Via Facebook

FROM: Paul Theobald, London, England

SUBJECT: No Subject

MESSAGE: really cracking looking lady!!!! be lucky!

I’ll note that when this email was sent, my user picture on Facebook was the following:

FROM: Bevin Branlandingham, Jersey City, NJ

SUBJECT: Re: No Subject

MESSAGE: Dear Mr. Theobald:

Or may I call you Paul? I am unsure how to navigate the social proprieties within the social networking spheres on the internet. Do you know, Paul? Please let me know if using your first name upon our first conversation is offensive.

I received your message and am unsure of your intent. What does “cracking” mean in this context? You see, I understand “cracking” in the sense of the verb. Perhaps when one is “cracking” their knuckles or “cracking” their gum as my mom used to say. I daresay I do not wish to be compared to knuckles, as they are sort of an unsightly body part as far as body parts go. Maybe gum, though, especially if it was that new “5″ gum by Wrigley’s. Do you have “5″ in the UK? I like the names of the flavors, “Flare” is my favorite.

I looked up “cracking” in the urban dictionary, wondering if it perhaps was a slang term I’m not familiar with.

The first entry certainly can’t be right.

“A term used by a low quality or mental radio DJ to describe items or fill space.

As used in a sentence: That was a cracking track from Peter Andre and there’s more where that came from on our cracking show. So stay tuned!”

As the second entry also doesn’t make sense in this context either.

“Removing copyright protection from copyrighted software. Commonly used to obtain software without paying for it. Cracking is not by inserting a false or used serial number, but to insert other documents and files into the actual program to make it seem like it was registered by a paying customer, when it actually wasn’t.

As used in a sentence: My friend downloaded Microsoft Word, and is cracking it right now.”

However, the third entry might be right, since it indicates your use of “cracking” might be a compliment.

“Something sensational, excellent or cool.
Part of ‘what’s cracking’.
As used in a sentence: That was a cracking pool shot!”

Since I am prone to seeking out and absorbing compliments, I will assume you meant that I am sensational, excellent or cool. And thank you for the accolade!

Congratulations on your engagement! If your fiance needs any chocolate brown and light blue polka dot organza bags for favors, I’ve got a bunch leftover from my defunct wedding.

Best of luck unto you as well!

Sincerely,

Bevin

FROM: Paul Theobald, London, England

SUBJECT: Re: Re: No Subject

MESSAGE: Wow!!! what a reply!!! and sorry !!yes cracking does mean!! how shall i put it!!! stunning!!!!!!!!! really super looking lady!!! and surprised no guy has snapped her up yet? Take care Paul xx

Then I changed my userpic as follows for a bit. This is my first published Paparazzi shot, taken by NY Magazine at the Catherine Opie opening at the Guggenheim. My friend Muse managed to buy digital images from the photographer. She’s such a good supporter of the arts.

FROM: Paul Theobald, London, England

SUBJECT: No Subject

MESSAGE:

wow!!! u really are a stunner!!!! and stunner in good looking!!!! and no not all us guys look at boobs!!!!! some look at the girls face!!!! nice eyes and lovely smile!!!! be lucky!

FROM: Bevin Branlandingham, Jersey City, NJ

SUBJECT: Re: No Subject

MESSAGE: Dear Paul:

Thank you for the next round of compliments! I do appreciate that you find I have more assets than just my killer rack, though I will admit that as a lesbian, having a nice cleavage to look at really helps during the lonely times.

I have recently changed my user photo again so that you can see my lovely smile, since both of the previous pictures were really more of a smirk.

I have been thinking a lot about your question, wondering why a guy hasn’t snapped me up yet. It’s not necessarily that I am keeping myself off the market or anything, I do go on my fair share of dates. But having been through 5 years of functional monogamy with 2 back to back relationships and the bonus of a pathological liar scoundrel rebound, I’m a little skittish to jump into just anything.

I recently published a podcast about the Lesbian Footwarming Syndrome. This is the tendency of women to say “You’re a lesbian, I’m a lesbian, let’s keep each others’ feet warm.” With no further considerations for happiness, sustainability or compatibility. I delve in a little deeper to this in the episode, beyond just lesbianism. Especially when you add being fat, kinky, transgendered, dis/abled, a person of color or a myriad of additional identities, sometimes people fall into a scarcity mentality with dating.

The scarcity mentality is believing that there isn’t enough to go around. The fear that maybe there really isn’t someone out there that can love you for all you are AND be compatible with you. It manifests by settling for someone that isn’t right just to have someone or staying in a relationship that isn’t working anymore because the alternative of staying alone is terrifying. This is something sold to us with the dominant paradigm of couplehood in this society.

Paul, I don’t know what it’s like in the UK, but in the States it is definitely considered ideal for people to find a forever monogamous partnership and it is really devaluing to those of us who are critically engaged in our relationship status. Some queer femmes don’t do the monogamy thing, some choose alternative family structures and some just haven’t met the right person yet. I don’t want to “settle” for anyone and I certainly want to be treated well.

I was engaged once, he ended things but after the break-up I’ve been privy to so many behaviors that made me extremely thankful I never had children with him and “Omigod you dodged a bullets” that I feel really secure that no one having “snatched me up yet” is cool. So I suppose I could partner with whoever might show interest, but I am really waiting for the killer combo of chemistry, personality, looks and timing that I am positive will come my way. Until then my Shih Tzu, Macy, is doing a great job keeping my feet warm.

Further to that, recently in the States there has been an onslaught of gay hating voter initiatives banning same sex marriage. At one of the protests I donned this sign, because even though I don’t intend to get married eleven times or however many times Liz Taylor did, I still think I deserve the right to do so. Maybe just once a decade; hopefully to the right person again and again.

So here’s hoping I’m lucky and you are lucky, too, Paul. Squeeze on your fiance tonight and tell her how happy you are to have found one another, love is rare and beautiful. I’ve just found a bunch of fake flowers and straw hats my mom was going to put together for my shower. If you’re planning a garden wedding I’d be happy to send them off to you!

Cheers!!

Sincerely,

Bevin

If you know me for long enough you’re sure to learn that I was a Girl Scout. Not just any kind of Girl Scout, though, I was a Gold Award-winning super-scout that spent years as a camp counselor, too. I carry with me a satchel of skills learned in my youth. I routinely impress people in all kinds of situations with my knot tying and ability to light a one-match fire.

Part of that satchel is, unfortunately, some leftover baggage from having been a fat kid. I have been fat as long as I can remember, there was never a moment where I “got” fat. Currently I am about a size smaller than I was when I graduated high school. I only wish I had been able to shed some of that fat shame early and treasured a lot more of the experiences I had as a teen, instead of dreading doing anything with my body and other people.

In scouts we would go camping about 6-8 times per year and usually hiking would be involved. I hated it because no matter what I would end up huffing and puffing at the back of the pack, more concerned with how I was holding people back and the physical toll it took than enjoying the scenery. As soon as I was a grown up and able to make decisions about recreation, I chose not to hike even when camping.

During my recent trip to California, my friend Anna* and I decided to go to Yosemite National Park for an overnight. We discovered once we got there that other than a couple of short nature walks, the real experience was in taking a hike up a mountain. I was prepared for this with a decent pair of sneakers (I no longer own hiking boots) and the resolution that I was going to go up this mountain on my terms.

I offer the disclaimer here that I am not suggesting anyone embark on any physical exertion without talking to their doctor first and making sure they have the proper equipment for whatever they are doing.

I made sure I had water, a bandanna, my ID, a small first aid kit and that I was comfortable. I know in scouts I would have gotten a lot of flack for hiking in a cute shirt and a skirt (it’s actually a skooter from Torrid, but it sure looks like a skirt!) and a full face of make-up, but I think it’s important to challenge yourself in reasonable ways. One thing I’ve learned from camping out at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival is that one need not sacrifice style for the wilderness. Plus, my make-up is mineral make-up so it’s sort of like wearing a bit of the mountain already.

I also told my companion, Anna, a fattie on the inside and a good fat ally, that she was at liberty to go on ahead of me if she wanted to, that I was going to be hiking at my comfort level. I wouldn’t have offered that if we were on an isolated trail, but the Vernal Falls trail even in October was bustling. She knew better than to try to egg me on with “you can do it’s!” and other typically well-meaning-but-it-sure-sounds-patronizing-just-ignore-me-already stuff fatties hear when we exercise.

On this hike I listened to my body. It is a really steep trail, and I went pretty slowly. I made sure my breathing was never labored and I felt like I was going at a rate that felt like a good challenge but was not too much. I also made sure I enjoyed the surroundings of the gorgeous trail–looking at the trees, smelling the amazing mountain air , admiring the incredible waterfall and spotting wildlife. In contrast to hiking as a youth, where I just couldn’t wait to get it over with, I really invested in enjoying the experience.

Since I saw so many people on the trail I knew I was the fattest person on that trail. But I sort of knew that people were looking at me more because of my cupcake backpack than the fact that I’m a fattie. And who cares what other people think, as long as I’m enjoying myself and feeling really grateful to be a New Yorker on a mountain in one of the most gorgeous places on earth?

I made it about an hour and a half up that mountain and decided I’d had enough. The trail had turned into steps, I was pretty close to the top but the steps were granite, covered in silt and were slippery. I didn’t want to fall down on my way back. So I told Anna (who kept hiking ahead of me and then waiting for me) to go as far as she wanted to and find me on the way back down.

On our way back to the Valley floor (she caught up with me) we saw a youth group hiking up. The kids were scattered across about a half mile of the trail, and sure enough the fatties were towards the back. I smiled broadly at them. I wish there was a way to make it so the speed of the kids on this group outing on the mountain was value-neutral. That it was more about the experience of being on the mountain and loving the scenery and not about the huffing and puffing to keep up. I wish there was a way for these kinds of growing up activities to not be a competition.

I was rewarded up at the top of my hike with a rainbow in that waterfall. I’m a homo, these things matter to me.

As an adult, I know I excel in a lot of areas, some of them physical, but “walking up hills for fun” is not my forte. But listening to my body and doing something I really enjoyed was the way I was able to reclaim something unpleasant from my youth on my own, new (and far more stylish) terms.

Knot tying though, knot tying I continue to enjoy…

*Anna is the Technical Editor for my podcast, FemmeCast: The Queer Fat Femme Podcast Guide to Life, and is single. We have a new minisode out, a road trip edition!

NOLOSE is an organization for fat and lesbian/bisexual/queer women and transpeople dedicated to ending oppression against people for their size. While NOLOSE is more than just a conference, the main activity for the organization is the (not quite annual) conference.

It’s hard to describe exactly what happens at the conference. I’ve been attending since 2004–when my drag troupe was tapped to perform an act as their evening entertainment. I didn’t know what to expect from the gathering, but what I found was a fun and vibrant community of fat people (and allies!) of all sizes, shapes, colors, genders, ages and abilities working within themselves and in the larger culture to end fat oppression. Each year has been different, but what I was most tapped into was the fun aspect of it. I’ve made some of my closest friends while being very wacky and carefree at a NOLOSE gathering.

This year was a less fun for me than in years past–I can’t quite put my finger on what it was–but as I go through my laundry list of what I got out of this year’s conference, I want to highlight that even at my grumpiest I still got a transformative weekend of magical moments that I am very thankful for.

My highlights, in numerical order:

1. Fatties in the Media workshop. Oh, sure, I ran the workshop so it was already primed to be my favorite. But what can I say, community building, fat activism and making media are my passions and bringing them together was very important to me. I started the workshop by asking the participants (over 40 of them, which surprised me for a Sunday slot) what they would like to see on television in Fatopia–a society where weight is value-neutral, we’ve moved beyond the gender binary and anti-racism is the norm.

The group was very enthusiastic. We talked about the “F-Word”, a show with fat queers, butches who look like, you know, butches. We talked about kids programming where there was more than one token fat kid and if he’s a superhero his super power has nothing to do with his fatness. (Though, personally, I would totally want my superhero costume to involve cupcakes.) We talked about having real relationship structures featured, including functional polyamory and safe, sane and consensual BDSM . And instead of typical commercials we would include community events and concerned citizen announcements about paying attention to what your kids are doing. And that we would only have 5 hours of programming a day so that people would, you know, read a book.

I asked several of the conference attendees to come to my workshop to discuss what they were doing and how they were doing it, as a sort of idea and skill share. Allyson Mitchell talked about making movies on super 8 and doing community classes and film screenings. LukasBlakk talked about digital media, distribution and vlogging . Mr. Kate talked about making and distributing Zines, old school style. Chelsey from the Fat Femme Mafia talked about fat activist initiatives using video and I got the Fat and Queer movie girls to discuss their idea and their process. And I talked about FemmeCast pretty briefly.

The workshop left me feeling very invigorated about making the kind of media I want to see (and the people in the workshop want to see)!

2. Meeting Lukas Blakk and Allyson Mitchell. I’ve met Allyson before but not in the context of knowing the art and media she was doing. Allyson curated a fattie short film series. A lot of the videos I hadn’t seen, so it was cool to get to be exposed to them. Even though some of the digital videos had some technical difficulties, I wrote them down to come home to download. Her short “Foodie” was really remarkable. And Lukas had several videos I hadn’t seen, including one with Tracy Tidgwell on stockpiling food and this hysterical video with some of the performers I know through drag called “Destiny’s Neighbor”. I really love campy, creative fat art and am really happy to have met people making this kind of stuff at NOLOSE.

At best, conferences are great networking opportunities and I want to surround myself with people making fat and queer media.

During the media workshop Lukas offered to start a “Fat Planet”, which is basically a global RSS feed thing where it gloms onto the feeds of a whole bunch of NOLOSE related people’s fat and queer blogs, writings, videos, podcasts and puts them into one feed. Lukas was way more eloquent than I can be about the subject, but I will definitely spread the word when it becomes available.

Also, Lukas and Allyson are Canadians and I have a crush on the city of Toronto and their fattivities. (Daddy K’s Dance Acadamy? Fat Femme Mafia? Word.)

3. My bestie Genne, First Runner up in the Master of Dance competition. The Master of Dance competition was this year’s answer to the “Fresh Bottom Revue”. One thing NOLOSE has been great for is challenging people to use their bodies in new ways. The Fresh Bottom Revue was something Heather MacAllister was responsible for, a response to her professional Fat Bottom Revue, where people who hadn’t performed burlesque before would attend a workshop and perform burlesque for the first time at the Saturday night entertainment for the conference.

This year, Tiny and Petunia held a dance off. There was a workshop for it and Genne attended. Having a family history of not dancing and a lot of anxiety around dancing, she decided that since it was the workshop that scared her the most she should go to it. I think that if everyone adopted that life philosophy people would be a lot happier.

Before she went up there I told her how proud I was of her for doing it. She really challenged herself, put herself on stage and danced like crazy. My favorite move she did was a “swim” with her whole body on the ground, literally swimming. I’m still not sure what the rules of the competition were, but ultimately the people who risked the most and were the most, for lack of better word, crazy and different, were rewarded. It was silly goodness.

4. Fatshion. There was a bit of controversy before this year’s conference about the so-called “Fashion Olympics”. This is the tendency for NOLOSE to involve a great deal of challenging fatshion . For me, since it is a conference and I have access to my clothes and the ability to change a lot, I will wear a variety of ridiculous outfits because I can. And I am not alone in this.

Some people were expressing discomfort at not being able to be on their “A Game” for fashion at this year’s conference and there was a huge debate about it on livejournal. This debate sparked a workshop about Fashion at NOLOSE . I took great offense to the term “Fashion Olympics” (there is no judge! the winners are anyone who dresses to make themselves feel good!), especially as a very flamboyant high femme. But I did recognize the inherent benefit to discussing and breaking down how the “Fashion Olympics” affects the community at NOLOSE and the ways in which it reconstructs social hierarchies.

NOLOSE is a special place in terms of body acceptance and fashion risk. There is no dress code. I took some fashion risks this year, which included not packing a lot of clothes. Lately I have been interested in trying a miniskirt/minidress look, which is hard for me as a fattie. Also, I don’t do scarves very often, so I tried this look. I am pictured here with Glenn Marla, tranny superstar and my fashion cousin (down to the Fluevogs).

I also rocked a fuzzy pink robe, jingly reindeer slippers and pigtails during the fashion workshop. I never wear pigtails, but I thought it important to make the point, you can dress down while still dressing up. Plus they kept my freshly dyed hair out of the water when I went swimming earlier.

Anyway, the workshop was good (and co-facilitated by my BFF and fat femme fashion icon Zoe). We talked a lot about how to include people and work on exclusion and acceptance, the importance of giving compliments and creating a welcoming community (a NOLOSE buddy system was suggested) and the difference between fashion and style.

5. People. I am absolutely privileged to have a fat queer community in New York City (and beyond) that I keep up with on the regular. I feel very honored that being in a space with so many fat people isn’t an unusual occurrence for me, but I do see the ways in which that is restorative and unusual for others. And seeing a lot of body diversity in one room is amazing for me, too. I just love getting to catch up with people I don’t see very often. I can’t possibly do a roll call, but I want to give extra giant love to my personal Cadbury Leather Egg, Mitchell Atticus . Having butches like Mitch around to just help out makes my party planning, rabble-rousing and community building much easier. He helped me plan a much-needed conference make out party. Since I was grumpy I didn’t make out with anyone, but having FemmeCast sponsor a party where other people did and made some great connections made me feel good. As I said this weekend, “Even if I’m in a bad mood and not having a lot of fun, I want to make sure other people are having fun because that makes me feel good.”

My friend Naima did a hipster impression that was absolutely right on during dinner, we had a Fat Femme stampede to a sundae bar, and I got to spend some snarkymarvelous time with fellow Femme’s Guide Blogger, Hussy Red.

6. Genne’s Fat Families Workshop. Her workshop, which was about an interview she did with her grandmother about 80 years in a fat body, had a lot of a ha moments for me about my family and our relationship to fat. I think as activists we talk a lot about our family as the root to our struggles about fat but not necessarily how to deal with them and what we can learn from them. I am planning an episode of the podcast about families and got a lot of great ideas from Genne’s workshop.

And, most importantly, what I got out of this year was a lot of great ideas for what I want to be doing in terms of fat activist community building. I am at an interesting cross roads in terms of what I am going to focus on and I think I have further clarity. And clarity is in short supply for me these days!

Next up for me on the Femme’s Guide, I will discuss weight loss goals in the fat activist movement.

P.S. Did you notice there’s a minisode about the economy available at the FemmeCast website? It’s true.