Somewhere along the line, someone pointed out to me that I was too Femme for my own good. At the time I wouldn’t have dreamed of leaving the house without full makeup… Manicure…
And Pedicure.
I mean even in winter, the boots and socks have to come off at some point. Right?
At the time, I snickered and didn’t give it much thought.

Years later, I was told in a group setting by a well meaning lesbian friend that I needed to “Give up the charade” that I was just a “cunt-tease and nothing more unless I made a committed effort to come out of the closet and give up men forever” because in her words “bisexuality is a myth.” Everyone except me laughed…

Whatever.

But that statement made me shirk labels for years. It was no one’s business whether I was straight, or bi, or lesbian. Or so I thought…but maybe that single statement made me withdraw from a group of women who until that moment had been a source of comfort because they’d accepted me for who I was.

I like to think I know who I am…and since I am a creature who is always growing, changing, evolving…I don’t let labels play a big part of creating who I am. Sure, some labels are necessary; they help us communicate to a certain level of who we are. Today, I’m willing to own a few labels that help identify me: Woman, Female, Wife, Mother, Bisexual, Femme…

But does that mean I can’t step out of the role sometimes?

Roles.

Are we all just role-playing?
Some days, it seems that way. That we are all playing some weird form of dress-up to get across the point of who we are, without saying the words.

A few days ago I came downstairs wearing a consensual-partner-beater, jeans, and my biker boots. I didn’t think about it. I woke up. I got dressed. Came down for breakfast. My husband said, “Wow, we’re feeling a little dyke today.” Of course my first response was, “We are?” But then, after breakfast was cleared, I looked in the mirror. I’d neglected to put on makeup, my hair was in a tight pony-tail, and as in 90% of the time, my wallet and cell phone were in the right hip pocket.

I did an about face and went back upstairs. It bothered me that he saw me that way…too.

Maybe it had just been an excruciatingly long week and I was really too tired to go to the trouble to straighten my hair, put on makeup, and choose a color coordinated outfit…

Or maybe something else was going on. Maybe I’m tiring of wearing my Femme label all of the time. After all, my twenty-three year old daughter had told me only a few days earlier that I was “getting a little too dyke all of a sudden”. What in the hell does that mean anyway? Then the next day, I had a very cute, very femme young blonde in my lap, whispering in my ear all of the terribly naughty things she wanted me to do to her…and in the moment I really didn’t feel very femme at all…

Upstairs, I pulled on a tiny black cropped leather jacket over the white tank, exchanged my biker boots for sexy high heeled black boots, and threw on big hoop earrings and a long necklace. I straightened my hair and applied make-up. When I came back down, I demanded, “Are we still feeling a little dyke today?”

My husband swallowed, shook his head, and managed, “Femme fatale?”

I smiled and said, “You better fucking believe the Fatale part…if one more person says I’m trying too hard to be dyke…”

He grabbed me and kissed me. He said, “I like it when you’re dyke. The girls I catch looking at you when we are out like it too.”

Why was everyone but me noticing that I’ve been less and less femme…and why does it matter, if it matters at all that I “look” butch today or femme? I’m still the same person when I look in the mirror…

And maybe that’s the problem. I am still the same person who hates labels. I don’t want to be trapped into behaving one way or another by a word. Whether I am dressed in heels with make-up or wear my biker boots with a freshly scrubbed face, the bottom line is that my thoughts, feelings, ideas don’t change…I am still who I am. A bisexual woman, mostly femme, but also highly connected to her inner boi.

The thing is, that day, with my husband, I noticed something. When I have my makeup on and I’m wearing heels…I walk a certain way…I smile and tease a certain way…I feel sexy but in a girly way. I try harder to catch the attention of girls who can only be labeled as butch…I’m bolder. Compare that to when I am not dressed femme. I feel tougher, stronger. I swagger more. I smirk more. And I try to not be noticed and by trying to not be noticed, I inevitably am…

But does that mean that if I chose to clip my hair and wear my biker books every day, I’d start feeling less femme? Or if I only wore my stilettos and stockings, cute dresses and makeup, I might actually start to carry a purse? Trust me, the answer to both is no.

I’ve been doing some people watching ever since my own hard look in the mirror…women who dress exclusively butch…and women who dress exclusively femme…even women who are so androgynous that neither butch or femme seems to be an adequate description…and I started to wonder…if we are becoming so determined to express ourselves that we dress a certain way every single day…even when we might want to dress a different way…to fit into another’s definition of a label we’ve accepted for ourselves…are we repressing ourselves and stifling our own unique personalities in deference to what we think others (need) to see in us?

I’ve already admitted to being guilty of this…pulling out my Femme Fatale when all I really wanted to do was spend the day in my comfy biker boots sans makeup…and it wasn’t really even to make someone else happy…just to throw off a label. But all I did was exchange one label for another…so did I gain anything that day? Knowledge, a new look at myself and how whether if I like it or not the labels I’ve accepted ownership of do define me…
But I’ve also gleaned the insight that I am willing to defy convention (convention being the assumed labels we apply to ourselves and allow others to apply.)

I want to be who I am any minute of any day. I want to be able to look in the mirror and see “me” not the person someone else expects to see. And from now on…that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

I realize that not all of us are totally into nail polish, I myself being a chronic nail polish “picker” to the point that I just don’t even bother to wear it unless something important is happening. Like a party! Since today was the very first day that we’ve had a coolish breeze down here in south-central Florida I’m inspired to bring to you some Fall nail polish colors.

O.P.I.: This fall/winter palette is “La Collection de France”, so all of the colors have some awfully punny names. My favorites out of this collection are Louvre Me, Louvre Me Not (a bright royal purple), Bastille My Heart (adeep, cheery red), and Baguette Me Not (a peachy, “cinnamon” color). (Where to buy OPI)

Orly Gems: Thinking outside the box when it comes to a Fall collection, Orly Gems goes bold with their colors! See how this lacquer-savvy gal takes the polish indoor and outdoor so you know exactly what you’re getting with each color. I disagree with her take on that pink one of the bunch - Sea of Light - she says it’s not really a fall color. I think a “deep, rosy pink” can totally be a fall color, but it really depends on how you put together the whole ensemble. (Where to Find Orly)

Rescue Beauty Lounge: RBL gives us four down-to-earth colors with a prime formula. “Plie” is a pinkish neutral that will pretty much go with anything. “Bruised” is a dusty plum, followed by a simple “Teal”. Finally, RBL creators introduce “No More War” which is somewhere in between camo green and sage green, makes a bold political statement. Here’s their description: Peace signs have never looked so chic. This olive green is the perfect color to wear when voting a peace-loving candidate into office. Check out RBL on the web, or if you’re in the Big Apple, there are 2 salons.

NOLOSE is an organization for fat and lesbian/bisexual/queer women and transpeople dedicated to ending oppression against people for their size. While NOLOSE is more than just a conference, the main activity for the organization is the (not quite annual) conference.

It’s hard to describe exactly what happens at the conference. I’ve been attending since 2004–when my drag troupe was tapped to perform an act as their evening entertainment. I didn’t know what to expect from the gathering, but what I found was a fun and vibrant community of fat people (and allies!) of all sizes, shapes, colors, genders, ages and abilities working within themselves and in the larger culture to end fat oppression. Each year has been different, but what I was most tapped into was the fun aspect of it. I’ve made some of my closest friends while being very wacky and carefree at a NOLOSE gathering.

This year was a less fun for me than in years past–I can’t quite put my finger on what it was–but as I go through my laundry list of what I got out of this year’s conference, I want to highlight that even at my grumpiest I still got a transformative weekend of magical moments that I am very thankful for.

My highlights, in numerical order:

1. Fatties in the Media workshop. Oh, sure, I ran the workshop so it was already primed to be my favorite. But what can I say, community building, fat activism and making media are my passions and bringing them together was very important to me. I started the workshop by asking the participants (over 40 of them, which surprised me for a Sunday slot) what they would like to see on television in Fatopia–a society where weight is value-neutral, we’ve moved beyond the gender binary and anti-racism is the norm.

The group was very enthusiastic. We talked about the “F-Word”, a show with fat queers, butches who look like, you know, butches. We talked about kids programming where there was more than one token fat kid and if he’s a superhero his super power has nothing to do with his fatness. (Though, personally, I would totally want my superhero costume to involve cupcakes.) We talked about having real relationship structures featured, including functional polyamory and safe, sane and consensual BDSM . And instead of typical commercials we would include community events and concerned citizen announcements about paying attention to what your kids are doing. And that we would only have 5 hours of programming a day so that people would, you know, read a book.

I asked several of the conference attendees to come to my workshop to discuss what they were doing and how they were doing it, as a sort of idea and skill share. Allyson Mitchell talked about making movies on super 8 and doing community classes and film screenings. LukasBlakk talked about digital media, distribution and vlogging . Mr. Kate talked about making and distributing Zines, old school style. Chelsey from the Fat Femme Mafia talked about fat activist initiatives using video and I got the Fat and Queer movie girls to discuss their idea and their process. And I talked about FemmeCast pretty briefly.

The workshop left me feeling very invigorated about making the kind of media I want to see (and the people in the workshop want to see)!

2. Meeting Lukas Blakk and Allyson Mitchell. I’ve met Allyson before but not in the context of knowing the art and media she was doing. Allyson curated a fattie short film series. A lot of the videos I hadn’t seen, so it was cool to get to be exposed to them. Even though some of the digital videos had some technical difficulties, I wrote them down to come home to download. Her short “Foodie” was really remarkable. And Lukas had several videos I hadn’t seen, including one with Tracy Tidgwell on stockpiling food and this hysterical video with some of the performers I know through drag called “Destiny’s Neighbor”. I really love campy, creative fat art and am really happy to have met people making this kind of stuff at NOLOSE.

At best, conferences are great networking opportunities and I want to surround myself with people making fat and queer media.

During the media workshop Lukas offered to start a “Fat Planet”, which is basically a global RSS feed thing where it gloms onto the feeds of a whole bunch of NOLOSE related people’s fat and queer blogs, writings, videos, podcasts and puts them into one feed. Lukas was way more eloquent than I can be about the subject, but I will definitely spread the word when it becomes available.

Also, Lukas and Allyson are Canadians and I have a crush on the city of Toronto and their fattivities. (Daddy K’s Dance Acadamy? Fat Femme Mafia? Word.)

3. My bestie Genne, First Runner up in the Master of Dance competition. The Master of Dance competition was this year’s answer to the “Fresh Bottom Revue”. One thing NOLOSE has been great for is challenging people to use their bodies in new ways. The Fresh Bottom Revue was something Heather MacAllister was responsible for, a response to her professional Fat Bottom Revue, where people who hadn’t performed burlesque before would attend a workshop and perform burlesque for the first time at the Saturday night entertainment for the conference.

This year, Tiny and Petunia held a dance off. There was a workshop for it and Genne attended. Having a family history of not dancing and a lot of anxiety around dancing, she decided that since it was the workshop that scared her the most she should go to it. I think that if everyone adopted that life philosophy people would be a lot happier.

Before she went up there I told her how proud I was of her for doing it. She really challenged herself, put herself on stage and danced like crazy. My favorite move she did was a “swim” with her whole body on the ground, literally swimming. I’m still not sure what the rules of the competition were, but ultimately the people who risked the most and were the most, for lack of better word, crazy and different, were rewarded. It was silly goodness.

4. Fatshion. There was a bit of controversy before this year’s conference about the so-called “Fashion Olympics”. This is the tendency for NOLOSE to involve a great deal of challenging fatshion . For me, since it is a conference and I have access to my clothes and the ability to change a lot, I will wear a variety of ridiculous outfits because I can. And I am not alone in this.

Some people were expressing discomfort at not being able to be on their “A Game” for fashion at this year’s conference and there was a huge debate about it on livejournal. This debate sparked a workshop about Fashion at NOLOSE . I took great offense to the term “Fashion Olympics” (there is no judge! the winners are anyone who dresses to make themselves feel good!), especially as a very flamboyant high femme. But I did recognize the inherent benefit to discussing and breaking down how the “Fashion Olympics” affects the community at NOLOSE and the ways in which it reconstructs social hierarchies.

NOLOSE is a special place in terms of body acceptance and fashion risk. There is no dress code. I took some fashion risks this year, which included not packing a lot of clothes. Lately I have been interested in trying a miniskirt/minidress look, which is hard for me as a fattie. Also, I don’t do scarves very often, so I tried this look. I am pictured here with Glenn Marla, tranny superstar and my fashion cousin (down to the Fluevogs).

I also rocked a fuzzy pink robe, jingly reindeer slippers and pigtails during the fashion workshop. I never wear pigtails, but I thought it important to make the point, you can dress down while still dressing up. Plus they kept my freshly dyed hair out of the water when I went swimming earlier.

Anyway, the workshop was good (and co-facilitated by my BFF and fat femme fashion icon Zoe). We talked a lot about how to include people and work on exclusion and acceptance, the importance of giving compliments and creating a welcoming community (a NOLOSE buddy system was suggested) and the difference between fashion and style.

5. People. I am absolutely privileged to have a fat queer community in New York City (and beyond) that I keep up with on the regular. I feel very honored that being in a space with so many fat people isn’t an unusual occurrence for me, but I do see the ways in which that is restorative and unusual for others. And seeing a lot of body diversity in one room is amazing for me, too. I just love getting to catch up with people I don’t see very often. I can’t possibly do a roll call, but I want to give extra giant love to my personal Cadbury Leather Egg, Mitchell Atticus . Having butches like Mitch around to just help out makes my party planning, rabble-rousing and community building much easier. He helped me plan a much-needed conference make out party. Since I was grumpy I didn’t make out with anyone, but having FemmeCast sponsor a party where other people did and made some great connections made me feel good. As I said this weekend, “Even if I’m in a bad mood and not having a lot of fun, I want to make sure other people are having fun because that makes me feel good.”

My friend Naima did a hipster impression that was absolutely right on during dinner, we had a Fat Femme stampede to a sundae bar, and I got to spend some snarkymarvelous time with fellow Femme’s Guide Blogger, Hussy Red.

6. Genne’s Fat Families Workshop. Her workshop, which was about an interview she did with her grandmother about 80 years in a fat body, had a lot of a ha moments for me about my family and our relationship to fat. I think as activists we talk a lot about our family as the root to our struggles about fat but not necessarily how to deal with them and what we can learn from them. I am planning an episode of the podcast about families and got a lot of great ideas from Genne’s workshop.

And, most importantly, what I got out of this year was a lot of great ideas for what I want to be doing in terms of fat activist community building. I am at an interesting cross roads in terms of what I am going to focus on and I think I have further clarity. And clarity is in short supply for me these days!

Next up for me on the Femme’s Guide, I will discuss weight loss goals in the fat activist movement.

P.S. Did you notice there’s a minisode about the economy available at the FemmeCast website? It’s true.