As published on my new blog, The Queer Fat Femme Guide to Life.

I was walking my Shih Tzu Macy the other day through my neighborhood in Jersey City when we came across a stranger. He was another little white Shih Tzu, with no collar or leash. Macy, ever our ambassador to all friendly furry creatures, asked him what he was up to. She was unable to communicate with me what his exact business was in the street on a dark snowy NYC night, but I was able to pick him up, determine he was warm and smelled entirely too good to be a stray. There’s no way I could just leave him on the street, in case he got hit by a car or fell prey to any other Shih Tzu dangers lurking about.

We took him home, where I made a little sign advertising that I’d found a white dog with my phone number. I figured if it was me, as soon as I realized Macy was gone I would flip out and scour the neighborhood–a few signs near where he was found would probably bring them out.

It took about an hour, my plan worked and little Gizmo was reunited with his family. Macy was a little annoyed that he spent the whole time at my apartment hanging out with me on the sofa and not playing with her, but we felt good about having done a good deed.

I told my gay boy BFF Brian about this, saying It’s not like he’s going to be able to fend for himself on the streets. What survival skills does a Shih Tzu have?

“Well, I think looking cute and being able to convince strangers to take you home and feed you until your people come get you is a survival skill.”

And he is absolutely right. Being able to recognize when you need help and being open and available to receiving help is absolutely a survival skill.

This was brought into stark Femme relief for me during part 2 of my 3 part 30th birthday party celebrations, right after the Shih Tzu incident. I threw a party called “Ascots and Bouffants” at my friend Muse’s apartment in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Muse was kind enough to host the party and was stressed about learning how to bouffant her hair. I offered to do her hair for her, having learned from my hair dresser in November (much to my intense joy).

This was the result after I did my own bouffant process using the technique from my stylist.

However, I have thick, long hair and Muse has fine, shoulder-length hair. It never occurred to me that my technique wouldn’t work on Muse. I started working the backcomb action on her hair and this is what she looked part way through the process.

The results were less than ideal and disappointing for both of us, as we both wanted her to have fabulous high hair for my party.

Just as we made the revelation, my fabulous and gorgeous friend Bryn showed up (who Muse doesn’t know very well). She’s a hair dresser by trade and I instantly knew what we needed to do. Bryn!! I hollered. Can you fix this?

It took about 20 minutes, during which time I began to circulate and welcome guests. And the end result was a fabulous looking and very relieved Muse. By thinking fast and on my feet, I was able to make big hair happen for her, even though I wasn’t able to do it myself.

Asking for help is a crucial skill for Femmes. There are so many things we can learn from each other. Almost everything I know about fatshion, beauty, make-up, self-esteem, and all the things in life I enjoy I’ve learned from my Femme sisters.

It is important to remember that vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness. Being open to showing people who you really are and articulating your needs is a great way to interact with people and make real, genuine connections. Had I been too proud to admit defeat when I realized 10 minutes into Muse’s bouffant that I was not going to achieve the result we were after, she would have been stuck with hair she hated and I would have been stuck with a nagging feeling of letting her down that would have dampened the spirit of my party. Being at a point in my life and my confidence where I can ask my friends for help when I need it without being stuck in a feedback loop of shame or worrying about not seeming self-assured actually makes me more confident.

Even if I don’t have a skill, I can get access to it pretty easily through my networks. And just like that Shih Tzu we found, I know I’ll never really be out on the street long enough for my fur to get cold.

Big Femme Love in 200 and Fine!!

P.S. I also posted another series of Correspondence if y’all are interested.

If you know me for long enough you’re sure to learn that I was a Girl Scout. Not just any kind of Girl Scout, though, I was a Gold Award-winning super-scout that spent years as a camp counselor, too. I carry with me a satchel of skills learned in my youth. I routinely impress people in all kinds of situations with my knot tying and ability to light a one-match fire.

Part of that satchel is, unfortunately, some leftover baggage from having been a fat kid. I have been fat as long as I can remember, there was never a moment where I “got” fat. Currently I am about a size smaller than I was when I graduated high school. I only wish I had been able to shed some of that fat shame early and treasured a lot more of the experiences I had as a teen, instead of dreading doing anything with my body and other people.

In scouts we would go camping about 6-8 times per year and usually hiking would be involved. I hated it because no matter what I would end up huffing and puffing at the back of the pack, more concerned with how I was holding people back and the physical toll it took than enjoying the scenery. As soon as I was a grown up and able to make decisions about recreation, I chose not to hike even when camping.

During my recent trip to California, my friend Anna* and I decided to go to Yosemite National Park for an overnight. We discovered once we got there that other than a couple of short nature walks, the real experience was in taking a hike up a mountain. I was prepared for this with a decent pair of sneakers (I no longer own hiking boots) and the resolution that I was going to go up this mountain on my terms.

I offer the disclaimer here that I am not suggesting anyone embark on any physical exertion without talking to their doctor first and making sure they have the proper equipment for whatever they are doing.

I made sure I had water, a bandanna, my ID, a small first aid kit and that I was comfortable. I know in scouts I would have gotten a lot of flack for hiking in a cute shirt and a skirt (it’s actually a skooter from Torrid, but it sure looks like a skirt!) and a full face of make-up, but I think it’s important to challenge yourself in reasonable ways. One thing I’ve learned from camping out at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival is that one need not sacrifice style for the wilderness. Plus, my make-up is mineral make-up so it’s sort of like wearing a bit of the mountain already.

I also told my companion, Anna, a fattie on the inside and a good fat ally, that she was at liberty to go on ahead of me if she wanted to, that I was going to be hiking at my comfort level. I wouldn’t have offered that if we were on an isolated trail, but the Vernal Falls trail even in October was bustling. She knew better than to try to egg me on with “you can do it’s!” and other typically well-meaning-but-it-sure-sounds-patronizing-just-ignore-me-already stuff fatties hear when we exercise.

On this hike I listened to my body. It is a really steep trail, and I went pretty slowly. I made sure my breathing was never labored and I felt like I was going at a rate that felt like a good challenge but was not too much. I also made sure I enjoyed the surroundings of the gorgeous trail–looking at the trees, smelling the amazing mountain air , admiring the incredible waterfall and spotting wildlife. In contrast to hiking as a youth, where I just couldn’t wait to get it over with, I really invested in enjoying the experience.

Since I saw so many people on the trail I knew I was the fattest person on that trail. But I sort of knew that people were looking at me more because of my cupcake backpack than the fact that I’m a fattie. And who cares what other people think, as long as I’m enjoying myself and feeling really grateful to be a New Yorker on a mountain in one of the most gorgeous places on earth?

I made it about an hour and a half up that mountain and decided I’d had enough. The trail had turned into steps, I was pretty close to the top but the steps were granite, covered in silt and were slippery. I didn’t want to fall down on my way back. So I told Anna (who kept hiking ahead of me and then waiting for me) to go as far as she wanted to and find me on the way back down.

On our way back to the Valley floor (she caught up with me) we saw a youth group hiking up. The kids were scattered across about a half mile of the trail, and sure enough the fatties were towards the back. I smiled broadly at them. I wish there was a way to make it so the speed of the kids on this group outing on the mountain was value-neutral. That it was more about the experience of being on the mountain and loving the scenery and not about the huffing and puffing to keep up. I wish there was a way for these kinds of growing up activities to not be a competition.

I was rewarded up at the top of my hike with a rainbow in that waterfall. I’m a homo, these things matter to me.

As an adult, I know I excel in a lot of areas, some of them physical, but “walking up hills for fun” is not my forte. But listening to my body and doing something I really enjoyed was the way I was able to reclaim something unpleasant from my youth on my own, new (and far more stylish) terms.

Knot tying though, knot tying I continue to enjoy…

*Anna is the Technical Editor for my podcast, FemmeCast: The Queer Fat Femme Podcast Guide to Life, and is single. We have a new minisode out, a road trip edition!

NOLOSE is an organization for fat and lesbian/bisexual/queer women and transpeople dedicated to ending oppression against people for their size. While NOLOSE is more than just a conference, the main activity for the organization is the (not quite annual) conference.

It’s hard to describe exactly what happens at the conference. I’ve been attending since 2004–when my drag troupe was tapped to perform an act as their evening entertainment. I didn’t know what to expect from the gathering, but what I found was a fun and vibrant community of fat people (and allies!) of all sizes, shapes, colors, genders, ages and abilities working within themselves and in the larger culture to end fat oppression. Each year has been different, but what I was most tapped into was the fun aspect of it. I’ve made some of my closest friends while being very wacky and carefree at a NOLOSE gathering.

This year was a less fun for me than in years past–I can’t quite put my finger on what it was–but as I go through my laundry list of what I got out of this year’s conference, I want to highlight that even at my grumpiest I still got a transformative weekend of magical moments that I am very thankful for.

My highlights, in numerical order:

1. Fatties in the Media workshop. Oh, sure, I ran the workshop so it was already primed to be my favorite. But what can I say, community building, fat activism and making media are my passions and bringing them together was very important to me. I started the workshop by asking the participants (over 40 of them, which surprised me for a Sunday slot) what they would like to see on television in Fatopia–a society where weight is value-neutral, we’ve moved beyond the gender binary and anti-racism is the norm.

The group was very enthusiastic. We talked about the “F-Word”, a show with fat queers, butches who look like, you know, butches. We talked about kids programming where there was more than one token fat kid and if he’s a superhero his super power has nothing to do with his fatness. (Though, personally, I would totally want my superhero costume to involve cupcakes.) We talked about having real relationship structures featured, including functional polyamory and safe, sane and consensual BDSM . And instead of typical commercials we would include community events and concerned citizen announcements about paying attention to what your kids are doing. And that we would only have 5 hours of programming a day so that people would, you know, read a book.

I asked several of the conference attendees to come to my workshop to discuss what they were doing and how they were doing it, as a sort of idea and skill share. Allyson Mitchell talked about making movies on super 8 and doing community classes and film screenings. LukasBlakk talked about digital media, distribution and vlogging . Mr. Kate talked about making and distributing Zines, old school style. Chelsey from the Fat Femme Mafia talked about fat activist initiatives using video and I got the Fat and Queer movie girls to discuss their idea and their process. And I talked about FemmeCast pretty briefly.

The workshop left me feeling very invigorated about making the kind of media I want to see (and the people in the workshop want to see)!

2. Meeting Lukas Blakk and Allyson Mitchell. I’ve met Allyson before but not in the context of knowing the art and media she was doing. Allyson curated a fattie short film series. A lot of the videos I hadn’t seen, so it was cool to get to be exposed to them. Even though some of the digital videos had some technical difficulties, I wrote them down to come home to download. Her short “Foodie” was really remarkable. And Lukas had several videos I hadn’t seen, including one with Tracy Tidgwell on stockpiling food and this hysterical video with some of the performers I know through drag called “Destiny’s Neighbor”. I really love campy, creative fat art and am really happy to have met people making this kind of stuff at NOLOSE.

At best, conferences are great networking opportunities and I want to surround myself with people making fat and queer media.

During the media workshop Lukas offered to start a “Fat Planet”, which is basically a global RSS feed thing where it gloms onto the feeds of a whole bunch of NOLOSE related people’s fat and queer blogs, writings, videos, podcasts and puts them into one feed. Lukas was way more eloquent than I can be about the subject, but I will definitely spread the word when it becomes available.

Also, Lukas and Allyson are Canadians and I have a crush on the city of Toronto and their fattivities. (Daddy K’s Dance Acadamy? Fat Femme Mafia? Word.)

3. My bestie Genne, First Runner up in the Master of Dance competition. The Master of Dance competition was this year’s answer to the “Fresh Bottom Revue”. One thing NOLOSE has been great for is challenging people to use their bodies in new ways. The Fresh Bottom Revue was something Heather MacAllister was responsible for, a response to her professional Fat Bottom Revue, where people who hadn’t performed burlesque before would attend a workshop and perform burlesque for the first time at the Saturday night entertainment for the conference.

This year, Tiny and Petunia held a dance off. There was a workshop for it and Genne attended. Having a family history of not dancing and a lot of anxiety around dancing, she decided that since it was the workshop that scared her the most she should go to it. I think that if everyone adopted that life philosophy people would be a lot happier.

Before she went up there I told her how proud I was of her for doing it. She really challenged herself, put herself on stage and danced like crazy. My favorite move she did was a “swim” with her whole body on the ground, literally swimming. I’m still not sure what the rules of the competition were, but ultimately the people who risked the most and were the most, for lack of better word, crazy and different, were rewarded. It was silly goodness.

4. Fatshion. There was a bit of controversy before this year’s conference about the so-called “Fashion Olympics”. This is the tendency for NOLOSE to involve a great deal of challenging fatshion . For me, since it is a conference and I have access to my clothes and the ability to change a lot, I will wear a variety of ridiculous outfits because I can. And I am not alone in this.

Some people were expressing discomfort at not being able to be on their “A Game” for fashion at this year’s conference and there was a huge debate about it on livejournal. This debate sparked a workshop about Fashion at NOLOSE . I took great offense to the term “Fashion Olympics” (there is no judge! the winners are anyone who dresses to make themselves feel good!), especially as a very flamboyant high femme. But I did recognize the inherent benefit to discussing and breaking down how the “Fashion Olympics” affects the community at NOLOSE and the ways in which it reconstructs social hierarchies.

NOLOSE is a special place in terms of body acceptance and fashion risk. There is no dress code. I took some fashion risks this year, which included not packing a lot of clothes. Lately I have been interested in trying a miniskirt/minidress look, which is hard for me as a fattie. Also, I don’t do scarves very often, so I tried this look. I am pictured here with Glenn Marla, tranny superstar and my fashion cousin (down to the Fluevogs).

I also rocked a fuzzy pink robe, jingly reindeer slippers and pigtails during the fashion workshop. I never wear pigtails, but I thought it important to make the point, you can dress down while still dressing up. Plus they kept my freshly dyed hair out of the water when I went swimming earlier.

Anyway, the workshop was good (and co-facilitated by my BFF and fat femme fashion icon Zoe). We talked a lot about how to include people and work on exclusion and acceptance, the importance of giving compliments and creating a welcoming community (a NOLOSE buddy system was suggested) and the difference between fashion and style.

5. People. I am absolutely privileged to have a fat queer community in New York City (and beyond) that I keep up with on the regular. I feel very honored that being in a space with so many fat people isn’t an unusual occurrence for me, but I do see the ways in which that is restorative and unusual for others. And seeing a lot of body diversity in one room is amazing for me, too. I just love getting to catch up with people I don’t see very often. I can’t possibly do a roll call, but I want to give extra giant love to my personal Cadbury Leather Egg, Mitchell Atticus . Having butches like Mitch around to just help out makes my party planning, rabble-rousing and community building much easier. He helped me plan a much-needed conference make out party. Since I was grumpy I didn’t make out with anyone, but having FemmeCast sponsor a party where other people did and made some great connections made me feel good. As I said this weekend, “Even if I’m in a bad mood and not having a lot of fun, I want to make sure other people are having fun because that makes me feel good.”

My friend Naima did a hipster impression that was absolutely right on during dinner, we had a Fat Femme stampede to a sundae bar, and I got to spend some snarkymarvelous time with fellow Femme’s Guide Blogger, Hussy Red.

6. Genne’s Fat Families Workshop. Her workshop, which was about an interview she did with her grandmother about 80 years in a fat body, had a lot of a ha moments for me about my family and our relationship to fat. I think as activists we talk a lot about our family as the root to our struggles about fat but not necessarily how to deal with them and what we can learn from them. I am planning an episode of the podcast about families and got a lot of great ideas from Genne’s workshop.

And, most importantly, what I got out of this year was a lot of great ideas for what I want to be doing in terms of fat activist community building. I am at an interesting cross roads in terms of what I am going to focus on and I think I have further clarity. And clarity is in short supply for me these days!

Next up for me on the Femme’s Guide, I will discuss weight loss goals in the fat activist movement.

P.S. Did you notice there’s a minisode about the economy available at the FemmeCast website? It’s true.