This is my last political post. Yes it’s sad that we lost ballot measures in Florida, Arizona, Arkansas, and likely California (though that’s the one I’m the least worried about even if the movement put absurd amounts of money into it) but I think for a few moments before people go back to their pity party that I’ve been seeing on a lot of LGBT blogs we need to look at what happened—– we have elected a president who ACTUALLY wants to change something and for what I believe is the FIRST time EVER a president elect mentioned GAY PEOPLE in his acceptance speech!!!! Kestryl (my partner) and I were stunned into silence when we heard him mention gay folks!!!

We are at a place to get federalized civil unions; I believe that THAT is a far better, and more secure victory for us as LGBT people than a few states passing marriage. This state-by-state patchwork of marriage isn’t going to bring lasting change for our community. This is not an issue that we can or should be trying to win in the voting booths. It is my hope (though I know saying so is nieve) that the movement will recognize that marriage is not an issue for us to be mobilizing around right now.  There are so many other issues that our community needs and cares about more than marriage—hate crimes, homeless queer youth, employment, HIV/AIDS, banning of blood donation to name just a few.

7 years ago LGBT people were not concerned about marriage. It is my hope that people will wake up and realize that we have been played, and our emotions have been manipulated by a movement that decided that marriage is what we should be concerned about. Many of us (myself included) are guilty of jumping on the bandwagon and buying into their messaging—it can be convincing messaging, and believe me they know it. Marriage was MADE an issue by national LGBT groups, and I think it’s time we take our movement back!

I hadn’t planned on writing a second blog today it’s a flex day that came from working all weekend and I’d planned to spend most of it working on my own projects, and I’ve done some of that (in between fielding work phone calls) but somewhere between making lunch and preparing to do some other writing the fact that tomorrow is the election hit me like a ton of bricks.  I can’t stop thinking about what it was like four years ago, and how difficult Election Day was. During that election my partner and I lived in Oregon, we worked over 60 hours a week as lead phone bank and canvas organizers on the No on 36 campaign. We gave our all to it, and for months it defined practically everything about our lives, my partner actually proposed to me early one cold and drizzling morning as we were chalking pro homo messages on a college campus.  I don’t think I will ever forget the night standing in the convention center surrounded by all the campaign staff, volunteers, and community members when we learned that we had lost.

I have adopted moms that mean the world to me, the day that they were able to get legally married was one of the happiest days in my life.  Even though the institution of marriage isn’t my favorite thing in the world, seeing the looks on their faces, being privileged to be one of their witnesses meant the world to me, and remains one of the most important days in my life.  A few months later the state of Oregon sent them a letter telling them that their partnership of over 13 years was not recognized, and that they were no longer married and my heart broke for them, and every other couple that received that letter.

I have such a complex relationship to the institution of marriage especially as a queer person who is legally married. My partner, a transgender butch is a legal man according to the government.  We had a commitment party at the beautiful rural Oregon home of my adopted Moms. For us it wasn’t a “wedding” there were no officiants, it was about us and our little family, and it was everything we could have wanted. We had pledged to be life partners long before that day, the ceremony didn’t change anything about our relationship but it was a beautiful and incredibly special day. When we attempted to register as domestic partners after leaving Oregon we were told that we couldn’t and that the only option to protect our family was marriage.  I have a biological family that would stop at nothing to rip us apart if I were to ever become sick or injured thus for us protecting our family was not a luxury, it was about survival.

Today I realized that I had a very old friend who lives in California, she’s fairly conservative (fiscally) but has always been wonderful to me. We have been friends online since I was a teenager and kicked out for being queer. We don’t talk much anymore as we’re both busy but I sent her a message this morning asking her to please vote NO on Prop 8. If any of you know people in California, Arizona, or Florida please please, please contact them while there is still time and make sure they are voting to protect our families.

I know that ‘gay marriage’ is a touchy issue for lots of queer folks who feel like its’ assimilation, I have a complicated relationship to it, it’s the subject of Traitors without (T)reason the show my partner and I have been developing this year. I think there is room to debate the merits of the institution, and LGBT movement financial priorities regarding it, but don’t allow states to write discrimination into their constitutions. At the end of the day, making it harder for gay people to marry and protect their families doesn’t do one darned thing to dismantle marriage.

I think that marriage is a complex issue, if I had my way I’d want everyone queer, gay, straight to have civil unions and have marriage be a religious institution between people and their institutions of worship, but I don’t believe that’s a dialogue we can have until marriage is accessible to everyone who wants it.  My stomach is in knots knowing that we will likely loose with Amendment 2 in Florida, and the numbers I show that it’s too close to call with Arizona’s Proposition 102, and (the more publically talked about) Proposition 8 in California. Yes, this is a political issue, but it’s going to change peoples lives, and families.  I absolutely care about the presidential election, but tomorrow night as my partner and I sit at the LGBTQ Center in Manhattan watching the reports come in surrounded by family I’m going to be watching those numbers as well and thinking about the families that will be impacted if any or goddess forbid all of them were to pass.