If you know me for long enough you’re sure to learn that I was a Girl Scout. Not just any kind of Girl Scout, though, I was a Gold Award-winning super-scout that spent years as a camp counselor, too. I carry with me a satchel of skills learned in my youth. I routinely impress people in all kinds of situations with my knot tying and ability to light a one-match fire.

Part of that satchel is, unfortunately, some leftover baggage from having been a fat kid. I have been fat as long as I can remember, there was never a moment where I “got” fat. Currently I am about a size smaller than I was when I graduated high school. I only wish I had been able to shed some of that fat shame early and treasured a lot more of the experiences I had as a teen, instead of dreading doing anything with my body and other people.

In scouts we would go camping about 6-8 times per year and usually hiking would be involved. I hated it because no matter what I would end up huffing and puffing at the back of the pack, more concerned with how I was holding people back and the physical toll it took than enjoying the scenery. As soon as I was a grown up and able to make decisions about recreation, I chose not to hike even when camping.

During my recent trip to California, my friend Anna* and I decided to go to Yosemite National Park for an overnight. We discovered once we got there that other than a couple of short nature walks, the real experience was in taking a hike up a mountain. I was prepared for this with a decent pair of sneakers (I no longer own hiking boots) and the resolution that I was going to go up this mountain on my terms.

I offer the disclaimer here that I am not suggesting anyone embark on any physical exertion without talking to their doctor first and making sure they have the proper equipment for whatever they are doing.

I made sure I had water, a bandanna, my ID, a small first aid kit and that I was comfortable. I know in scouts I would have gotten a lot of flack for hiking in a cute shirt and a skirt (it’s actually a skooter from Torrid, but it sure looks like a skirt!) and a full face of make-up, but I think it’s important to challenge yourself in reasonable ways. One thing I’ve learned from camping out at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival is that one need not sacrifice style for the wilderness. Plus, my make-up is mineral make-up so it’s sort of like wearing a bit of the mountain already.

I also told my companion, Anna, a fattie on the inside and a good fat ally, that she was at liberty to go on ahead of me if she wanted to, that I was going to be hiking at my comfort level. I wouldn’t have offered that if we were on an isolated trail, but the Vernal Falls trail even in October was bustling. She knew better than to try to egg me on with “you can do it’s!” and other typically well-meaning-but-it-sure-sounds-patronizing-just-ignore-me-already stuff fatties hear when we exercise.

On this hike I listened to my body. It is a really steep trail, and I went pretty slowly. I made sure my breathing was never labored and I felt like I was going at a rate that felt like a good challenge but was not too much. I also made sure I enjoyed the surroundings of the gorgeous trail–looking at the trees, smelling the amazing mountain air , admiring the incredible waterfall and spotting wildlife. In contrast to hiking as a youth, where I just couldn’t wait to get it over with, I really invested in enjoying the experience.

Since I saw so many people on the trail I knew I was the fattest person on that trail. But I sort of knew that people were looking at me more because of my cupcake backpack than the fact that I’m a fattie. And who cares what other people think, as long as I’m enjoying myself and feeling really grateful to be a New Yorker on a mountain in one of the most gorgeous places on earth?

I made it about an hour and a half up that mountain and decided I’d had enough. The trail had turned into steps, I was pretty close to the top but the steps were granite, covered in silt and were slippery. I didn’t want to fall down on my way back. So I told Anna (who kept hiking ahead of me and then waiting for me) to go as far as she wanted to and find me on the way back down.

On our way back to the Valley floor (she caught up with me) we saw a youth group hiking up. The kids were scattered across about a half mile of the trail, and sure enough the fatties were towards the back. I smiled broadly at them. I wish there was a way to make it so the speed of the kids on this group outing on the mountain was value-neutral. That it was more about the experience of being on the mountain and loving the scenery and not about the huffing and puffing to keep up. I wish there was a way for these kinds of growing up activities to not be a competition.

I was rewarded up at the top of my hike with a rainbow in that waterfall. I’m a homo, these things matter to me.

As an adult, I know I excel in a lot of areas, some of them physical, but “walking up hills for fun” is not my forte. But listening to my body and doing something I really enjoyed was the way I was able to reclaim something unpleasant from my youth on my own, new (and far more stylish) terms.

Knot tying though, knot tying I continue to enjoy…

*Anna is the Technical Editor for my podcast, FemmeCast: The Queer Fat Femme Podcast Guide to Life, and is single. We have a new minisode out, a road trip edition!

As this is my inaugural post on the Femme’s Guide to Absolutely Everything, I thought I would go with my favorite category: “How-To”. Big love to Scarlet for setting this up, a clearinghouse resource like this is integral to community building. One of the things I love best about Femme sisterhood is sharing resources. My mom was a second-wave lesbian feminist. The trappings of Femme were things I cobbled together mostly through the graciousness of my Femme friends, performing as a drag king (no kidding) and the magic of you tube.

The first “How-To” guide I present to you is entitled “How to Have a Gorgeous Beach Body” graciously modeled by my BFF and Consigliere, Zoe Femmetastica.

You may be saying to yourself “Bevin, I am so glad beach weather is over. I can’t possibly go to the beach. I am too fat/pale/gender non-conforming/[insert your insecurity here].” I am here to tell you that you, too, can totally go to the beach without worry!

The first step to Having a Gorgeous Beach Body [TM] is to decide to go to the beach. Summer is over, technically, but here at FemmeCast headquarters (New York City) we refuse to give up the ghost until it is absolutely too cold to bear a day on the beach. Thus, Zoe’s birthday weekend of September 14 was never considered too late for a beach day.

The second step to Having a Gorgeous Beach Body [TM] is deciding which beach to go to*. Our favorite beach within driving distance is the Cherry Grove section of Fire Island. Historically gay, the beach is beautiful, water cool and clean and the beach is populated with a hugely diverse array of homos, a smattering of lesbians and virtually every body type one can imagine. It is both kid and dog friendly, while not being overpopulated by either.

We like homo beaches because we are homos** and enjoy hanging out with our people. Also, gay men usually ignore lesbians and disinterest based on your gender presentation makes being out in your bathing suit a little bit easier. I am also a huge fan of surrounding yourself with diverse body types in all situations, because nothing is more normalizes fat bodies in bathing suits than actually seeing fat bodies in bathing suits.

The third step to Having a Gorgeous Beach Body [TM] is to assemble a Posse of Homos. I find all situations far more fun surrounded by amazing people, fat queers and allies. We sent out an evite and cobbled together a group of twenty people ready to celebrate both Zoe’s birth and Have Gorgeous Beach Bodies [TM] with us. We carpooled and hopped the ferry to Cherry Grove.

Zoe is smiling so big because she loves the beach and loves being surrounded by people who love her.

The fourth step to Having a Gorgeous Beach Body [TM] is to concoct a durable and appropriate cover up outfit to get you to and from the beach with style.

H & M polka dot dress–$14.99, stretchy size 14. Black leggings from pretty much anywhere. Black and white croc (seriously) wedges, $40.00.

The fifth step to Having a Gorgeous Beach Body [TM] is to make sure you have the proper levels of sun protection. Zoe is high maintenace, therefore her sun rituals involve a gallon ziplock bag full of various SPFs for each part of her body, depending on the amount of tattooedness and contiguous sun exposure.

Mine is simple–bring a huge umbrella and/or hat and Baby Sunblock in the highest SPF possible–minimium 50. My Irish Heritage has insisted that I burn immediately upon contact with the sun. Owning that fact and working to prevent burns has gone a long way to encourage my comfort with the beach.

It also helps to have gentleman butches on hand to apply sunscreen on parts of your body that are unreachable–these butches should be appropriately grateful for the honor of application. Femme sisters/admirers/lovers are also good for this.

The sixth step to Having a Gorgeous Beach Body [TM] is to enjoy the hell out of your time at the beach! The real secret to Having a Gorgeous Beach Body [TM] is having a great time. The first few times you step out in public in a bathing suit are anxiety ridden, but baby step your way to comfort! If you have to keep your cover-up on to feel secure, do it, but challenge yourself. Take your cover-up off for a few minutes and feel how good it is to sit in the sun (or under an umbrella), splash in the surf and live in your body. Even if you have to dissociate for awhile and purposefully forget that you are not in street clothes, try it out. People truly respond to the you that you radiate to the world, not your body. If you are radiating positive energy and having a good time, that is what people will notice.

Take a look at Zoe here–there’s no way this isn’t a gorgeous beach body.

During our seven years of friendship, Zoe’s passion for the beach has definitely rubbed off on me. I know that I have a Gorgeous Beach Body, in part, because of her.
Happy Birthday, Zoe!

Also, I have purposefully ignored the selection of a bathing suit since clearly Zoe’s body isn’t gorgeous because of the suit she’s wearing (or isn’t wearing). And, also, Fat Girl Bathing Suit Selection is another series of blog posts I’ll get up here closer to next year’s beach season.

Do you have a Gorgeous Beach Body story to tell? Email me! FemmeCast at Gmail dot Com

xoxo,

Bevin

*I understand not everyone lives geographically close to a beach, but this guide easily translates to the public recreational swimming establishment near you, as well as for any vacation opportunities you choose to create for yourself.
**Socially I use the term homo to refer to pretty much anyone on the queer spectrum, including Zoe who is a bisexual.

I’m fabulous, but my wallet really isn’t right now.

Can you relate? The current economy is causing me to curb my spending habits in a way that would make the incredibly hot and smart Suze Orman happy. Overall, I am a pretty thrifty shopper. As a kid, I remember my mother teaching me to shop at the grocery store by looking at the “price per unit” instead of the overall price. And, as such, this frugal spending thing is something that has prevailed well into my adulthood.

I am sure, that you are one savvy spender too, but let me explain the lengths of my thriftiness. Over ninety percent of the furniture in my home, at least half of my clothing, and nearly all of my jewelry I purchase myself is thrifted. I own a hatchback car for the simple reason that I can get loads more thrifted junk in the back than I can in a sedan (and I didn’t want an SUV/Van because of gas mileage). In fact, some of my friends will deliberately avoid roads that have decent junk shops because they know I *will* make them stop. So, I know of what I speak (and am a bit obsessed).

And, I thought to myself, why not share this knowledge?

Frame of Mind

First of all, when you decide to go thrifting you need to make sure you are in the right frame of mind: Open. Rookie thrifters often go in with an idea of what they are looking for and miss out on some fabulous stuff. At the same time, do not purchase something simply because it looks neat, you know someone it would fit, or because you think it might be worth a lot of money. That is the fast track to wasting money. Ask yourself the following questions: “Do I really love this? Do I have a use for this? Is it in decent condition, is the cost of fixing this item worth the item cost?” and “Is this a fair price?” The “fair price” question is often tricky as we can fall in love with something and overpay. I avoid this by deciding what an item is worth before I look at the tag. If the tag is lower than my worth price, then (after asking myself the other questions) I would purchase it. If the tag price is over but close to my worth price then I would haggle. Obviously, if the tag price is much higher than my worth price then I would pass on the item.

Budget

Go shopping with a budget in mind. If you shop with a friend, tell the friend your budget and ask that they help you keep to it. Whether you plan on thrifting at one shop or many, decide how much you can afford to spend and don’t go over.

Where to Shop

In my experience, the best deals in thrift shops often aren’t in a city. City thrift shops are either picked-over, or overpriced. The shop owners in the city are usually savvy to current trends and popular items, and will price those items accordingly. And, as such, often the people who shop in the stores are either willing to pay these prices (making haggling nearly impossible), or have already purchased the items. So, shopping in the suburbs, rural areas, or dare I say hinterland is often your best bet. It can be tricky to find these shops because the names don’t always feature the word “thrift,” so below is my guide to finding, and shopping at, great stores.

1. Goodwill, Salvation Army, Potter’s House, ValuVillage No doubt, you’ve heard of most of these stores (and most likely shopped a few). Find a wealthy suburban area with any one of these (and usually you’ll find them grouped together) and be prepared to fall into bliss. The wealthy discard all kinds of cool stuff. Usually, when you first enter the store there will be a sign letting you know what items are on “sale” or what the “special” is for the day. Sales aren’t marked anywhere else in the store, so be sure to remember what the special is for the day. The prices at these shops are firm, and you can’t do too much haggling. And, be careful if you fall in love with an item that doesn’t have a price; because that item will have to be “reprocessed” (wherein it is given to a manager who decides what the price will be) which usually takes 24 hours.

1. Anything called “Antique Mall” An “antique mall” usually means a large store with tons of small vendors set up in booths. Most “antique malls” require that at least 90% of the items be vintage. But, here’s a great catch, vintage only means that an item is 20 years old, and that is hardly antique. These malls are among my favorite places to thrift. The vendors have already sorted through tons of junk to bring you items that are already in the best condition and of interest while maintaining low cost. These malls are usually well organized, and often booths have themes, so you can skip/pay attention to different booths accordingly. Plus, unlike many thrift stores, you don’t have to hold on to what you find. Take your item to the front register area, and the employees are happy to hold it for you until check-out. While many of the vendors aren’t actually on-site to haggle with, you can still talk yourself into a better price. Ask a store employee if you think the vendor would offer a better deal. In most cases, the store employee will call the vendor and ask if a deal is possible. In my experience, a vendor is typically willing to offer at least a 10% discount. However, if an item price is marked “firm,” then do not attempt to haggle because you won’t get anywhere.

1. Anything called “A Flea An’Tique” Pronounced: “A flea and tick.” I’ve only seen shops like this in the south, so I can’t really attest to their existence everywhere, but I’m sure there are regional equivalents. They are, essentially, one step down from the “antique mall.” These shops still feature booths with different vendors, but often there aren’t as many restrictions on condition, age, or cleanliness. Often, the items in these shops will require some level of “fixing.” You can makes some great finds in these shops, but you should be prepared to rummage (and carry lots of hand sanitizer).

1. Flea Markets and anything with the word “Junk, Rummage, Thrift, or Value” These are the obvious places to thrift. Usually owned by Ma or Pop, these stores and/or flea market booths are a hot mess of stuff. And, when I mean hot mess, I mean there is stuff in there from 1950 that hasn’t seen the light of day. Typically, there is no rhyme nor reason to the placement of goods, and you have to work hard to find your treasures. Often, Ma or Pop is concerned that you will pocket items and will follow you around the store. Don’t be offended, just make friends. Be prepared to have them tell you the value of every item you pick up. These guys are seriously experienced hagglers, so be sure to bring your “A” game if you’re going to talk cost. And, under no circumstances, act as if you are truly in love with anything in the store; you’ll be fleeced before you know what hit you.

1. Southern Living, Country Living etc. magazines This sounds a little out there, but often large antique malls, thrift shops, and flea markets advertise in the back of these types of home goods magazines. Next time you’re waiting in line at the grocery store, give them a peek and seek if any local shops are listed

Thrifting Tips

-Thrifting is all about finding and haggling. And, since everyone wants a find you have to be careful because you don’t want everyone interested in your find. If you see an item of interest don’t get excited; feign a slight interest. Give the item a good lookdown, and if you even *think* you might want it, then, get it in your hands. And, don’t discuss it with anyone. Act nonchalant. See, people notice you noticing something and that makes them think you may have found something that they want, and they will circle like sharks. But, once an item is in your hands, then it is yours to purchase. In the same vein, if after picking up an item, you realize you don’t want it, then, put it back down.

-Pay attention to your basket and/or shopping cart. Any item left unattended, whether it be on the ground, table, or even in a basket and/or cart is free game to any other thrifters. My advice would be to ask a friend to watch your basket and/or cart if you have to leave it.

-If you decide to purchase a piece of furniture, then stop all other thrifting and pay for the item immediately. That way, it can be marked as “sold” and you don’t have to worry about anyone buying it out from under you. Everyone I know has heard the story of my vintage dental cabinet which I put my hand on just before another thrifter. He was so intent on purchasing the cabinet that he offered to pay me to let go of it, tried to convince me that I was being unfair, told me it was ugly, and tried to distract me away from it. I literally sat astride the thing side-saddle style and rode it to the cash register with the other interested thrifter following me the whole way.

-Haggle. Ask if a seller can give you a better price. Tell them what you think that fair price should be. Don’t be afraid to do this; sellers aren’t offended, and often enjoy a good haggle. However, be realistic and polite in your dealings. Making friends with good sellers means better deals for you in the long run.

-Bring cash as appropriate. Goodwill and Antique Malls will accept debit cards, however, most other stores will require cash. And, don’t expect a seller to hold an item for you while you visit the ATM.

-Make friends with sellers you purchase from often. These sellers will sometimes contact you when items of special interest come in, letting you have the first look. And, sometimes they will clue you in to other amazing thrift sites.

-Some people claim hitting the stores early is best, but I have a more laid back attitude. I figure that if something I truly need is at the store, then it will be there when I get there.

This past weekend, one of my best buds from the city asked me to take her thrifting to some of my favorite haunts. And, oh wow, we made some finds like I have never seen before (usually I’m lucky to find one thing I like). So, after one gorgeous, fun femme day of thrifting, I thought I’d share with you my haul just to show you how amazing the finds can be.

We visited two different antique malls and a local Goodwill where I found these items:

$11.00

Tiny beaded purse. Imagine my delight when I realized the previous owner had left a delicate handkerchief behind.

$5.00

Another tiny beaded purse. This time in black.

$9.00

A mint condition, silk-lined, fur collar.

$5.00

This is a femme octopus complete with beret, earrings, lashes, and red lipstick. That bit of pink that she is holding onto is her panties. This had to be mine.

$7.77

Pink suede leather mary-jane heels –never before worn- in my size (put on after liberal application of Lysol). Hot Holy Femme!

Total Spent: $37.77

I hope that this gives some insight into how to “tear-up” the thrift shops (and wasn’t too over-obvious). If you live-in, or plan on being in the Georgia area anytime soon leave a comment or send me an email and I’ll clue you in to some of my absolute favorite stores.

My recent post about why I love being a sex writer prompted me to write a post here about why I love being a femme.

You see, as I see it, I can dip my toes in the stream and the creek - in the ocean and the seas.  As it’s been pointed out recently in our discussions here, being femme can mean so many things to so many people.  To me, it means I have more choice.

As I see it, as a femme I can get all dressed up, put on the little black Audrey Hepburn dress and put my hair up and wear gorgeous jewelry, cuban stockings, and heels and be stunningly gorgeous.  It means I can go to the make-up counter on a blergy day and get a make-over just because I want the pick me up.    I get the girly side, or as I like to call it the frosting side.  The perks of being a girl, as I see it.

Because also as a femme I can hang out in my cute little pajamas and tank top without makeup and still look just as femme and cute.

I can wear jeans and tennis shoes and a school soccer shirt and I’m a MILF.

But aside from the aesthetic flexibility to the social dress code from which I benefit as a femme, I have the added benefit of double dipping as a poly queer femme in the sex pool, if you’ll forgive the pun.

I feel like as a queer femme I have a lot of choices in terms of sexual partners.  I am attracted to men and women of all types and it seems that men and women of all types seem to enjoy the company of a slutty queer femme.   I enjoy a sexy man every bit as much as I enjoy a sexy woman, but for very different reasons.  I love sleeping on both sides of the bed of masculinity and femininity.  I love being the third in a threesome or the center of attention with two men.

I think I get the best of both worlds as a queer femme.  It’s something I identify with so strongly that I can’t imagine being any other way than the way I am.  To conceive of myself as a queer butch is as difficult to envision as it is for me to envision being a stay-at-home heterosexual (monoromantic) housewife.  Please don’t get your feathers ruffled, housewives and butches, I just mean for me I can’t even imagine it.  The thought of me packing just makes me giggle.  The idea of me being sexually active with just one man for the rest of my life makes me uneasy.  A queer femme I am.  Indeed.

A corset is a necessity in any femme’s closet (unless you don’t have or want one, of course), and you always want to make sure that your corset is laced correctly. You wouldn’t want all the other corset connoisseurs laughing at you behind your back, right? Right.

“Proper” corset lacing increases the ability to tighten the corset, which is essential if you are wanting to attain any sort of waist reduction with your corset, though that is not always the aim of corset wearing. It also allows the two sides of the corset to close fully, unlike shoe-like lacing which requires the lacing to go in between the panels. Plus, though this is personal preference, I believe it looks better.

As a corset snob, I will say that lacing a corset this way is only (barely) a necessity for what are snobbishly referred to as “real” corsets, that is, those with multiple layers of fabric and steel boning, heavy corsets made for giving you that “real” corset feeling (yes, I am also into breath play). I’ll also say I own quite a few “real” corsets, and I also own quite a few corsets which are not “real” corsets so I also have nothing against corsets which are not “real” (part of the reason for the quotes, of course).

That said, on to the instructions!

Lacing a corset isn’t quite the same as one would lace a boot or a shoe, while that is done various ways it usually is the same motion over and over: coming out the top of the grommet and then going up through the bottom of the next one across, and so on.

Step 1: To lace a corset you want to start the same way you would start lacing a shoe, either going up through the bottom of the first two grommets or going down through the top (in a corset’s case the two grommets at the top of each section of the corset). Whether you go up through the grommets or down through the grommets depends on personal preference. Personally I like to go up from the bottom of the grommets and then even out my lace. Like so (yes, the corset is pink and red, I thought it would be the best of my corsets to show the black laces on contrast-wise):

Step 2: You want to go down through the top of the next two grommets, creating an X on the outside of the corset that overlaps itself and doesn’t go between the corset sections. Then you do the opposite, go up through the bottom of the next two grommets in line, creating an X on the inside of the corset that overlaps itself and doesn’t go between the corset sections.

Step 3: Continue in this pattern, making outside X’s and inside X’s, until you reach the waist of the corset. If you have worn the corset before this is where it may have slight creases in the boning where your hips are. If you do not have a crease like this, such as if the corset does not go over your hips, then choose the middle of the corset to stop. If you look in the image below you can see a slight crease where the boning turns up slightly very near to the grommet which I have stopped at.

Step 4a: There are two different ways to proceed. You can make a simple loop by simply taking and going down from the top through the next two grommets in line with where the lace comes out (as opposed to crossing it over). This makes the loop rather easily. The loop will be where you tighten the corset from once it’s on, rather than pulling at the top or bottom of the corset. This allows the top and bottom to be tightened independently of each other which also gives more control to the person tightening the corset and eases any corset tightening you may try to do yourself (though having someone help you is always preferable).

Step 4b:The second way to make the loop is slightly more complicated, though it is the method I personally prefer. This method gives the lacer much more control over the tightness of the lace and, I believe, allows one to tighten the corset much further than they would be able to before. This method is especially for those of you who like to tighten your corset quite a bit, and attain a large waist-reduction. However, this is not mandatory by any means and if you prefer to skip it go continue from step 6.

To make the loop via this method you first have to go up from the bottom of the opposite holes two down from where your lace is coming out, making an inside X like so:

Step 5: Now you go down from the top on the same side where the lace is coming from, through the two grommets above where the lace is coming out in order to make the loop. Because of the way the laces cross themselves this adds an extra bit of power to the ability to tightlace.

Here’s another look at this second method of making the loop, with one of the laces dotted for ease of explanation, pointing the way the lace went through the grommets.

Step 6: Continue as above the loop, making inside and outside X’s until you get to the end.

Step 7: Tie a binder’s knot at the ends of the laces such as below:

Step 8: Pull the laces from the loop and tie off to store, or open up wider than needed to put on and lace up the back using the loop!

There is nothing wrong with lacing a corset another way, of course, and my use of “properly” is meant to be a bit facetious. This is how I lace my own corsets, because I believe it looks the best and is the easiest to pull tight with the loop. I highly encourage you to at very least try out this way to lace a corset as well as other ways and find which is best for you.

-Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek