I’m betting at least SOME of you read my original post on the Femme Spiral — the Femme’s answer to being pegged as straight women, and the ying to the Butch blue star’s yang.

My former partner knew how much it meant to me to get it…but sadly, I’m broke, and can barely afford food, none the less tattoos.  She’s a massage therapist, and for my Channukah present, she decided to trade massage work with her tattoo artist, but instead of inking herself more, she’ll be letting me get my Femme Spiral. I met with the artist today, and will be going under the needle tomorrow. I am ridiculously excited!

Here are some concept ideas I gave to the artist for MY spiral (best thing about the spiral idea? You can do whatever you want with it; crop circles, nautiluses, DNA, etc):

Obviously, I wanted my spiral to be of the more ornate, and slightly organic type. I’m so psyched for tomorrow.

However, this concept only works if other people hop on board with me.  So I invite you all to join the Femme gang, and show your colors by getting your very own Femme Spiral on your wrist.  You’ll know about the secret symbol, and can explain it to others, if you care to, and help boost our gang membership.  

Of course, I’d never suggest someone who doesn’t want a tattoo go get one. But if you’ve been thinking about it, and wanting to, here you go. I’m putting a call out to all Femmes - design and get your own Femme Spiral tattoo!  And if you’re anti-tattoo, sharpie works too.

If you *do* get one, I’d love to see pictures. I know I’ll be posting mine!

-Essin’ Em

Recently, I’ve started meeting more queer people who seem to “get” the concept of Femme.

And it’s bloody nice, let me tell you.  I mean, some of the time, I feel a little silly or awkward; the other day, a transman offered to help me into my coat, and I kind of stared at him like “what am I supposed to do? OOOOH, my put my arm into the coat. Gotcha!”  But after the fact, I was thinking about how much I appreciated it.

Another circumstance was chatting with a cute Butch I met in New Mexico when I was at Pornotopia.  We were texting the other day, and she was saying that if she came to visit, she’d pamper me the way that a Femme deserved.  I asked her what that meant…I mean, what the hell DOES a Femme deserve? And what IS pampering?  Let’s just say it involved getting the bloody hell fucked out of me, a lovely hot shower and massage, and breakfast.

I’ve struggled a lot with the concept of chivalry, and lately, have thought (and written) a bit about how I’m so much more ok with it in the queer community than I was before I came out.  And slowly, step by step, I’m realizing what a turn on it can be to have people to whom I’m attracted open doors, pull out my chairs, help me into my coat, etc.  No, I’m not high maintainence, but I am a Femme, and I love it.

And is there anything wrong with that?

-Essin’ Em

Correct me if I’m wrong. I have compiled some of the ways that femme queers femininity for my Queer Theory term paper. I’m trying to think of some personal experiences that contributed to my development of a femme identity… Here are some of my answers to the question, “How does Femme Queer Femininity?”Femme is for Everybody: Answering the question, “How does femme queer femininity?”
Point 1: Femme queers femininity by expanding eligibility, making femininity an inclusive label, rather than an exclusive one.
Traditional femininity has been so strictly policed by society that only a choice few people have been given access to the character trait, “feminine.” People who are not female, people who are overweight, people who have unusual characteristics (like shortness) and dominant, aggressive women have been largely ineligible the traditional label of femininity. Femme, however, is for all people, regardless of sex, physical characteristics or personality styles. In my own life, specifically post-puberty, I had a hard time earning the label of femininity because of my shortness, my larger than average body size, and my general disinterest in boys.
Point 2: Femme queers femininity by involving participants in making and breaking rules of appearance, rather than abiding by previously established rules.
As with queerness, femmeness can be defined by its resistance to definitions. Feminine women have very strict rules defined by the times in which they live. Whether they choose to live by them is another story, but they may compromise their access to the label “feminine” (and the associated privileges) if they do not live by the rules. Femme (as a queer identity) encourages rule breaking! Femininity is mostly defined by the rules that society has provided for it, while femme is characterized by the people who call themselves by that name. If someone says they are a femme, then that is what a femme looks like, but this is not the case with mainstream femininity. Conversely, just because a person calls themselves feminine (in the traditional sense of the word) doesn’t mean that society will agree with them. I personally like acting out femininity, but I gave up on it for many years because I could never succeed as a feminine woman. Now that I understand femme as a transgressive, queer character, as femininity with a twist, I find it as the most appropriate label for the gender that I choose to express. I’m feminine, but I’m not what society thinks I am.
Point 3: Femme queers femininity in that the femme’s audience is defined by her, rather than by the mainstream culture.
A feminine woman without queer leanings may find that her audience is all men without her consent (since non-queer femininity by definition caters to the pleasure and comfort of men). On the other hand, a queer femme lesbian can reject men’s ideals for her femininity altogether, and choose to perform her gender for herself and for her other queer companions. Drag queens may actually have a formal audience for their drag performances, or their intended audience may be fellow drag queens. There is a wealth of audience options for actors of the femme role. As far as I am concerned, my audience right now is the butch and femme culture that I became part of when I was first coming out. At other times in my life, my audience has been my peers, or it has been authority figures. But I feel the best about my gender in the context of butch and femme.
Point 4: Femme queers femininity by being intentional rather than by being the default mode of operation for female-bodied people.
Femme takes into account the performativity of gender. It is not simply resigning oneself to femininity because one is female, rather femme is an intentional performance, where the actor takes the role of femininity for herself, rather than bothering to earn the rights to it. Even queer or lgbt women may do “femininity by default” – this is not femme, even though it is a gender style performed by queer identified people. Femme is queer when it is for fun!

I intend to take account of my gender development through seven periods of my life: 1. childhood; 2. pre- and early teens; 3. freshman/sophomore; 4. junior/senior/college freshman; 5. USF through 2005; 6. Missionary School (2006); 7. Leaving missions / coming out.

Theory

I would like to address the concepts of (1) Gender Accountability (the “rules” of gender expression) and (2) Gender Performativity (as in, gender is something you do, not something you are, necessarily). You know I said above that femme is defined by its resistance to definitions, but that may not be true, now that I think about it some more. Appearances are only very loosely defined by a feminine slant, although one could say that it is almost a feminine “drag,” a caricature making fun of femininity. I actually think that personality is indeed defined by a number of character traits as follows. Femmes are (or tend to be) women who are bold, strong and independent, who do not take anyone’s bullshit, who makes a path where there is none and appreciates diversity. Femme takes an activist role, she is an agent in her own destiny and she believes in the power of love, forgiveness, compassion and the care of others after the care of herself. Femme is also defined historically and presently by an association to queer butches and butchness).

That’s all I have so far, and that’s about 2.5 pages! The stories should hopefully fill up the other 7.5. Eek!

Much by accident I just came across this quote:

Marilyn was revered as a tigress, but she was loved (and pitied) as a kitten. In that sense her sexuality did not present a challenge; vulnerability made her manageable–it guaranteed her femininity.

The threat of other lustful man-killers is diminished by intimations of their androgyny. Mae West looked all girl but her style was decidedly butch. “It’s [men's] game,” she says with trademark smarminess of her multiple, casual seductions in She Done Him Wrong. “I happen to be smart enough to play it their way.” Marlene Dietrich in tux and top hat is also both hyperfeminine and faux homme, a man in drag in drag. -My Enemy, My Love By Judith Levine p. 92

It goes on to talk about the book’s real point in bringing this up: the antipode to the Seducer or femme fatale, The Slave. But, that’s not really what intrigued me about it. I especially love this line: Mae West looked all girl but her style was decidedly butch. It is an angle I hadn’t really contemplated before, but basically Mae West as femme. It’s pretty damn obvious now that I’m thinking about it, but it just wasn’t a connection I’d made before. Though she wasn’t queer in the sense of sleeping with women, but she did have an affinity toward gay men and wrote The Drag.

Mae West

The two ways used to describe Mae West and Marlene Dietrich are both incredibly queer, while Marilyn Monroe is more of an archetype for traditional femininity. Mae West was femme in look, butch in action, or simply a description of a type of queer femininity, or simply femmeininity. Marlene Dietrich was a man in drag in drag, a queer masculinity on a female body so that it is not the same as masculine because it is also overtly feminine.

Of course, this has the threat of falling into the trap of femme = weak and butch = strong, or femme = passive and butch = active/aggressor, but that’s not what I’m taking it to mean. While the original writer may have had those gender stereotypical ideas in mind, though I don’t know because I haven’t talked to her, I don’t believe that saying Mae West is femme in look butch in action is necessarily falling into the same gender stereotypes any more than us calling ourselves butch or femme does.

Mae was a lover of elegant dresses, furs, jewels, nearly anything extravagant. While many femmes can be and are strong, straightforward, and aggressive there is a difference between a strong femininity and a strong masculinity though they can look quite the same, otherwise we wouldn’t use terms to differentiate them, and that is what I’m taking the phrase to mean. I see her as a drag queen, or a faux queen, a term I have found for female drag queens, putting on her extravagance for all the world to see in a very masculine manner.

Marlene Dietrich

Similarly with Marlene Dietrich, there is a big difference between a faux homme, as termed by the author of the quote, and a butch. I take it to be an element of faggetry within it, that extra addition of femininity to the butch that may make you do a double-take. It makes me think of Emmit in Queer as Folk (Onyx and I are watching through the series–now on Season 5!), a queer masculinity that, while masculine, has a touch of the feminine within it as well, though that isn’t a perfect representation, but he could also be termed “a man in drag in drag.”

On a more personal note, I found myself identifying with both the statements. These are, of course, only two of an infinite number of queer genders in the gender galaxy, but are especially interesting to me because I identify with them.

Most of the time I’m in femme drag, I look all femme but my style is decidedly butch. Yet I also absolutely love to get into boi/butch drag on occasion as well, but when I do it it’s never to pass, it’s always to pass as queer, a fagette rather than a man. Hence hyperfeminine and faux homme, a man in drag in drag. I absolutely love it.

Lately I have been struggling with the different genders within me, my femme drag queen and boi fagette sides as I affectionately call them, though there are more gendered sides than that, but those are the easiest to categorize (but not box in). I was amazed when I found the quote above since it clicked with me so perfectly. I embrace those exact styles up above: a drag queen femmeininity which is more butch in style but femme in look, and a faggette butchness which is very faux homme.

-Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

I’ve just sat down to write the rough draft of my term paper about becoming femme. The problem here, is that I’m not really sure how I became femme. I mean, I’m sure that there are a number of factors that contributed to a femme identity, but it didn’t just hit me over the head one day. Right? It’s a process starting from birth, continuing throughout one’s Western (or otherwise) enculturation. I’m asked to write an autoethnography, where I study the effects of society upon me. So… what moments in my life created a favorable atmosphere for me to become femme? What moments in your life made you the way you are?

One of the most important things that I think actually lead to my femme gender was the fact that I grew up in conservative, interdenominational Christian churches. These organizations send a very clear message that sexuality is bad, unless it is between a man and a woman who are legally married to one another. I would venture to say that femme indicates a woman who freely expresses her sexuality. Also, within mainstream Christianity, women have very distinct roles from men’s, and femme is not one of them. Even though there are heroines in the sacred text that display femme behavior, these figures hardly come up in teaches. You’ll hear more about Mary, the virgin (asexual) mother of Jesus, than you’ll hear about Queen Esther’s predecessor as head wife, Vashti, who was banished for refusing to parade her naked body around at a party for the King’s buddies. Is Mary any more holy or laudable than Vashti?

Growing up as a girl teenager in The (white, capitalist patriarchal, heteronormative) Church, you’ll find yourself constantly reminded that your body is an instrument of sin. If your clothes are too revealing, if your pants don’t meet your shirt at your midriff, if your makeup is too flashy, you could be labelled a harlot, regardless of your good or bad intentions. As a female, it is your responsibility to protect all men from your body (isn’t this why women are blamed for rape?) by dressing appropriately, and not acting sexually. They’ve tried a number of ways to convince me that it is only out of common courtesy that we help our “brothers” to keep from sinning over our lewd, luscious, lascivious, lovely bodies but I am so far not convinced that it is my fault or responsibility. Part of my femme identity is a rebellion from this notion that I’m at fault when men have inappropriate sexual fantasies about me, or any other woman. It is absolutely inexcusable to promote this kind of hateful, oppressive belief. hmph!

Needless to say, I tried my best to suppress my femininity, and hide my curves from about age 12 to 22. But what the Church didn’t understand was that my plain, unfeminine (un-anything, really) appearance did not save me from the immature, sexually frustrated young men in my classes. In my junior year trigonometry class, the (old, white, heterosexist, patriarchal, etc.) instructor refused to move the student who would sit in front of me every day. The young man tried to talk to me all the time, distracted me from the lesson, disrupted the class, and said lewd things to and about me. This went on for most of the entire fall semester. I think I blocked it out of my mind, because it did not cross my thoughts for a long time afterward. This happened just after I left the art school that was “making” me gay, I was at a new school across town, trying to figure out how to pass as a heterosexual woman. I had all that baggage, and here comes along this 17 year old boy to make it painfully clear that straight or gay, appearing sexual or not, I was always going to be subject to the scrutiny of men.

But I became femme before I really even knew what it was. Maybe the moment that it was really solidified was last summer, sitting alone upstairs in my borrowed bedroom (I was sharing a room with a friend who was traveling abroad) surfing YouTube and I ran across the 1971 segment of “If These Walls Could Talk 2″ where Amy and Linda meet by chance at a butch-femme dive bar. Hah! I think I realized I was very much a sub/bottom when I saw their sex scene. That cocky smirk simply did me in.

Maybe it was the proliferation of butch voices in my life when I came home from the missions organization where I used to live. My very good friend Kay, and several of her friends are masculine identified females. I knew that I was somehow different from them, and I delighted in the way that we exchanged support be performing our butch and femme roles for each other. She always called me a femme, and I resisted the notion because I thought it meant being picky, prissy, whiny, and not at all resourceful or able. But somewhere down the line I realized that femme was powerful… and I just fell into the role. I delighted in playing my part because it didn’t feel like an act. When I came out (when I came back from the missions field) I remembered that femininity is not just for men. It is also for women and for myself.

So. What events in your lives lead you to a femme identity? Or a butch one? Or any other gender?

Can A Femme Be Butch Too?

I’m sitting here on my couch – okay, futon – belly full of awesome Thai food, agonizing over the fact that it’s been too long since I’ve updated my portion of TFG, then agonizing even more over the fact that I cannot think of a single thing to write. Talk about a brain explosion.

Then it occurred to me. Maybe I’m thinking too much inside the box. Of course, can there be a box when we’re discussing such things as the genderqueer identity, gender fluidity, and the deliberate turn away from rigid, binary gender rules? In any case, I was restricting myself, which is ridiculous because I don’t restrict myself in my everyday life when it comes to my gender – or lack thereof, not biologically speaking of course. While I do identify as a femme, there is still a part of me that feels a little butch. Even more so, perhaps, because I identify as a tomboy-femme.

Maybe there’s a little butch in every femme.

And why shouldn’t there be? If we’re so opposed to rigid gender identification, enough to declare ourselves femme in lieu of adopting the heteronormative “feminine,” why wouldn’t we also accept that we can also be butch? Maybe not predominantly, but certainly for most if not all of us, there is a little baby butch curled up inside, sporting cropped hair and a packing cock. Every now and then she – he? – ze? – wakes up and suddenly we put away our rockin’ halter dresses and peep-toe heels, put on a men’s tee and walk with a little less sway to our hips.

But at the same time, maybe that’s part of what the term “femme” connotes. Maybe by adopting “femme” instead of “feminine,” we are giving an unspoken acknowledgement that there is a baby butch inside, curled up and mostly dormant but still in existence. Because in essence, that is what “femme” is all about. “Femme” is a genderqueer identity, so in theory a femme would be embracing all genders by default, even if she doesn’t actively embody more than one or two.

So can a femme be butch? Well, isn’t she at least a little bit just by embracing the femme identity? And can’t she every now and then be a little more tomboyish, or butch? That’s the beauty of these identities; none of them are permanent or incapable of change. These identities are not labels; they’re orbits to which a woman can gravitate, inhabit for a while, then disengage to float off to another orbit. And why not? After all, we inhabit quite the diverse gender galaxy. Might as well explore the reaches of this new frontier!