down and scream: “Do it right! I know what I’m talking about! I have tools! I know how to do this stuff! I have a Craftsman Double Tier Ball Bearing Tool Box! Do it right!”

I left the store enraged because, see, I’ve always loved the hardware store. I adore the huge displays of all the small bits of things we use to construct our homes, pipe systems, fencing, and what-have-you. Seeing dozens of hammers all lined up on racks makes me grin, and playing with the drills sends me to Nirvana. Seriously, I could write Odes to my Cordless DeWalt Drill (if you don’t have – Go! Get one now!!). I couldn’t figure out why the process had been so poor, and chalked it up to it just being that particular hardware store.

But, as college continued, and my assemblages got more complex, I found my experience to be the same across the board. I came to hate going to the hardware store, and avoided it at all costs, until I learned what I know now: If you make your unearned femme privilege work for you at the hardware store it is much more pleasant.

I was at the hardware store, in my aforementioned gear waiting my turn for the electric saw. A young woman was in front of me. She was beautiful and was wearing a demure summer dress. She grinned and tossed her hair at the sales person, and he did whatever she asked. It was like watching the most helpful episode of National Geographic ever. She said things like: “Oh! I hope it is going to be perfect! I can’t wait to make this birdhouse. Thank you so much for all of your help; I just don’t know what I would have done without it.” And, let me tell you that sales person cut her wood so perfectly, so nicely, and with such a great attitude. I got excited when it came my turn because I thought he must have been a really great guy, and maybe he was, but I didn’t really see much evidence of it based on my interaction with him. He looked at me, and mumbled something about needing to check some stock, and told me he’d send another sales person to help me.

The next time I went to the hardware store I dressed the way I do for my everyday life: Heels, dress, red-lipstick, and mascara. I did it as a sort of experiment, just to see if my treatment would change. Oh boy howdy, did it ever. People fell all over themselves to aid me, my wood was cut just right, and I loved visiting the hardware store again. I felt like I’d found access to a super-secret club: The How-To-Get-What-You-Need-At-The-Hardware-Store-Super-Secret-Society.

This past weekend, I had to make a run to the hardware store. I put on my skinny jeans, my heeled boots, low cut shirt (not required, but it is how I dress) and my red-lipstick. I decided to keep count of many different sales persons asked to help me, and the total count came to fifteen. It didn’t matter where I went in the store, there was always someone there who was eager to offer their assistance. Even though I wasn’t in any specific need of lumber I decided to buy some and get it cut just for the sake of this article. A kindly grandfatherly looking sales person saw me lifting the heavy wood alone and jumped right over to help it into my cart. He escorted me over to the electric saw and offered to cut it right then. I nodded and asked if he would mind my taking a few pictures before he cut. He happily agreed and insisted on sweeping all the sawdust away so my picture would look squeaky clean. As I starting snapping pictures he said: “You smell yummy!” And, as he moved about pushing rubbish into the bin, he continued: “I mean, you smell so much sweeter than a sweaty old lumberjack like me.” Call it the femme in me, or what-have-you but I couldn’t resist batting my eyelashes, giggling and saying: “Thank-you.” My lumber was cut perfect and exact. He even carried it to the car for me.

Now, I know from my past experience in college that I am perfectly capable of demanding good service, hauling my own wood, and finding my own tools, hardware etc. But, it does make the hardware store so much nicer and more pleasant to have help. I seriously appreciate it, and it is something that I like to expect. And, all I have to do is walk in, looking the way I do, and I can get it.

When I told a butch friend that I was writing this article, and about my weekend hardware store experience she exclaimed: “Yeah! I’ve noticed that. I walk in, looking like I know what I’m doing and I won’t get a bit of help. So, I started taking my girlfriend with me, because the sales people fall all over her, and I can scoop in and claim the aid.”

I’m not claiming it to be fair, but I do know that I work the hell out of my femme identity to get what I want at the hardware store. And, um, if you are butch, and you need a spot of aid at the hardware store, ahem, you can call me anytime.

And, y’all it is really ugly.

Living out in the hinterland, as I do, isn’t exactly conducive to meeting fabulous queer femmes. So lately, I’ve made it a bit of a personal quest to meet and get to know more local(ish) femmes. It really hasn’t been a positive experience. The cattiness of many (not all) of the ladies that I have met really astounds me. It seems petty to go into any kind of detail, but let me say that it ranges from constant corrections of grammar, to comments about how femme or unfemme other femmes are, to offhand nasty comments about exes/old friends/current friends/random people/total strangers, to deliberate and obvious attempts at peer pressure.

I don’t feel personally victimized because I don’t allow other people to dictate my self-worth, but it is uncomfortable to be around people who do.

I know we all like to kvetch in harsh detail to our very dearest friends, but when we share those same grumbles with people we barely know it is inappropriate. It comes off as catty, rude, and callous. It causes people to think that we talk that way about them when they are no longer around. It creates tension where there shouldn’t be any. It is uncomfortable. And, well, it makes us look like assholes.

After encountering all of this femme-on-femme animosity, I contacted several femmes I know across the country and asked if they have had similar experiences, and nearly everyone said “yes.” I’m going out on a limb here and saying that this particular type of behavior appears to be somewhat normal for the femme community. I would venture to say, based on my observation and experience, that it is almost expected. When the femmes I met behaved in these appalling ways, no one corrected them, made a statement to disagree, or even frowned. Everyone just went with it. As if we all agreed that why, yes, it is completely okay to be an asshole.

It isn’t.

Why do we do this? We certainly don’t hate, or even really dislike one another. I think we can all agree that it is nice to have community, and that none of us are looking to pee in the community pool. We all tend to think that the other is pretty/fab/glam/amazing/awesome. We all have a gender identity in common. We are all basically sisters. So, again, why are we so cruel to one another? Are we so intimidated by one another’s fabulousness that our insecurities cause us to become unparallel jerks? If so, can we stop? Please?

This type of behavior is appalling in adults. It is ugly, and as a group it makes us seem childish, churlish, silly, petty, and overall just self-centered. And, I am the first to admit that I fight my own insecurities everyday. I am guilty, at times, of letting them rule my actions. When someone says something to me that seems catty and/or somewhat mean I want to say something back. Something nasty. I have nice, wide, long, mean streak myself, and trust me, I have some words that I would just love to throw in anyone’s face who has stuff to sling about me. . .But, I try really hard to never do that. Because, that type of behavior doesn’t befit me, a femme, a lady or anyone really. Whenever you are lampooned because of someone else’s insecurities, try to remind yourself that it isn’t the person speaking, it is their issue. And, then, take a deep breath, walk away, and do the damndest to forget about it.

As we are all still reeling from the results of Prop. 8 and other marriage legislations, I have been reading what the LGBTQ community at large has to say. Most of us are still recovering, regrouping, and reminding ourselves that we have to get up and keep on. I am impressed by many who have found positive outlets to voice their opinions. But, I have seen a few –small but definitely established few- who are turning to petty anger to cope. I’ve seen and heard talk of sending gay porn to churches, of sending hate mail, of people using their rage to fuel negativity. Please, let’s stop this. Not one single person who is against gay marriage is going to view gay porn, and then suddenly think: “Why yes! These people should definitely have equal rights.” In showing them something that we know will be offensive to them, we are only underlining to them why we should be marginalized.

We have to rise above, hold our heads high, and demonstrate our grace.

Can you imagine what we could accomplish if we could put aside petty differences and actually talk to one another? And, I’m not just talking about people for gay marriage and people against it. I’m talking about within the GLBTQ community as well. We need to grow up, put down childish things, and start acting like the adults we are.

It is that time of year that those of us who love to cook and bake are found twirling about in our kitchens (or standing with a dishtowel over a shoulder -depending). Something about the first chill of the air makes me want to bake yummy things for anyone and everyone. And, you know, I won’t lie, some of it is the hyper-femininity of strutting in my kitchen, apron on, with flour on my elbows. I mean, it makes me feel sexy as hell. I adore baked goods (hat tip to my chunky behind), but I personally can’t stand the preservative taste that comes with most pre-baked items and even pre-boxed items. The older I get, the more my distaste for any kind of mystery ingredients that comes with pre-made/boxed items grows.

I have out-of-town company for the remainder of this week through the end of the weekend. My house has been busy. I was raised to treat houseguests to the sort of amenities you’d expect at a very nice hotel. And, I can’t seem to let this “house-must-be-stepford-perfect” thing go. This means that all bed linens have been stripped, baseboards have been scrubbed, plant leaves dusted, floors vacuumed, couch cover washed, throw cushions washed, kitchen completely deep-cleaned, scented plug-ins replaced, microwave scrubbed out, bathrooms made immaculate, new candles set out, front yard neatened, and finally, the house is full of baked goods. I do all of this because I want to visit with my friends while they are in town, not fuss over cooking and housework. Yet, at the same time, I do want to spoil them with edible homemade love.

Last night was spent pretty much in the kitchen, apron on, and hands deep in all sorts of goodies. Barbeque chicken was made, meat is marinating, enough pumpkin bars for an army were baked, and I whipped up a quick batch of my grandmother’s buttermilk biscuits. Because, you know, a good biscuit can cure just about everything.

I know a lot of you fab femmes have amazing biscuit recipes, but I thought this might be nice for those of you new to baking. So, just in time for fall baking time (and with enough time to perfect before Thanksgiving) here is my grandmother’s recipe for perfect biscuits.

You will need:

-2 cups of all-purpose flour

-¼ cup of shortening (room temp)

-3 Tblsp of butter (room temp)

-1 tsp of salt (not pictured)

-1 Tblsp of baking soda

-2 tsp of baking powder

-1-1 ½ cups of buttermilk (if you don’t have buttermilk put 1 Tblsp into 1 cup of milk and wait 5 mins. Voila! Buttermilk.)

-Something to roll out the dough (for a small batch like this I use a glass)

-Something to cut the dough (again I used the glass rim)

Preheat the oven to 475 degrees. Mix all the dry ingredients together in a large mixing bowl. Using a fork cut in the shortening and the butter. Hand-mix until the lumps are pea-sized. Pour small amounts of the buttermilk into the bowl and mix. Mix until the dough just begins to leave the sides of the bowl.

Remove the dough from the bowl. Knead 1-3 times. You don’t want to over-knead because it will make the dough tough. On a lightly floured surface, roll out the dough to about ½-1” thickness. Cut out biscuits.

Place biscuits on an ungreased cookie sheet about an inch apart. A greased cookie sheet will cause the bottoms of the biscuits to overcook and possibly burn. Melt some extra butter in the microwave. Brush on top of each biscuit.

Bake for 8-10 minutes, or until the tops are golden brown.

Remove and place in a bowl. Now you are ready to serve. My favorite way to eat a biscuit is with a lot of butter and some strawberry preserves. Yum. Enjoy!

Over the years, it has been suggested that I paint the cabinet, oh, I dunno, a nice shade of black. But, I can’t bear the thought of doing that. There is something about the tacky green wood-grain laminate that sings to me; just looking at this object makes me grin. It is silly and ridiculous and I just can’t get enough of it. With all the drawers, it would be perfect to hold my craft supplies etc., but I won’t share the cabinet with such messy things. I know that craft supplies would spill, corrupt, and ruin this cabinet. And, really, this cabinet deserves a high-ranking place in my house. So, instead of serving some highly responsible purpose, I assigned the dental cabinet to one of my more frivolous endeavors: my jewelry collection. See, I, um, have a lot of it.

Growing up, I sneeringly made fun of my grandmother’s (who I promise is a dead ringer for Dolly Parton with) massive dresser full of jewelry. My mother is an austere sort of dresser, and she wears jewelry sparingly, and even then, it must be “real” (meaning gold, silver, platinum and the jewels rich stones). When I was little, I just agreed with whatever my mother’s opinion was –in the way that small children will. My grandmother never had such rules. If she liked it; she wore it. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t. My mom spent a lot of money one Christmas on an expensive pendant for my grandmother. We never saw her wear it. And, years later, my grandmother gave that same pendant to me as a plaything forgetting that it had been a Christmas gift (I think my mom is still pissed about that). But, that is how she is; giving and kind with a touch of silliness.

My grandmother sounds pretty fun, no? But, we weren’t that close while I was growing up. There is no one thing that I could point out; but I will say, looking back, that we are so much alike that it is probably hard for us to get along. In any event, as I get older, I begin to realize just how much my grandmother I do have in common. We are both fancy dressers no matter what; neither one of us thinks that we are very pretty (and she is drop-dead gorgeous, I’d kill for her legs right now), we have hot tempers, once we have an opinion set it is hard for us to change, we don’t always understand our families and they don’t always understand us, we are both exceptionally tall for our generations, we like to have a good time, and we both love jewelry.

It was only recently, while I was opening and closing the drawers to my dental cabinet for fun that I realized that I am well on my way to that “dresser full of jewelry” like my grandmother. And, it makes me smile to think that. My collection, no unlike hers, has some nice “real” pieces, some higher-end costume jewelry, and some just flat-out silly plastic worthless fun. In a weird way, my own collection makes me feel close to her.

And, hey, it looks gawgeous in my dental cabinet. My one complaint is that it is hard for me to keep track of my stud earrings in the large drawers. I don’t want to drop the studs into a box because then I always have to “hunt” for them, so I lay them out on top of a velvet case. The only problem is that the studs still roll about as I open and close the drawers making a mess; and causing me worry.

(and here is a close up of the mess)

So, mah dears, I came up with a charming little solution that I thought I’d share with you.

I made a wee felt ear to hold my earrings (grandma would be jealous).

You will need:

-flesh colored felt (again I use the eco-friendly synthetic kind)

-a darker flesh colored embroidery thread

-a needle with a large eye

-a needle threader

-scissors

-safety pin, or plain pin

-paper

-fabric marker (a fabric marker is best, but you could use any fine tip marker)

Step 1

Print out the ear template provided below. You can blow it up to any size you wish, but I kept mine to ear size.

Step 2

Trace and cut out two “ears” from the felt using the template

Step 3

Pin the ears together

Step 4

Thread your needle, and knot the end of the thread. Run the needle in-between the two “ears.” Run a blanket stitch (we learned how to do that here) around the edge of the ears. Finish it off with a small knot.

Step 5

Using the fabric marker, draw the “ear” contours onto one side of your “ear.” ps. i know this pic has a needle. But, I forgot to take a pic before I started sewing; so, just ignore the needleage.

Step 6

Thread your needle, and knot the end of the thread. Run the needle in from the back of your design just a little bit above where you want to begin.

Step 7

Push your needle through from the front at the place where you want to begin

Step 8

Run your needle in from the back just above your first stitch

Step 9

Push your needle through, from the front, into your first stitch (splitting the stitch)

Step 10

Congrats! You have learned the split stitch!

Step 11

Repeat steps 7-11 until you have covered all of the contours

Step 14

Put all of your studs into your new felt ear for safekeeping. Voila! Mischief-managed.

Naturally, I’ve been thinking about what I should wear to properly demonstrate my gender. I’m a sort-of-over-the-top lady. I think it is a mix of my femme gender and my Southerness. I mean, I’m not sure if you know or not, but it is accepted that most women attending football games in the SEC will wear dresses. I don’t go to football games, but I am Southern and that same pretty-fied attitude runs deep in my veins.

Red lipstick is a major part of my life. Once, when I still dyed my hair, (I don’t now due to a seriously hilarious and unfortunate accident that I will tell you about another time) I was asked to perform some mission work overseas. Before I could even weigh out the pros and cons of the situation I surprised even myself by saying: “Oh! I couldn’t do that. They don’t have my hair dye over there.” I have a huge (HUGE) cabinet full of jewelry that I mix and match everyday. I feel incomplete without loads of mascara. Going to the grocery store without my outfit and makeup is not something I will do. One of my heroes is my great-grandmother. She had a stroke when I was a child. When the paramedics arrived at her house to whisk her away to the hospital, she refused to get in the ambulance before she had sprayed herself down with her Estee Lauder. I admire that. I aspire to that.

Having said all of that, I do dress the way I want every single damn day. I love girlishness, loud outfits, bright colors, big jewelry, and feathers for my hair. And, I wear that kind of thing every single day. I figure life is too short to wear dress pants and button downs when what I really want is a big print skirt, heavy boots, tight top and red lipstick. So, I wear it. Proudly.

I am one of us lucky few who get to do that everyday without too much conflict. Wouldn’t it be nice if everyone could do that? So, after much thought, I think I’ll be looking very much like me come Friday night, feathers in my hair and all.

And that brings me to today’s “How-To”: A Feathered Hairpiece

I make feathered hairpieces as an art form, sell them online, and (obviously) I wear them quite a bit. So, in celebration of, um, me, I thought I’d share with you how to make a super simple, super awesome, feathered hair piece.

You will need:

- a pheasant feather pad (they sell these already assembled at a variety of craft stores) $2.99

- a silver snap clip (probably lying around your house)

- ribbon (I chose black velvet)

- some other type of feather or rhinestones etc. (optional)

- scissors

- glue gun (E6000 glue or Fabri-Tac work too)

Step One:

Begin by flipping over the feather pad. Measure out a bit of ribbon to fit on the back. (you will eventually run the silver snap clip through the ribbon to hold the hairpiece to your head)

Step Two:

Cut the ribbon to the desired length. I like to angle-cut it so it fits nicely

Step Three:

Run a line of glue on either side of the back of the ribbon

Step Four:

Glue the ribbon to the lower part of the back of the feather pad

Step Five

Flip the feather pad back over. Select some other type of feather/rhinestone goodness to decorate your feather pad with

Step Six:

Measure out the amount of material that you want

Step Seven:

Trim the material

Step Eight:

Glue the material to the feather pad

Step Nine:

Trim off the extra feather mess from the sides of the featherpad

Step Ten:

Flip the feather pad back over and run the silver snap clip through the ribbon

Volia!

Pret-a-Porter!