What The Hell Has Happened To My Boobs?

September 04th, 2008 by CatalinaLoves Comments(4)
Icanhascheezburger.com

Icanhascheezburger.com

I had to buy a new bra today - a 34A.  Where the hell did my boobs go?  Breasts, okay, but for this post I’m sticking with boobs.

What you might not know is that in my 20’s I was a size H.  I had boobs, natural boobs, the size of Mz Berlin’s.  I had breast reduction surgery in the mid-90’s to reduce my gignormous, and in my opinion burdensome, boobies to a size C.  Now, at the time I was a much larger woman.  Here’s Bra 101 for you men:  The number is the size around your chest and the letter is your cup size small to large.  I went from a 46H to a 46C.

Even though I considered myself to be fat, I still felt like I had proportionate boobs for the first time and I loved them!  I showed them off to anybody who would look.   I ran around braless for the first time, showing off my perky nipples to the world!  I got my nipples pierced even, twice (why I took the first piercings out I don’t remember).  Oh, it’s safe to say that even at something like 230 lbs., I still felt sexy - curvy with great tits.

One of the things I did not anticipate in this giant weight loss adventure was losing my precious boobs (bewbs, breasts, tits, jugs, and boobies).  I dropped down to a 40B, then to a 36B, and then 34B.  Each time I noticed that I filled out my new bra less and less.  I’ve been talking for weeks about needing to buy a smaller bra, joking that I would have to give W my old bra as she grows and I shrink.

I’ve been dreading it and anticipating it in many ways.  At one time I dreamed of being flat chested, but I never actually imagined it or envisioned it.  I have noticed over the last few weeks in particular that there is noticeable space between my skin and the fabric of my 34B bra that I love so much.  I noted it to Mark, who is always sweet to point out that he’s really only interested in my nipples.

I gave in today and bought a 34A.  The last time I remember wearing a 34A it was a training bra (What exactly do training bras train?  Has anyone figured that out?) and I think I was 10.  This wasn’t part of the plan.  When I envisioned losing 150 lbs., I didn’t really factor in my boobs.  I was just thinking about being a size 4, my goal.

I’ve gone from being the girl with the second biggest boobs in high school (my sister is 3 years older and had bigger boobs) to being the Mom with the boobs smaller than a teenager.  What the fuck happened?  The other day some guy called me “flat-chested” as an insult.  Holy shit!

Women who are curvy and scrumptious, dare I say, fat, are curvy and scrumptious.  They do have the wonderful curves and the soft feminine tenderness that, in my opinion, fat provides.  Fat women that I find attractive are to me, in a way, so attractive because they do embody that motherly femininity that gives one comfort and warmth, the heft of weight in a breast held in your hand is sexy.  I miss that kind of feminine sexiness.

Coming to terms with my new body means I really do have to accept that my boobs are gone.  It’s not tragic, and I would never want anybody to compare this little pathetic observation of my body changing to the sudden loss of your boobs due to mastectomy - whole different game, not just ballpark.  They are gone, though, and the scars beneath them that are all that remain from the previous surgery leave me looking as though I’ve had them removed.

What I was just commenting to Marky is that I lost all this weight to feel sexier, and yet in many ways I feel less sexy.  Losing my boobs is for sure one of them.

Life as an ex-fat femme

August 22nd, 2008 by CatalinaLoves Comments(7)
Image from Postsecret.com

Image from Postsecret.com

In a recent discussion amongst ourselves we came to the conclusion that we need more diversity in our group of contributors.  I believe it was stated something along the lines of us all being white, with advanced educations, and with the exception of one (me) identified as fat femmes.  I still fit though.  I’m an ex-fat femme.

Not long ago I came out, not as a queer femme, but as an ex-fat queer femme.  I started talking about this recently with friends, how life has changed for me, especially as a femme, being thin.  I’ve been informed that the rules have changed and I now have to learn how to navigate my way through society as a thin woman, which means (and my friend really did say this) I’m not supposed to use the word fat anymore.  Really?  Is that true?  Is it like the “N Word”?  Maybe it’s the equivalent of calling myself queer, but not wanting someone else to call me a queer?  I don’t know.

Let me give you some background.  In February of 2007 I went to the doctor.  I had a baby at home with a midwife in 2005.  I hadn’t seen my weight since 2005.  I knew I was fat, but I didn’t expect them to say, “270 lbs. today”.  I immediately began to cry and cried through my entire initial consultation with a physician I had never met.  She must have thought I was nuts.  Well, kind of.  I was there for refills on my antidepressants.

I cried and cried and cried and came home and cried some more.  2 7 0.  Two hundred and seventy pounds.  I felt sexy.  I still felt like other people found me to be sexy.  My delicious husband never let on that he didn’t enjoy my body or find me attractive.  Our former girlfriend was a yummy size 18 and never once did I find her anything but perfect in her skin.  Yet the numbers resonated in my head.  Of course I knew I was fat.  I could only buy clothes at Lane Bryant or go with the limited selection of “plus-sized woman” options in a mainstream department store that were sinfully ugly.  I remember feeling like it was a punishment for being fat - either pay exorbitant prices at Lane Bryant or wear the ugly fat lady clothes.

Something fundamental changed that day, and I can’t tell you what it was.  It wasn’t about being healthy.  I know, it should be.  It was something else that I hope to be able to pinpoint by writing about this topic.  I strictly couldn’t process that I was 30 lbs. shy of 300 lbs. and I am only 5′ 4″.

Fast forward to today - it is August, 2007.  I weigh 140 lbs.  I’m a size six.  Life is very different and apparently the rules of engagement have changed.  I’m going to try to figure them out, and hopefully you’ll help me by just giving me a place to write about it here.  I want to, for example, write about how uncomfortable it makes other people that I’ve lost weight and they haven’t, or how people now worry I’m anorexic because I am so self-disciplined.

This post would go on forever and a day if I were to talk about each of those 130 lbs. that I’ve lost and all the work that went into each one of them - physical and emotional.  Everybody wants to know the secret.  There was a rumor where I used to work that I had gastric bypass surgery (how else could she have lost all that weight?).  I didn’t.  I would have, but the process seemed so complex and complicated.

Here’s what I did, in a nutshell:  I changed the way I thought about the world.  I changed the way I thought about myself.  I changed virtually every element of who I am except for the core values I hold and my red hair and freckles.  I journaled every day.  I found ways to enjoy exercise (a totally unique concept to me).  I did it the good, old-fashioned way and threw in a bunch of yoga, visualization techniques, meditation and neuro-linguistic programming.  I’m far from finished.  I don’t just mean the last 20 lbs. I want to lose.  I mean in the way I see myself now and how that is different from how I thought it would be.

So what do you think?  Is fat a naughty word we ought not say unless we ourselves identify as fat?  Does it count that some days I feel fat?  Can I still support the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance or is it patronizing?  [On a side note:  I do think it's funny that in their own Cafe Press store their largest size is XL].  Does being thin make me more feminine than when I was fat?  I feel more femme than ever, to be honest.  Is my friend right?  Am I limited to using {BBW, volumptuous, curvy, overweight, larger, bigger, and plus-sized} when all I want to say is fat?