As published on my new blog, The Queer Fat Femme Guide to Life.

I was walking my Shih Tzu Macy the other day through my neighborhood in Jersey City when we came across a stranger. He was another little white Shih Tzu, with no collar or leash. Macy, ever our ambassador to all friendly furry creatures, asked him what he was up to. She was unable to communicate with me what his exact business was in the street on a dark snowy NYC night, but I was able to pick him up, determine he was warm and smelled entirely too good to be a stray. There’s no way I could just leave him on the street, in case he got hit by a car or fell prey to any other Shih Tzu dangers lurking about.

We took him home, where I made a little sign advertising that I’d found a white dog with my phone number. I figured if it was me, as soon as I realized Macy was gone I would flip out and scour the neighborhood–a few signs near where he was found would probably bring them out.

It took about an hour, my plan worked and little Gizmo was reunited with his family. Macy was a little annoyed that he spent the whole time at my apartment hanging out with me on the sofa and not playing with her, but we felt good about having done a good deed.

I told my gay boy BFF Brian about this, saying It’s not like he’s going to be able to fend for himself on the streets. What survival skills does a Shih Tzu have?

“Well, I think looking cute and being able to convince strangers to take you home and feed you until your people come get you is a survival skill.”

And he is absolutely right. Being able to recognize when you need help and being open and available to receiving help is absolutely a survival skill.

This was brought into stark Femme relief for me during part 2 of my 3 part 30th birthday party celebrations, right after the Shih Tzu incident. I threw a party called “Ascots and Bouffants” at my friend Muse’s apartment in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Muse was kind enough to host the party and was stressed about learning how to bouffant her hair. I offered to do her hair for her, having learned from my hair dresser in November (much to my intense joy).

This was the result after I did my own bouffant process using the technique from my stylist.

However, I have thick, long hair and Muse has fine, shoulder-length hair. It never occurred to me that my technique wouldn’t work on Muse. I started working the backcomb action on her hair and this is what she looked part way through the process.

The results were less than ideal and disappointing for both of us, as we both wanted her to have fabulous high hair for my party.

Just as we made the revelation, my fabulous and gorgeous friend Bryn showed up (who Muse doesn’t know very well). She’s a hair dresser by trade and I instantly knew what we needed to do. Bryn!! I hollered. Can you fix this?

It took about 20 minutes, during which time I began to circulate and welcome guests. And the end result was a fabulous looking and very relieved Muse. By thinking fast and on my feet, I was able to make big hair happen for her, even though I wasn’t able to do it myself.

Asking for help is a crucial skill for Femmes. There are so many things we can learn from each other. Almost everything I know about fatshion, beauty, make-up, self-esteem, and all the things in life I enjoy I’ve learned from my Femme sisters.

It is important to remember that vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness. Being open to showing people who you really are and articulating your needs is a great way to interact with people and make real, genuine connections. Had I been too proud to admit defeat when I realized 10 minutes into Muse’s bouffant that I was not going to achieve the result we were after, she would have been stuck with hair she hated and I would have been stuck with a nagging feeling of letting her down that would have dampened the spirit of my party. Being at a point in my life and my confidence where I can ask my friends for help when I need it without being stuck in a feedback loop of shame or worrying about not seeming self-assured actually makes me more confident.

Even if I don’t have a skill, I can get access to it pretty easily through my networks. And just like that Shih Tzu we found, I know I’ll never really be out on the street long enough for my fur to get cold.

Big Femme Love in 200 and Fine!!

P.S. I also posted another series of Correspondence if y’all are interested.

http://www.feminapotens.org

**An Open Letter From Madison Young**

Hello lovely people,

As you may or may not know, I not only perform in some of your favorite adult films and bondage sites but I’m also an artist and activist who runs a progressive art gallery in San Francisco, Femina Potens Art Gallery (www.feminapotens.org)

Femina Potens has provided hundreds or art exhibits, spoken word events, multi-media programs, film screenings and educational work shops over the past 8 years that reflect the experiences of women, transgendered, kink, and sex worker communities.  We need all of your support in order to continue to provide such resources to the community and create visibility for cutting edge artists.

With our new sustainer program you can donate as little as $10 a month, a tax deductible donation, and at the same time become part of a movement of artists pushing boundaries around identity, sex, feminism, public health, and queering how together as a community we engage with art.

Help support visibility and connection of the queer community through the arts.  Nurture your community by sustaining the only non-profit art gallery in the Castro and the country’s only queer public arts program.

Femina Potens is an all ages community funded gallery and is a reflection of all of us.  We encourage you to become a member.  Connecting Communities by Queering Concepts of Art and Sex.

Go to http://www.feminapotens.org to become a sustainer today.  Sustainers also receive such benefits as free tickets to Femina Potens events, VIP art events, and discounts on art purchases.

Thank you so much for your support.

xo,
Madison Young

Insecurity is a horrible, nasty ole icky thing that most of us would like to believe that we left behind –along with bad haircuts- in high school. In reality, bad haircuts can follow us for decades, and insecurity follows suit. It is an insidious beast that rears up at the most inopportune moments and causes us to act in ways that we never would otherwise.

And, y’all it is really ugly.

Living out in the hinterland, as I do, isn’t exactly conducive to meeting fabulous queer femmes. So lately, I’ve made it a bit of a personal quest to meet and get to know more local(ish) femmes. It really hasn’t been a positive experience. The cattiness of many (not all) of the ladies that I have met really astounds me. It seems petty to go into any kind of detail, but let me say that it ranges from constant corrections of grammar, to comments about how femme or unfemme other femmes are, to offhand nasty comments about exes/old friends/current friends/random people/total strangers, to deliberate and obvious attempts at peer pressure.

I don’t feel personally victimized because I don’t allow other people to dictate my self-worth, but it is uncomfortable to be around people who do.

I know we all like to kvetch in harsh detail to our very dearest friends, but when we share those same grumbles with people we barely know it is inappropriate. It comes off as catty, rude, and callous. It causes people to think that we talk that way about them when they are no longer around. It creates tension where there shouldn’t be any. It is uncomfortable. And, well, it makes us look like assholes.

After encountering all of this femme-on-femme animosity, I contacted several femmes I know across the country and asked if they have had similar experiences, and nearly everyone said “yes.” I’m going out on a limb here and saying that this particular type of behavior appears to be somewhat normal for the femme community. I would venture to say, based on my observation and experience, that it is almost expected. When the femmes I met behaved in these appalling ways, no one corrected them, made a statement to disagree, or even frowned. Everyone just went with it. As if we all agreed that why, yes, it is completely okay to be an asshole.

It isn’t.

Why do we do this? We certainly don’t hate, or even really dislike one another. I think we can all agree that it is nice to have community, and that none of us are looking to pee in the community pool. We all tend to think that the other is pretty/fab/glam/amazing/awesome. We all have a gender identity in common. We are all basically sisters. So, again, why are we so cruel to one another? Are we so intimidated by one another’s fabulousness that our insecurities cause us to become unparallel jerks? If so, can we stop? Please?

This type of behavior is appalling in adults. It is ugly, and as a group it makes us seem childish, churlish, silly, petty, and overall just self-centered. And, I am the first to admit that I fight my own insecurities everyday. I am guilty, at times, of letting them rule my actions. When someone says something to me that seems catty and/or somewhat mean I want to say something back. Something nasty. I have nice, wide, long, mean streak myself, and trust me, I have some words that I would just love to throw in anyone’s face who has stuff to sling about me. . .But, I try really hard to never do that. Because, that type of behavior doesn’t befit me, a femme, a lady or anyone really. Whenever you are lampooned because of someone else’s insecurities, try to remind yourself that it isn’t the person speaking, it is their issue. And, then, take a deep breath, walk away, and do the damndest to forget about it.

As we are all still reeling from the results of Prop. 8 and other marriage legislations, I have been reading what the LGBTQ community at large has to say. Most of us are still recovering, regrouping, and reminding ourselves that we have to get up and keep on. I am impressed by many who have found positive outlets to voice their opinions. But, I have seen a few –small but definitely established few- who are turning to petty anger to cope. I’ve seen and heard talk of sending gay porn to churches, of sending hate mail, of people using their rage to fuel negativity. Please, let’s stop this. Not one single person who is against gay marriage is going to view gay porn, and then suddenly think: “Why yes! These people should definitely have equal rights.” In showing them something that we know will be offensive to them, we are only underlining to them why we should be marginalized.

We have to rise above, hold our heads high, and demonstrate our grace.

Can you imagine what we could accomplish if we could put aside petty differences and actually talk to one another? And, I’m not just talking about people for gay marriage and people against it. I’m talking about within the GLBTQ community as well. We need to grow up, put down childish things, and start acting like the adults we are.

Click the Heart To Help The Butterfly Temptress

Never fear! I have more toys to review and report on, in fact I was planning to write about the We-Vibe today, which has an interesting twist to it, but I postponed it until next week to talk about VibeReview.com and The Butterfly Temptress Cancer Fund.

You see, recently it came to my attention that one of my friends was about to be cut off of her cancer treatments and pain management program because of she falls into that gap of making too much for the government to help and not making enough/underinsured to pay the medical bills that are pouring in as a result of chemotherapy and radiation treatment for her stage IV cervical cancer that has spread throughout her system. The thought of denying treatment and pain medication to a human being diagnosed with cancer is so incomprehensible to me - it’s inhumane. What kind of a country do we live in?!

Her only choice is to turn to her CommUNITY, my CommUNITY, your CommUNITY for help. Times are tough though and even people who want to donate don’t have it. I’m one of them. You might be, too. You can still help, though!

I contacted my friends at VibeReview.com to see if there was any way that they could help. They are a small company, but were just as impassioned as I was to do what they could do. On top of a financial sponsorship for part of the series, Life.Love.Cancer, on BestSexBloggers.com, VibeReview has agreed to allow affiliates to join in the fight. Now VibeReview.com affiliates can choose to donate their November commissions to The Butterfly Temptress Cancer Fund. VibeReview.com has agreed to double the amount and donate it to The Butterfly Temptress Cancer Fund.

If you are already a VibeReview.com affiliate, simply check the box on the registration page and VibeReview will take care of the rest. If you are not a VibeReview.com affiliate and you’d like to help, please do sign up. It’s fast, it’s easy, making links is as simple as click, copy, paste, and heck, after the fundraiser you could earn 20% of anything someone buys as a result of clicking from your link. It’s not going to feed your family, necessarily, but it will add up and you can buy that fabulous pair of shoes you know you want but would never buy unless you had extra money.

I encourage you to get involved - in any way you can - spread the word, join up, click the box, and make a real difference. It’s something we all say we want to do - now is the time to do it. We can make a difference. If you in a position to donate money directly to the Butterfly Temptress Cancer Fund, you can do so directly through her paypal link on my page or on TheButterflyTemptress.com.

Special Thanks to VibeReview.com for choosing compassion over profit. They truly are my first choice when it comes to online toy stores. I’ve worked with them all, and while some are good, there is a reason I exclusively promote VibeReview.com and this solidifies that exclusive relationship I have with them. When I say Catalina loves VibeReview.com, I’m 100% sincere.