Correct me if I’m wrong. I have compiled some of the ways that femme queers femininity for my Queer Theory term paper. I’m trying to think of some personal experiences that contributed to my development of a femme identity… Here are some of my answers to the question, “How does Femme Queer Femininity?”Femme is for Everybody: Answering the question, “How does femme queer femininity?”
Point 1: Femme queers femininity by expanding eligibility, making femininity an inclusive label, rather than an exclusive one.
Traditional femininity has been so strictly policed by society that only a choice few people have been given access to the character trait, “feminine.” People who are not female, people who are overweight, people who have unusual characteristics (like shortness) and dominant, aggressive women have been largely ineligible the traditional label of femininity. Femme, however, is for all people, regardless of sex, physical characteristics or personality styles. In my own life, specifically post-puberty, I had a hard time earning the label of femininity because of my shortness, my larger than average body size, and my general disinterest in boys.
Point 2: Femme queers femininity by involving participants in making and breaking rules of appearance, rather than abiding by previously established rules.
As with queerness, femmeness can be defined by its resistance to definitions. Feminine women have very strict rules defined by the times in which they live. Whether they choose to live by them is another story, but they may compromise their access to the label “feminine” (and the associated privileges) if they do not live by the rules. Femme (as a queer identity) encourages rule breaking! Femininity is mostly defined by the rules that society has provided for it, while femme is characterized by the people who call themselves by that name. If someone says they are a femme, then that is what a femme looks like, but this is not the case with mainstream femininity. Conversely, just because a person calls themselves feminine (in the traditional sense of the word) doesn’t mean that society will agree with them. I personally like acting out femininity, but I gave up on it for many years because I could never succeed as a feminine woman. Now that I understand femme as a transgressive, queer character, as femininity with a twist, I find it as the most appropriate label for the gender that I choose to express. I’m feminine, but I’m not what society thinks I am.
Point 3: Femme queers femininity in that the femme’s audience is defined by her, rather than by the mainstream culture.
A feminine woman without queer leanings may find that her audience is all men without her consent (since non-queer femininity by definition caters to the pleasure and comfort of men). On the other hand, a queer femme lesbian can reject men’s ideals for her femininity altogether, and choose to perform her gender for herself and for her other queer companions. Drag queens may actually have a formal audience for their drag performances, or their intended audience may be fellow drag queens. There is a wealth of audience options for actors of the femme role. As far as I am concerned, my audience right now is the butch and femme culture that I became part of when I was first coming out. At other times in my life, my audience has been my peers, or it has been authority figures. But I feel the best about my gender in the context of butch and femme.
Point 4: Femme queers femininity by being intentional rather than by being the default mode of operation for female-bodied people.
Femme takes into account the performativity of gender. It is not simply resigning oneself to femininity because one is female, rather femme is an intentional performance, where the actor takes the role of femininity for herself, rather than bothering to earn the rights to it. Even queer or lgbt women may do “femininity by default” – this is not femme, even though it is a gender style performed by queer identified people. Femme is queer when it is for fun!

I intend to take account of my gender development through seven periods of my life: 1. childhood; 2. pre- and early teens; 3. freshman/sophomore; 4. junior/senior/college freshman; 5. USF through 2005; 6. Missionary School (2006); 7. Leaving missions / coming out.

Theory

I would like to address the concepts of (1) Gender Accountability (the “rules” of gender expression) and (2) Gender Performativity (as in, gender is something you do, not something you are, necessarily). You know I said above that femme is defined by its resistance to definitions, but that may not be true, now that I think about it some more. Appearances are only very loosely defined by a feminine slant, although one could say that it is almost a feminine “drag,” a caricature making fun of femininity. I actually think that personality is indeed defined by a number of character traits as follows. Femmes are (or tend to be) women who are bold, strong and independent, who do not take anyone’s bullshit, who makes a path where there is none and appreciates diversity. Femme takes an activist role, she is an agent in her own destiny and she believes in the power of love, forgiveness, compassion and the care of others after the care of herself. Femme is also defined historically and presently by an association to queer butches and butchness).

That’s all I have so far, and that’s about 2.5 pages! The stories should hopefully fill up the other 7.5. Eek!

This is my second strap-on harness, the first that I bought about four or five years ago, the Terra Firma Harness, and has served me well over the years, but as I always want more than one option for any given activity I decided it was time to get another harness. I looked around for something different, and something a little less basic than the terra firma with a little more show.

I was first attracted to this harness because of the back side of it. Similar to the Corsette Harness the Hardcore Harness laces up the back and emphasizes curves in all the right ways, wide enough to flatter any figure. It also has flame detail on the leather, which makes me think about bikers and leather style and is what gives this harness it’s name. The harness is well-crafted and gorgeous.

My first priority when it comes to choosing a strap-on harness is if it will fit me, there are a number of harnesses that I lust over which are just simply too small for my body. Many harnesses only go up to 42″ or so, which is fine if that fits you, but for those of us of the bigger variety we need to go for something larger. The Hardcore Harness fits up to 54″ hips and smaller, I found it to fit well, with some room to maneuver around in as well.

Only the front and back of the harness are leather, and the front panel of leather can easily be taken off if you prefer to feel the dildo’s base against you. The sides are nylon and have the kind of fasteners I associate with backpacks: ones that you can easily tighten and release by a tug, which makes putting it on and taking it off incredibly easy! It’s also very easy to adjust The Hardcore Harness to exactly where you want it, tightening or loosening even while in the middle of fucking with it.

I’ve used this with both Bandito and Celestial Perfection (reviews coming soon) and it easily held each of them. It comes with an o-ring already which fits toys up to 2″ in diameter, but you could easily exchange the o-ring for a smaller or larger ring to fit your toy perfectly.

It is a two-strap or jock-strap style harness and the front panel rests against the mound so it doesn’t cover up the rest of the vulva at all. I also found The Hardcore Harness to be extremely comfortable as well, honestly I didn’t notice it at all while wearing it, which is a great feeling to have when wearing a harness.

It’s gorgeous and both feminine and masculine at the same time, easy and comfortable to wear, what’s not to love? It was a perfect addition to my toybox, and has helped to re-awaken my love of strap-on sex, so look forward to more harness reviews in the future!

-Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

Remember: you have 8 days left to take advantage of the Obama for President Coupon (vote for change!) from VibeReview, which will give you 10% off any purchase until November 4th!

If you’re not reading “Femme Economics” at Queercents.com, you should be.

Morea Malatt writes about offsetting the cost of a feminine appearance, and about negotating feminist values within the tools of femininity. In a recent post, she offers  up three reasons to have your shoes repaired instead of throwing them away:

1. The environment. Less shoes in the landfills.
2. Support your local economy instead of buying a replacement pair made who knows where.
3. It’s less expensive than a new pair.

Sounds good to me! Rather than purchasing expensive eye creams, she recommends getting plenty of sleep, drinking tons of water (which we should all be doing, regardless!), keeping your eyes moisturized, wearing big sunglasses and learning to love yourself. This may sound like heresy, but she has even gone so far as to suggest that butches are actually the high maintenance ones! Imagine that!

• So, at least for my household, I am barely, but technically, the lower-maintenance gender-performer when it comes to the economics of looking good. When it comes to butch-femme, looks can be deceiving. I don’t actually know any low-maintenence butches.

I’ve only recently discovered her column, but I’ll be pleased to read on for more tips on frugal femininity and environment friendly beauty.

Cross-posted from Essin-Em.com

Hussyred posted something last week (2 weeks ago?) about how we came into our Femme identities, and who/what has contributed to them. I’ve written slightly about this before, but here is my time to say my thank yous. Lady Brett Ashley did hers in the form of an acceptance speech. Mine will be similar, but with more explanation, and less pizazz. I’m not known for my pizazz.

Thank you to those who helped me discover and nurture my Femme identity:

*The person at Dinah Shore 2007. We were in my room, regaining energy after round 2 or 3 or 10 of sex, and they looked over at my make up and hot iron strewn across the vanity. “You are such a Femme.”

“What? No, I’m not!” My concept of Femme was the same as hyper feminine, lipstick. I rejected the social construction of required femininity. “I don’t usually wear heels, I don’t even OWN foundation, I’m allergic to pink. What the hell are you talking about?”

“Femme is not all that. Femme is an attitude. You have a Femme attitude.”

“I most certainly do not.” Hands on my hips, I looked like a large feline, eyes flashing slightly dangerously.

“And there is that attitude right there. Femme isn’t a bad thing. I *like* Femmes. They’re fucking hot.”

And then we fucked again. For another few hours. And the next day. On the plane ride home, I contemplated the concept of Femme. Someone more on the feminine end of the spectrum, but “doing” femininity in her own way. An attitude, not an outfit. And so my journey as a Femme began. Thank you for helping me open the door to my Femme-ness.

*Sinclair Sexsmith. Sinclair is brilliant. And hot. And it’s not secret that Sinclair is at the top of my “Butches I’d like to fuck” list (yes, I have a list). And my “Bloggers I’d like to fuck” list. Hell - people I’d like to fuck in general. Anyways, reading Sugarbutch.net really really really helped me to process the identity and concept of Femme. There was so much to Femme, as much as any other identity. Sinclair made me look at my own identity, and helped me to “create” MY version of Femme. I may not wear stilettos (hello 3 knee surgeries), I may loathe pink, and I’ve certainly never had a manicure in my life. However, when I get all put together, eye some hot Butch at the club, and use a snarky line, I always think of the amazing amount of influence and guidance Sinclair has provided. Thank you to Sinclair for helping me discover so much of all of my identities.

*J. My ex, J. J really brought out the Femme in me sometimes. He’d show up in a button down and a tie, and I wanted to look so hot that he’d not be able to stand it. I wanted to be so hot that he’d fuck me before dinner, after dinner, and at times, during dinner. I would do my hair instead of leaving it curly and down. I’d put on make up, and pick out a sexy outfit. And then he’d call, saying he was outside, and I’d stand framed in the doorway, watching him look me over, and damn it, I’d feel so bloody hot. One time, I had on a 50’s style strapless dress, and black thigh highs. We’d just gotten back into my apartment, and he went down on me, under my dress, while I was trying to stand up and keep my balance, rolling my stockings down slightly. The fact that I could look so attractive, and be so sassy that someone would want to have me right then and there? That’s part of my Femme attitude (Femmitude?). I’d let him open my car door (something I’d NEVER let anyone do before), I’d let him wait for me to sit…I began to re-examine my idea of chivalry in a new context. So a big thank you to J on that.

*K. We really didn’t talk that much about my idea of being a Femme…we had other things to cover. One day, we were moving through a big crowd of people, and he just grabbed my hand and led me through. It was incredibly hot…yet something I couldn’t imagine having found attractive a year or two ago. Not a Femme thing per se…although it influenced me somehow. But I remember one day, I was at his place, and he told me he’d walk me out. I looked at him oddly; it didn’t seem like the time of thing he’d do, and I commented on it. He told me that I just seemed to bring it out in him. I hugged him goodbye, and as I drove home, I thought about it. In the year that I’d been playing with the idea of being a Femme, I’d gone from hating people holding doors, opening doors, lending me their jackets, leading me through crowds to feeling empowered and getting turned on by it. When I met people I was attracted to, my femmitude totally came through…I would wait for a door to be opened, letting them go first. When I shook hands, I would catch their gaze, and then drop my eyes first, essentially asking them to make a move. I LIKED that I brought that out in him. Thank you to K for indirectly validating my identity, and making me feel like I “worked” properly.

*The Femmes in a variety of porn (Pink and White, Fatale, San Francisco Lesbians 1-12, Working Girlz). These women really cemented the idea to me that Femme DOES NOT EQUAL weak. To me, feminine sometimes does, but Femme certainly does not. I am a fierce Femme, a feisty Femme. I have snarky lines, I am learning to flirt, I’m almost at the point where I’m able to get people to pin me up against walls and then fuck the hell out of me. Femme does not mean being passive in bed. Femme does not mean being passive in general. To me, Femme can and often does equal power. Thank you to these hot power Femmes for showing me that.

*Other Sex Bloggers. There are so many. Miss Avarice. Scarlet Lotus. Dylan. Lady Brett Ashley. Sasha Sappho. Pretty much half of Sinclair’s community list. Sinclair’s friend Muse, who posts comments on Sinclair’s blog, and whom I was lucky enough to meet in real life. The writers at the Femme’s Guide to Absolutely Everything (that is y’all!). Thank you to all of you for the comments, discussion, reassurance, new ideas, and so much more.

*Books. Books. Books. Erotica books. Academic books. Fiction books. Biographies. Memoirs. My shelves are covered with them. Thank you to all of the authors for showing me the giant spectrum of Femme, and letting me realize that there IS not definition for the label, and that I don’t have to try and fit myself into some box.

I’m sure there are more influences, but these are the ones I can think of off the top of my head. Thank you to all these people and things, and to anything and everything else that has been part of the creation and realization of this identity. I appreciate you all.

-Essin’ Em

I’ve sat down to write this post three or four times over the past week or so. First I was going to write about all the many uses of top coat, but then I realized that had already been done other place. Then, I was going to write about how to give a home manicure, but that’s been done, too. And then I thought, why on earth would I think I have what it takes to write about nail polish. My fingernails and toenails have been in a state of absolute disarray since middle school. Even after top coat utterly changed my life, I still walk around with chipped nail polish. Not even chipped, it’s the remnants of what was once a decorated nail! The toenails hold up a lot better than the fingers - I can go two weeks without painting the little ones, I just repaint, or patch the big one every weekend.

In thinking about it, though, I actually think that I like the chipped nail polish look. Unless I’m going for glamour (in which case, I nix the polish altogether - polish is a casual thing for me, what about you?) I quite frequently paint them and then wait anxiously for them to start chipping. I like how it looks on other people, but on my own, I feel so fake when I’m painted. And I surely don’t like the idea of putting fingernails with formaldehyde and acrylic in mine or someone else’s vagina. doesn’t that seem like a generally bad idea? Actually I really think that’s one of the ways that you can use to figure out whether or not someone is a queer femme - if she is totally cute and feminine, but has short, well-manicured, yet unpainted fingernails. It’s just dead follicles anyway, what’s the big deal?

I’m sure you will all have plenty of comments about polished nails since it is a feminine accoutrement - yes I know some femmes do wear polish, it is but one of the many descriptors that can tip you off to a possible Sister. Have at it!

Image from Postsecret.com

In a recent discussion amongst ourselves we came to the conclusion that we need more diversity in our group of contributors.  I believe it was stated something along the lines of us all being white, with advanced educations, and with the exception of one (me) identified as fat femmes.  I still fit though.  I’m an ex-fat femme.

Not long ago I came out, not as a queer femme, but as an ex-fat queer femme.  I started talking about this recently with friends, how life has changed for me, especially as a femme, being thin.  I’ve been informed that the rules have changed and I now have to learn how to navigate my way through society as a thin woman, which means (and my friend really did say this) I’m not supposed to use the word fat anymore.  Really?  Is that true?  Is it like the “N Word”?  Maybe it’s the equivalent of calling myself queer, but not wanting someone else to call me a queer?  I don’t know.

Let me give you some background.  In February of 2007 I went to the doctor.  I had a baby at home with a midwife in 2005.  I hadn’t seen my weight since 2005.  I knew I was fat, but I didn’t expect them to say, “270 lbs. today”.  I immediately began to cry and cried through my entire initial consultation with a physician I had never met.  She must have thought I was nuts.  Well, kind of.  I was there for refills on my antidepressants.

I cried and cried and cried and came home and cried some more.  2 7 0.  Two hundred and seventy pounds.  I felt sexy.  I still felt like other people found me to be sexy.  My delicious husband never let on that he didn’t enjoy my body or find me attractive.  Our former girlfriend was a yummy size 18 and never once did I find her anything but perfect in her skin.  Yet the numbers resonated in my head.  Of course I knew I was fat.  I could only buy clothes at Lane Bryant or go with the limited selection of “plus-sized woman” options in a mainstream department store that were sinfully ugly.  I remember feeling like it was a punishment for being fat - either pay exorbitant prices at Lane Bryant or wear the ugly fat lady clothes.

Something fundamental changed that day, and I can’t tell you what it was.  It wasn’t about being healthy.  I know, it should be.  It was something else that I hope to be able to pinpoint by writing about this topic.  I strictly couldn’t process that I was 30 lbs. shy of 300 lbs. and I am only 5′ 4″.

Fast forward to today - it is August, 2007.  I weigh 140 lbs.  I’m a size six.  Life is very different and apparently the rules of engagement have changed.  I’m going to try to figure them out, and hopefully you’ll help me by just giving me a place to write about it here.  I want to, for example, write about how uncomfortable it makes other people that I’ve lost weight and they haven’t, or how people now worry I’m anorexic because I am so self-disciplined.

This post would go on forever and a day if I were to talk about each of those 130 lbs. that I’ve lost and all the work that went into each one of them - physical and emotional.  Everybody wants to know the secret.  There was a rumor where I used to work that I had gastric bypass surgery (how else could she have lost all that weight?).  I didn’t.  I would have, but the process seemed so complex and complicated.

Here’s what I did, in a nutshell:  I changed the way I thought about the world.  I changed the way I thought about myself.  I changed virtually every element of who I am except for the core values I hold and my red hair and freckles.  I journaled every day.  I found ways to enjoy exercise (a totally unique concept to me).  I did it the good, old-fashioned way and threw in a bunch of yoga, visualization techniques, meditation and neuro-linguistic programming.  I’m far from finished.  I don’t just mean the last 20 lbs. I want to lose.  I mean in the way I see myself now and how that is different from how I thought it would be.

So what do you think?  Is fat a naughty word we ought not say unless we ourselves identify as fat?  Does it count that some days I feel fat?  Can I still support the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance or is it patronizing?  [On a side note:  I do think it's funny that in their own Cafe Press store their largest size is XL].  Does being thin make me more feminine than when I was fat?  I feel more femme than ever, to be honest.  Is my friend right?  Am I limited to using {BBW, volumptuous, curvy, overweight, larger, bigger, and plus-sized} when all I want to say is fat?

If you asked me 2 years ago if I identified as a Femme, I would have said “no way…I’m not a Femme!”  This was mostly because I classified Femme as the same as feminine…although they are, in actuality, two very different things.  

It seems to me (now) that femininity is a social construction of what it means to be “good” at being a “good” female in our society.  Being feminine can involve anything from wearing high heels to the proper make up, to the right outfits to fill in the blank.  This post is not whether or not this is a good construction; it just is.  That is femininity, and I am not a very good example of it. Most mornings I wake up 20 or 25 minutes before I’m out the door, and that includes peeing, feeding the kitties, putting on clothes, eating something, etc.  I don’t have time to look perfectly coiffed.  I don’t know what is in fashion, I just found out what Coach and Burberry are, etc. I am not society’s definition of very feminine; I even am allergic to pink.

But I do identify as Femme.  This identity started coming into being at the Dinah Shore Weekend 2007, when I was probably in the top 5% of the most feminine people at the event.  This is not to say that the event was filled with butch women; there just were not that many feminine women, so when I got dressed up for the parties, I was more feminine (in a social context) than most of the people there, re-defining my idea of what “feminine” was. Also, I spent most of my free time with a butch lesbian (who now identifies as a transman), and let me tell you, that’s when my Femme mentality kicked on. 

Holy crap; knowing that I could use my “femme wiles” (different then feminine wiles) to influence someone is such a power trip.  Just the way I said things seemed to get this person hot, and they didn’t mind that it took me slightly longer to get gussied up.  They thought it was adorable that I was cold because I was wearing a short skirt and fishnets, and that I was tispy and horny after two drinks.  I didn’t feel like any less of a feminist when they offered me their arm as I tottered around the edge of a the hotel pond in heels or as they held the door open for me.  When I sat in their lap as I purposely showed off my cleavage (hey, I wanted to get some), I felt in complete control of the situation, in the same way that I feel subs are in control of dom/sub situations.  I LOVE that feeling.  I felt like I could be appreciated for my feisty, yet slightly delicate side.  I goaded “my” butch into pinning me up against the wall, and even though I was the one getting fucked, again, I felt like I was in control.

I love being a femme because I feel like it’s partially an identity I can turn on and turn up.  I can “just” be me, or I can vamp up the femme if I want to.  Sometimes I’ll have someone come over, and I’ll be in sweatpants and a tank top and we’ll just go to a diner, or cook dinner together.  Sometimes I’ll have someone over, and I’m in stockings and a gartbelt, a 50’s style halter top dress, heels, and I have done my hair and am ready to go. I feel that as a Femme (not a feminine woman, but a Femme; again, please note the difference), I can be a feminist, still have control of my sexuality and the situation, and use my wiles to have the upper hand. I like wowing my partner.  I love watching their jaw drop and having pre-date sex because I just made them so hot we just can’t wait until after dinner.

This is not to say that I’m always the one being pushed against the wall. I can tie my partners up too (although that is usually more of a laughing matter).  I like that my partners can usually cook as well; I’m good for more than just sex and being in the kitchen.  I don’t NEED someone else to help me take care of my car, to open doors for me, etc.  But it’s nice.  Sometimes it’s nice to have someone help me put together my IKEA furniture (I’m a starving post-grad student, what do you want?) while I cook or do the dishes.  And sometimes I’ll do the screwing (of the wood…pieces…come on people!) while my partner tidies up the kitchen.  I don’t have to fall into stereotypical roles.  It’s just nice to have that va-va-voom factor I can turn on, and have someone to pin me against the wall, and to kiss me while their hands are wrapped in my hair.  

There is such a difference, in my opinion, between being feminine and a Femme.  I’ll never own stilletos or a pink dress…it’s just not going to happen.  Ever.  But I will proudly call myself a Femme.  Just not 24-7.  Most of the time, yes…and that’s the wonderful thing about it.  I don’t have to be anything all the time, and sometimes I’m more of this, and less of that.  Right now, I’m wishing I had someone that brought out the Femme in me. I’d get all gussied up and show everyone what they’re missing.  Because there are few things hotter than a feisty Femme…other than a chivalrous Butch

Essin’ Em